Jason Quote #128
Jason: Why don't you want your name on the opera house? I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.
Quote from Jason
Tahani: This was a truly great plan.
Jason: Ah, thanks. Man, there are so many times that just this amount of money would have changed my life. I could have paid my rent. I could've gone to a real doctor instead of pretending I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.
Quote from Eleanor
Bartender: Look, there have to be rules. Every place has rules.
Eleanor: Ugh! Fine, here are my rules... Rule number one, I get to do whatever I want and you all just have to deal with it. Rule two, no more Spider-Man movies! There's way too many Spider-Man movies. Too many dorky, little, twerpy Spider-men. Rule three, everyone leave me alone.
Bartender: So you just take care of yourself? You don't owe anything to anyone else? [chuckles] If people lived that way, society would break down.
Eleanor: Yeah! In America, everyone does whatever they want society did break down, it's terrible, and it's great! You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you, there are no bees because they all died, and if you need surgery, you just beg for money on the internet. It's a perfect system! Now get me another drink. Tomorrow's my birthday. Well, well, well, a wallet. [gasps] My rules say I get to take the cash out and keep it, because in my society, I do whatever I want 'cause I'm awesome. [removes cash] Just take it. Take it, Eleanor. Just... Ugh!
Quote from Tahani
Tahani: Jason, I have an idea but... It's a little risky. I need you to act as my bodyguard. Like my friend, Kevin Costner, in that movie where he was a bodyguard. The Bodyguard.
Jason: No problem. My cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand Sea World. Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish. And instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale.
Quote from Dance Dance Resolution
Jason: Yo, yo, homies, check it. There's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other. None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel. My soul mate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but I think we're in the Bad Place.
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.
Quote from Leap to Faith
Jason: I can't believe Michael betrayed us again. Why is it always the ones you most expect?
Quote from The Answer
Chidi: Jason, I think I need your help. Can I ask you something?
Jason: Cool. No one's ever asked me for advice before, and you're a high school principal.
Chidi: College professor. Who... who told you how to do this? Like, how can you just make a decision this big?
Jason: Chidi, here's the thing with stuff. You can look at a problem from every angle and drive yourself crazy, but sometimes, you just gotta huck a Molotov cocktail at a drone and see what happens.
Chidi: Is what happens that the drone blows up?
Jason: Usually. I mean, where I'm from, most things blow up eventually, so I learned that when something dope comes along, you gotta lock it down. If you're always frozen in fear and taking too long to think about what to do, you'll miss your opportunity and maybe get sucked into the propeller of a swamp boat.