Jason: Why don't you want your name on the opera house? I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.

Tahani: This was a truly great plan.
Jason: Ah, thanks. Man, there are so many times that just this amount of money would have changed my life. I could have paid my rent. I could've gone to a real doctor instead of pretending I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.

Bartender: Look, there have to be rules. Every place has rules.
Eleanor: Ugh! Fine, here are my rules... Rule number one, I get to do whatever I want and you all just have to deal with it. Rule two, no more Spider-Man movies! There's way too many Spider-Man movies. Too many dorky, little, twerpy Spider-men. Rule three, everyone leave me alone.
Bartender: So you just take care of yourself? You don't owe anything to anyone else? [chuckles] If people lived that way, society would break down.
Eleanor: Yeah! In America, everyone does whatever they want society did break down, it's terrible, and it's great! You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you, there are no bees because they all died, and if you need surgery, you just beg for money on the internet. It's a perfect system! Now get me another drink. Tomorrow's my birthday. Well, well, well, a wallet. [gasps] My rules say I get to take the cash out and keep it, because in my society, I do whatever I want 'cause I'm awesome. [removes cash] Just take it. Take it, Eleanor. Just... Ugh!

Tahani: Jason, I have an idea but... It's a little risky. I need you to act as my bodyguard. Like my friend, Kevin Costner, in that movie where he was a bodyguard. The Bodyguard.
Jason: No problem. My cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand Sea World. Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish. And instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale.

Michael: Agent Fuqua and I are... paranormal investigators. We're here to protect you from... demons. No, wait, that's real. Um... ghouls. Ghouls! We're here to protect you from ghouls. Now I had to appear in different disguises to keep tabs on you but you are all involved together in this FBI case. [Eleanor scoffs] No, we can... we can... prove this. We have detailed files on all of you. Ask Janet anything. [Janet gasps]
Eleanor: Who's Janet?
Michael: "Frenchy".
Janet: [whispers] Frenchy.
Michael: [scoffs] Sorry... "Frenchy's" nickname is Janet.
Tahani: I thought her nickname was "Frenchy".
Michael: It is. That's why they call her... Lisa "Double Nickname" Fuqua.

Eleanor: OK. Guys, I used to work at a place that was raided by the FBI pretty frequently. I know a Fed when I see one and these two "jamokes" are not FBI, OK? Who are you? Really.
Michael: All right, all right. Fine. Just give me one more second.
Eleanor: One.
Michael: [quietly to Janet] Serious question? Should we kill them?
Janet: What?
Michael: It might work! We kill them, go back through the door somehow grab them before they get to the Bad Place and regroup from there. I could kill them right now. And you know, it would be easy. Their bodies are very poorly made. They're mostly goo and juice. You just take the juice out and then they're dead.
Janet: Michael... they've seen through the door into the afterlife and they heard how it works. [sighs] It's over.
Michael: Ah... Fine. I guess I'll start at the beginning. You all died.

Tahani: So, all the attempts you made to... torture us, we must have been in the afterlife for a hundred years.
Michael: Almost three hundred, actually.
Chidi: Well, how is it possible that all these things happened to us but no time passed on Earth? Did you go back in time to save us?
Michael: Uh, I didn't have to because of Jeremy Bearimy.
Chidi: Who's Jeremy Bearimy?
Michael: OK, things in the afterlife don't happen while things are happening here. Because while time on Earth moves in a straight line. One thing happens, then the next, then the next... Time in the afterlife moves in a Jeremy Bearimy.
Eleanor: What?
Michael: In the afterlife time doubles back and loops around and ends up looking something, like... Jeremy Bearimy. This is the timeline in the afterlife. Happens to kinda look like the name Jeremy Bearimy in cursive English, so that's what we call it.
Eleanor: Sorry, I'm... my brain is melting. How can events happen before the ones that happened... before?
Michael: Just the way it works. It's... It's Jeremy Bearimy. I don't know what to tell you. That's the easiest way to describe it.

Banker: I'm sorry, Miss Al-Jamil but I just don't feel comfortable processing this request.
Tahani: Why not?
Banker: Well, it just seems a bit... odd to transfer the totality of your account 131 million British pounds to the account of... this person... a man who is so flagrantly ignoring the "one lollipop per customer" rule.
Jason: No, I walked out and back in each time, so I'm different customers.
Banker: We're technically supposed to shut down the bank if anyone from Florida even walks in.
Tahani: Look, all my life this money has been a weight around my neck. Like the Heart of the Ocean necklace my friend James Cameron once gave me. I don't want the money. My friend Jason does. I would like to give it to him.
Jason: If it's easier, you can just put it on a GameStop gift card.
Banker: That does not make it "easier." I can't help you. I'm sorry.

Chidi: [sings] You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and eat them both up You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and add the M&Ms You put the Peeps in the chili pot, It makes it taste... bad! [clears throat] [talks] I'm gonna eat all this chili and/or die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna put it right down here. Come on. Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.
Man: Professor? I can see that you're going through something, but exams are next week. So can you teach us anything?
Chidi: All right, nerd. You want to learn something? I'll teach you something. I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life. How do ya like them apples? Now over the last, 2,500 years Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off, there's "virtue ethics." Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character, like courage or generosity. And you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues. Next, there's consequentialism. The basis for judgment about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action. How much utility, or good, did it accomplish versus how much pain, or bad. And finally, there's deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that everyone must adhere to in a functioning society. Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies all three of those theories are hot, stinky, cat dookie. The true meaning of life, the actual ethical system that you should all follow is nihilism. The world is empty. There is no point to anything and you're just gonna die. So, do whatever! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and you all can jump up your own butts.
Woman: Is that going to be on the test?
Chidi: Yes. And no. And you all get "A"s or "F"s. And there is no test. And you all failed it, and you all got "A"s. Who cares? Goodbye. [groaning voice] Goodbye.

Chidi: OK, but, um... what the hell is this? The dot over the "I". What the hell is that?
Michael: OK, um... how do I explain this concisely? This is Tuesdays... and also July.
Janet: And sometimes it's never.
Michael: That's true. Occasionally, that moment... on the Bearimy timeline is the time-moment when nothing "never" occurs. So... you get it?
Chidi: This broke me, uh... The dot over the "I". That broke me, I'm... I'm done.