Man: Hey. Do you wanna talk to God?
Chidi: "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
Man: I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird.
[As the sprinklers starts, Chidi takes off his soaked t-shirt, drops it on the ground and walks away]

Jason: Wait a second, I know this guy. You're Zack Pizazz. He got me here from Jacksonville.
Chidi: No, this is the librarian, from the University.
Tahani: Well, I know him as Gordon Indigo, a very rude Silicon Valley investor.
Michael: [chuckles] All right, guys. I can explain everything. Just give me one second, OK? [quietly to Janet] How do we get out of this?
Janet: Well, they heard us explaining the entire system of the afterlife and they saw an interdimensional door open and close, so... not a ton of wiggle room here.
Michael: But, you're forgetting one crucial piece of information. [nods] Right? I mean, you're forgetting one crucial piece of information, that'll save us?

Eleanor: You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened because now I can go back to living my life the way I used to. Only caring about myself, because being good is pointless.
Michael: No, no. Ah, please, Eleanor, just...
Eleanor: No, thank you. I'm outtie. See ya in hell. [gasps] You know what I just realized? I always say that when leaving a room but right now, it's accurate. I will literally see all of you in hell!
Jason: Not if I see you first.

Eleanor: Hey, buddy, it's my birthday. One free margarita please.
Bartender: Well, happy birthday. Can I just see some ID?
Eleanor: No.
Bartender: Why not?
Eleanor: Well, because it's not really my birthday, I just want a free margarita.
Bartender: Well, if I just randomly gave you a free drink, I'd have to do it for everyone. Pretty soon I'd go out of business.
Eleanor: [chuckles] Then don't do it for everyone. Just do it for me because it's my birthday.
Bartender: Happy Birthday.

Jason: Oh, good. You're all here. Big news, everyone!
Jason & Tahani: We got...
Tahani: ...married!
Jason: ...tacos! Oh, yeah, yeah. We got married. And then after we got married, we got tacos!

Eleanor: That's insane, but it's also, like, the eleventh most insane thing to happen today, so who cares? I need everyone to focus up. So, the four of us... The six of us, really, are doomed. Our fates are sealed. But I think we have one move left: we can try.
Jason: Try what?
Eleanor: Try to do good. That stupid little voice in my head told me to do something good today and it was so annoying, but it also made a dork and his very untalented daughter super happy. Me trying, just a little bit, put some good out into the world. The six of us are not getting in to the Good Place. But there are still people in this world that we care about. So I say we try and help them be good people. Try and help them get in. I mean, why not try? It's better than not trying, right?

Eleanor: What the hell is that?
Michael: [chuckles] Oh! Hey, guys. What are you doing down here?
Chidi: Well, we came to get more champagne which is right behind... that magic door.
[As Michael closes the door, the portal disappears]
Michael: What door?
Eleanor: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on? Who are you, and why were you talking about us?
Tahani: And what's the "Good Place," and what are "afterlife points" and who has the most and... is it me?

Eleanor: Yo, buddy! You have like three seconds to explain this crazy space door or Chidi here is gonna beat you up.
Tahani: Yes.
Chidi: Oh, no... I'm... I'm... I'm not. But I would like to know about the space door.
Michael: All right. I don't know what choice we have. I'll tell you the truth. My name is Special Agent Rick Justice.
And this is Lisa "Frenchy" Fuqua. We're with the FBI, and all of you are in grave danger.
Jason: I knew it.

Eleanor: Well, this sucks.
Chidi: So, to sum up... There is a heaven and hell. We've been to hell and now, no matter how good we are for the rest of our lives we're going back to hell.
Michael: Again, it's not the classic Christian "hell", but that's the gist, yes. As soon as you learned about the afterlife your motivation to be good was corrupted, so you can't earn points anymore. So sorry for eternally dooming you.
Janet: And that's our bad, guys.

Michael: No, no, look, look. You guys, this is not over. We have to stay together. Look, we'll figure something out. Like, just one idea I had... I could kill all of you!