TV Quotes

Eleanor: The point is Michael, we forgive you. I mean, at least you tried to find a way to the Good Place. And that's the greatest thing someone can do, just try your best. So we hereby name you an honorary human. And we would like to present you with this human starter kit.
Michael: Car keys! So I could lose them, and say, "Has anyone seen my car keys?" I can do that you know that thing where... [laughs] Thank you! And Band-Aids for your stupid, fragile bodies. Oh, and look at this. A stress ball with a dumb corporate logo. Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this and then almost throw it away, and then think, "No, I'll use it." [laughter] Oh, guys. A Dr. Oz diet book because you're all such suckers. This is all garbage that I have no real use for.
Eleanor: That's right. Welcome to being human, buddy. To Michael!

Chidi: Here's the thing about me. You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time. It's just this constant grinding about things I'm afraid of or things that I want or want to want or want to want to...
Eleanor: Is it grinding in there right now, bud?
Chidi: Yep, but the point is... the circumstances under which me met are completely insane. And that just makes the grinding harder. I just wish we met the way normal people meet. Like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures. Or you came knocking on my office door asking for help with philosophy.
Eleanor: Is that how you think people meet?
Chidi: I don't know how normal people meet.
Eleanor: You're such a nerd.

Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad and angry when you should be happy, and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but it's insane. The point is, in this case, even if it's not rational, you're allowed to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it and work your way through it, and then get your shirt together. Because we have a lot of work to do.

Michael: Let's focus on the big picture here. Free of Earth's complications and its unintended consequences, the other three improved a lot. Chidi got 38% more confident. Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, and John didn't call one single person the C-word.
Judge: But he did yell the C-word at himself as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.
Shawn: Why are we even still discussing this? Brent got worse. If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.
Judge: He's right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming. I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael: But don't forget. There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people. That's the number of friends in Friends. Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel... and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?