Michael: Tahani, come on in.
Tahani: Chidi. Imposter who soiled our paradise with her moral turpitude.
Eleanor: 'Sup?

Chidi: This is terrible. What am I supposed to do if he asks me?
Eleanor: I don't know. Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.
Jason: That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.
Chidi: You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. Yeah, I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.
Eleanor: No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.

Michael: Tahani, I'll get right to the crux of the matter. Did you murder Janet?
Tahani: Absolutely not. [bright tone]
Michael: Now, you spent a lot of time with Eleanor. Why do you think that is?
Tahani: Well, people are just drawn to me. You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his TV show Anderson Cooper 360. [bright tone] Given what you learned about Eleanor, do you think she deserves to be here?
Tahani: Well... You know, if it were up to me, I might find a way to look past her, um... deficiencies, but it's not up to me, is it? There are some criteria that she unfortunately just didn't meet in her time on Earth.
Michael: So you think that I should send her to the Bad Place?
Tahani: Well, I didn't say that, but is her staying here unfair to those who earned their place?
Michael: It sounds like you want her to leave.
Tahani: Well, is it not she who wants us to leave her?
Michael: Thank you, Tahani. You've been a big help.
[Michael throws the cube away when it turns red and emits a low tone]

Michael: Wise sage, centered Jianyu. I seek your wisdom in this moment of crisis. What to do with Eleanor? Should I let her stay? Should I send her away? [Jason nods] You think I should send her away? [Jason shakes his head] No, I should let her stay? Or no, I shouldn't let her stay because she doesn't belong here? Or no, I shouldn't let her stay even though she does belong here? Oh, Jianyu, I wish I had your wisdom. Your devotion to the noble truths has given you something that I don't have: clarity. It was Buddha who said, "The man lives a pure life. Nothing can destroy him." I'm not a man, and I've lived no life, so will this destroy me?
Jason: [touches the cactus] Ouch. [holds up his bleeding finger]
Michael: Oh, of course. A cactus on its own intends no harm. It's only when we Interfere that it becomes dangerous. I need to remember my own agency here. Oh, thank you, Jianyu. You're free to go. [Jason points to a cactus] Oh, yes, of course. Help yourself. I've got plenty of those.

Eleanor: What are you guys doing here?
Tahani: Well, we only thought it was proper to see you off. It's the neighborly thing to do.
Eleanor: You guys came to say good-bye because you're my friends.
Tahani: Well, I... suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you. Much as one might be fond of a street cat.
Eleanor: [hugs Tahani] Thanks, Tahani. Sorry about everything. I'm really glad we're friends.

Eleanor: Mm, Janet, can I have a glass of water, please?
Janet: [appears] Here you go. [hands Eleanor a cactus] Oh, gosh, you said "water"?
Eleanor: Yeah.
Janet: I'm so sorry. [hands Eleanor another cactus] There you go.

Chidi: Thank you for confessing, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't...
Eleanor: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm amazing. Bad news. Michael knows I didn't kill Janet which means it's only a matter of time before he finds out that you did and that you did it because you were trying to stop Bonehead Jones over here.
Janet: Hey, homies!
Eleanor: Then he'll figure out that Jianyu's also a phony, and, here's the real dong-buster, Michael said anybody who did anything bad might have to go... [points down]
Chidi: Ohh...
Eleanor: Which means Jianyu's gone, you might be gone, and all three of us are royally forking forked!

Michael: Chidi, come on in.
Janet: [appears] Hi, there. I have Eleanor's file.
Michael: Janet, if you hand me a cactus, I swear I will lose my mind. [Janet hands Michael a file] Oh, yes! All right, here we go. Eleanor, come back in. Chidi, you stay here.

Eleanor: Okay, to understand this, you have to know about my roommate, Madison. She was terrible.
[flashback:]
Eleanor: Hey, Mads, um, I have to go to this stupid work party tonight. Can I borrow your peach dress?
Madison: Aww, that's a hard no, babe. That dress is like twice your salary. All right, I gotta go to the DMV and pick up my vanity plates. Ciao, bitches.
[After Madison leaves, Eleanor sneaks into her wardrobe and puts the dress on. As she tries to zip it up, the fabric tears. Eleanor puts the dress back into plastic cover from the dry cleaner, returns it to the wardrobe and rushes out.]
[present:]
Michael: Well, that's... that's not great, but I assume you confessed and paid to fix it.
Eleanor: Not exactly.
[flashback:]
Madison: Hey, losers, I'm going out. Can you zip me?
Alexis: Dude, that dress is hella ripped.
Madison: What? [Alexis laughs] Oh, that stupid dry cleaner!
Eleanor: Well, that's the risk you take when you keep your clothes clean.
Madison: My mom's a lawyer. Those asswipes are gonna pay.
[present:]
Eleanor: She sued for $900 for the dress and $80 million in emotional distress. The legal fees drove the dry cleaner out of business.
Michael: Oh, boy.

Michael: Wait, this story's about t-shirts. There's more, isn't there?
Eleanor: A little.
[flashback:]
Alexis: Check this out. Somebody put the dry cleaners' story online, and it went viral. Madison's famous.
Eleanor: The "Dress Bitch"? Yikes.
Alexis: [laughs] Serves her right. Madison is psycho. She totally overreacted. This is her fault.
Eleanor: Yeah, her fault. That works.
Madison: [enters] You guys, what is happening? Someone egged my Lexus, and I have like 40,000 tweets calling me the "Dress Bitch"? Over a loser dry cleaner man? Why is everyone so jealous of me? This is a trash city full of idiots.
Alexis: [laughs]
Eleanor: The "Dress Bitch" is so catchy.
Alexis: Yeah.
Eleanor: I mean, someone could totally make t-shirts.
[present:]
Michael: Ooh... No, no. No. No. Do not tell me that you made t-shirts that said... that and then sold them for a profit?
Eleanor: Wish I could tell you that, bud. I really do.