Janet: I've never written a manifesto before. What are you gonna say?
Michael: It'll be a complete account of everything we've learned from the beginning of my neighborhood to right now. And then a recommendation of how we feel the afterlife could be improved. When we turn ourselves in, we'll give it to the Judge and hopefully she'll read it. We've failed, Janet. But maybe one day someone else will succeed. Okay, so... [types] A... Man... i... fes... to. By... Mic... Where's the "H"? This keyboard doesn't have an "H".
Janet: Well...
Michael: Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait... I see it. I see it. [chuckles] Oh, no, no, no. Look what I did.
Janet: Yeah.
Michael: I wrote "Micahel". [chuckles] Oh, that's...
Janet: OK, back, back, back, back, back. Maybe you should dictate and I should type. [types rapidly]
Michael: Good call.
Janet: Just laying out some early details. Go ahead and start dictating.

Cab Driver: All right, this is the address on the licence. That'll be 58 bucks.
Eleanor: Keep the meter running. As soon as I'm done here, I'm gonna head to the airport, get the hell out of this trash country where everyone is either a criminal or a spider.

Eleanor: Hello, ma'am. Is there a Fred Booth here? I found his wallet, and now I'm doing a nice thing and returning it, because I suck.
Woman: Sorry, he moved. I can give you his new address if you'd like? Actually, I have some of his mail. If you're gonna go see him, could you bring it along?
Eleanor: Of course, I would love to bring some rando his mail. Anything else you want me to schlep over?
[On her way out, Eleanor carries a lamp, a light fixture, a potted plant and a garden hose along with heavy bag]
Eleanor: Well, this awesome day gets "awesomer." Before the airport, we're heading to 78 Palmer Street.
Cab Driver: Ha! That's right next to the bar where I picked you up. I feel like a bloody boomerang! [laughs]
Eleanor: Of course you do. [fake laugh]

Michael: A complete account of every single thing we've done and learned.
Janet: I added all the data we've gathered here on Earth, in chart and graph form. And I added a pretty tasty little recipe for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough. [chuckles]
Michael: Ha. Maybe someone, someday, can learn from our mistakes and enact real change in the process of judging people. But for now, Janet, old friend, we are going to enjoy our time on Earth before we're retired.
Janet: Hm.
Michael: So, let's get started. I know it's touristy but I'd really like to visit a LensCrafters.
Janet: Ooh, and I'd like to get bangs.

Tahani: That's a lovely sentiment, Eleanor. Let's try. I'm in.
Jason: I'm in too. I'm gonna remember this day forever because of your dope speech. And also because of the great tacos I had, and also because I got married and I found out I was going to hell, and also I became a hundred millionaire.
Eleanor: All right, we get it. We get it.

Eleanor: What do you say, bud? You want to join the soul squad? Try to save some souls?
Chidi: Yeah, I'm in. But first, I have to go to the bathroom forever.

Eleanor: Cool lecture. And cooler shirt. Feeling all right?
Chidi: I feel fine.
Eleanor: Mm...
Chidi: I do have a stomachache. Why do I always have a stomachache?
Eleanor: Well, you just ate 50 pounds of chilli, bro, this one's on you. Look, I know the future seems bleak but I have a plan. Come with me. Nah-ah-ah! Leave that chilli, weirdo.

Tahani: Hello, Madam. Are you poor? Here's 5,000 dollars for a new stroller. Have a nice day.
Jason: You don't have to say the "are you poor?" part.
Tahani: Right.

Cashier: Sir, that'll be 880 dollars.
Chidi: Here's my credit card. Why don't you just charge it, and keep it forever? And, also, here's the keys to my car. Wait, do you guys have, like, a "take a car, leave a car" tray? No? You know, just take it. Just take it.

Jason: Excuse me, sir? Would you like some free money? Now you can buy fingers for your gloves.