Shawn Quote #47
Shawn: Face it, Michael. You lost. Everything you've done, this experiment, the original neighborhood, sending your little cockroach buddies back to Earth, all of it was for nothing. Bam. You're glue.
Michael: Actually, Shawn, that's a very interesting point.
Shawn: Exactly. What?
Michael: Matt, call up the active files of four people still alive on Earth, Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop, and her stepdaughter Patricia, and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi.
Shawn: They were not part of the experiment. If he gets to bring in random good people into it, I should be able to bring in random bad people. Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No... PewDiePie.
Quote from Michael
Michael: Let's focus on the big picture here. Free of Earth's complications and its unintended consequences, the other three improved a lot. Chidi got 38% more confident. Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, and John didn't call one single person the C-word.
Judge: But he did yell the C-word at himself as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.
Shawn: Why are we even still discussing this? Brent got worse. If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.
Judge: He's right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming. I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael: But don't forget. There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people. That's the number of friends in Friends. Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel... and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful", and, "You don't buy bras at Home Depot", and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot. What the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.
Quote from Michael's Gambit
Shawn: Do you remember what I told you when you predicted you could do this for 1,000 years?
Michael: The time has come to innovate. The human afterlife can be more fun. For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies? [laughs] I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment. Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable. I'm going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.
Shawn: We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.
Quote from Mindy St. Claire
Shawn: Thank you for these testimonials. A ruling has been reached. [everyone gathers] Oh, you want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are. [clears throat] Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person. The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth. She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.