‘Janet(s)’
Season 3, Episode 10 - Aired December 6, 2018
While Eleanor, Chidi, Tihani and Jason hide out in Janet's void, she and Michael visit the Head Accountant, Neil (Stephen Merchant), to investigate whether the Bad Place has hacked their systems.
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor-Janet: Look, you know what? Just forget it. What am I even doing? I'm... I'm chasing a dude who isn't into me. I'm making myself vulnerable for no reason. I don't even know who I am anymore!
Chidi-Janet: Uh-oh. This is new.
Eleanor #1: I'm so annoyed at myself. Gah! Stupid, Eleanor! Stupid!
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor #1: This whole thing sucks, you know?
Chidi-Janet: Eleanor, you... you're not...
Eleanor #2: The one thing I never wanted to do, ever, for any reason, was to follow some guy around like a lame puppy dog! I mean, look at me. I don't need to do that. I can get any guy I want.
Chidi-Janet: Eleanor, just hang on.
Eleanor #3: What, dude, what? What do you want?
Janet: [appears] What is going on? [sees Eleanor] Okay, well, this is bad.
Eleanor #4: Why are you staring at me? Do I have a zit on my nose or something?
Janet: Your sense of self is crumbling, and it's taking the void down with it.
Eleanor #5: Great. So I don't feel like myself for two seconds, and it breaks the universe? How come nothing went wrong when Chidi freaked out about his identity for three hours?
Chidi-Janet: Because freaking out about everything is my identity. Not to brag.
Janet: I need you to hold it together. Try to do something Eleanor-y. Laugh at someone who falls down, or show up to an event under-dressed and get mad at everyone else somehow. I'll be right back.
Quote from Jason
Jason-Janet: I know I asked you this before, but...
Tahani-Janet: No, darling, this is not where the Mac and PC guys live.
Jason-Janet: Whoa! Check out this dope flat-screen! It's air-mounted! Do you see this, Tahani?
Tahani-Janet: This must be where Janet stores all her information. This screen can literally show us anything that has ever happened.
Jason-Janet: Cartoons, cartoons! I think it's broken. TV, play cartoons for Jason!
Tahani-Janet: Oh, my. Janet has a crush on you. I'm sorry. It's not just a crush. I think in one of the reboots, you and Janet were married.
Jason-Janet: Whoa, married? Oh. This flat-screen must have been a wedding present. It's all starting to make sense now.
Quote from Janet
Michael: No, no, no. This can't be happening. No, he was supposed to tell us what to do. If he's not going to fix this, who is?
Janet: You, Michael. [groans softly] It has to be you. We keep wandering around these different realms expecting someone else to have the answer, but no one ever does. You're the guy, Michael. You're the only one who can fix whatever's wrong with the afterlife. But before we get into that, Eleanor's identity is shattering inside of my void, and I might blow up. So I'm going to need you to grab a paper clip and marbleize me, like, yesterday.
Michael: What's going to happen to the humans?
Janet: No idea, but I can't take them out of my void in the middle of this office. And if we do nothing, everyone's gone-zo. Marbleize me, get us somewhere safe, and bring me back.
Michael: Right, a paper clip! I need a paper clip! Hey, Matt. Do you have a paper clip?
Matt: What are you going to use it for?
Quote from Michael
Janet: They're not Janets anymore. They're them, and they're not sitting well. [exhales deeply] Incoming.
Michael: They're all here, and they're safe... [alarm blaring] From the old scary thing. Now there's a new scary thing.
Quote from Michael
Neil: Hi, guys, I'm Neil. Welcome to Accounting. Now, it does seem that four of you are inter-dimensional fugitives, so I did go ahead and hit the alarm. Sorry about that. But there is some good news. There's some cake left.
Jason: Yes!
Tahani: Michael, what are we going to do?
Michael: Guys, I'm so sorry. The Accountant was no help.
Neil: Rude.
Michael: No one's gotten into the Good Place in 500 years. We have no plan. No one's coming to save us. [looks at Janet] So... [approaches Neil] I'm going to do it. [slaps Neil's cake out of his hand] Follow me!
Neil: Corner piece! No!
Quote from Michael
Neil: You can't take the Book of Dougs. Accountants only.
Michael: I need one of you to volunteer to do something outrageously insane that will either make you cease to exist or be really fun.
Jason: That's most of the things I've tried.
Michael: That's my guy. Come here, come here. Get in the tube.
Jason: Oh, hell, yeah. I love getting in stuff. [Jason disappears up the green tube]
Michael: No way to know what happened to him. So, come on, let's go, everyone else. Come on. Here you go.
Quote from Jason
Janet: [appears] I told you not to conjure anything.
Chidi-Janet: Sorry, I-I just swapped the living room for a classroom.
Janet: Not you, him. Jason, what is wrong with you?
Jason-Janet: Sorry, Janet. I didn't mean to conjure Pillboi. I was just thinking about how much fun we used to have hanging out in his broken hot tub, and then he showed up.
Pillboi: Yeah, I was just chilling, being nothing, and then all of a sudden, I was.
Jason-Janet: Oh!
Janet: Good-bye, Pillboi.
Pillboi: Aw, dip. I'm out again!