[flashback:]
Alexis: Guuurl, check it out! They're here.
Eleanor: Wait a second. Is this insane? I mean, should we be doing this?
Alexis: Dude, Madison brought this on herself, okay? She's a nightmare of a person to everybody. Plus, we already have a ton of pre-orders. Here is your first cut of the profits.
Eleanor: Holy mama.
[present:]
Michael: I can't believe you sold the t-shirts.
Eleanor: Does it help if they basically sold themselves?
Michael: I think you know it does not. What did you do with the money?
Eleanor: Gah, I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that.
[flashback to Eleanor buying the same dress at a store:]
Eleanor: Thanks, babe.

Michael: Eleanor. Given what you know about the people who've been brought here, the lives they've led, do you think you belong in the Good Place?
Eleanor: No, I don't. [bright tone]
[Michael takes out another box]
Man: [over radio] Yello, Bad Place. What's up, dummy?
Michael: This is Michael, the architect from Good Place Neighborhood 12358W. I'm guessing you've been looking for someone called Eleanor Shellstrop. She's here. Come and get her.

Michael: Hello, Trevor.
Trevor: Hey, there he is. Good to see you again, Mikey. Hey, think fast, I brought you something.
Michael: Oh, nuts, thank you. [fiery snakes shoot out when Michael opens it] Oh! [laughter] Oh, flaming snake ate all the nuts you brought me.
Trevor: [groans] You're too nice to humiliate.

Trevor: Oh, hello. Hi, you look like a piece of crap, are... are you Eleanor? Dude, you're like a legend in the Bad Place. You're... Check this out. Huh?
All: "Dress Bitch"!
Trevor: It's pretty great, right?
Michael: Trevor... Do you know what caused this mistake? 'Cause I cannot figure it out.
Trevor: No, we're stumped, but, uh, don't sweat it, champ. She's definitely one of ours. So we'll just roll on out, and you can get back to, uh, putting rainbows up your butt or whatever you do here. Okay? Let's hit it, sweetheart. We got a long ride.
Eleanor: What? Right now?
Michael: Trevor, for decency's sake, let her have some good-byes.
Trevor: [groans] God, good people are the worst. Okay, uh, 30 minutes. We gotta get back for The Bachelor. I'm gonna be pissed if I miss the Rose Ceremony.

Eleanor: I just want to say, once more, for the record, that this whole good/bad system is bullshirt. There should be a medium place for people like me who kind of sucked, but in, like, a fun, chill way.
Chidi: I agree.
Eleanor: I'm sorry I dragged you into this. And that I never did laundry. And that I waited until you were about to do yours then secretly tossed mine into the basket to trick you into doing it.
Chidi: You didn't trick me. I repeatedly asked you to stop.
Eleanor: Just know you did everything you could to help me. You're a really good fake soul mate.
[After Eleanor holds out her hand for Chidi to shake, he hugs her instead]

Trevor: Oh, hey, dum-dum. You ready to go? Oh, you must be Chidi. Trying to improve her. Bold plan, bro.
Chidi: Well, actually, she learned a great deal in a very short amount of time...
Trevor: Oh, really? Really? I don't care. All right, let's hit it. [to Eleanor] Oh, also, you should smile more. You have such a pretty smile. Love you, babe. Can't wait to torture you. This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is. [Eleanor adjusts her collar] Oops. You just thought about it.

Chidi: Michael, I murdered Janet. I knew about Eleanor from the beginning. I've been trying to help her become a better person, and when she found out that your retirement meant that you would be tortured, she immediately tried to find a way to prevent it. Eleanor is learning. She's just doing it after she died.
Michael: I did enjoy her company. But, this is not Little League. There is no award for Most Improved Player, Chidi.
Chidi: Well, maybe there should be.

Trevor: One final note: the dining car is at the very back of the train. It serves only room-temperature Manhattan clam chowder, and also, it's closed. Okay, here we go. [train chugging]
Michael: Stop this train! [train screeching]
Trevor: Dude, what the fork?
Michael: You're not leaving. Not with her. Not yet. Come on.
Trevor: Wait, you want to keep her? Bro, that's our girl. We agreed on this.
Michael: No, what we agreed on was that this was a mistake. Trevor, we're in unchartered territory here. Until we can sort this out, she stays with us.
Trevor: Pff, all right, fine, but until this is resolved, we're keeping the other Eleanor.
Michael: Fine. What? I'm sorry... The other Eleanor?
Trevor: Yeah, the real Eleanor. The one that was supposed to be here but got sent down to us instead? She's on the train. Eleanor, come on out.
Real Eleanor: Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor Shellstrop.