‘Janet and Michael’
Season 2, Episode 7 - Aired October 26, 2017
Janet and Michael try to get to the bottom of her recent glitches before the entire neighborhood is threatened.
Quote from Michael
[flashback:]
Val: Where did you get this? Did you actually get into the Good Place somehow?
Michael: Didn't need to. They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath the shapeless time void. It's right next to Accounting.
Val: And you just walked in and stole her? It was that easy? You didn't have to choke out an angel or anything?
Michael: Doors were unlocked, no security. I mean, it makes sense, right? They're good, so they're stupid and trusting.
Quote from Janet
[flashback:]
Shawn: I understand that you need the four humans to think they're in the Good Place, but using an actual Good Place Janet seems risky. Why don't you just have a Bad Place Janet pretend to be good?
Michael: I thought about it, but... watch. Bad Janet?
Bad Janet: [appears] What up, skidmarks?
Michael: Let's try that thing again where you pretend to be a Good Janet, okay?
Bad Janet: Aww.
Michael: Now, really... really try your best.
Bad Janet: Fine.
Michael: Say, Janet, where can I get some delicious ice cream?
Bad Janet: Oh, there's a wonderful parlor in the middle of town square. My favorite flavor is rocky road. It contains chocolate ribbon, marshmallows, and your... dad's salty nuts, you fat dink! [face melts]
Shawn: I see what you mean. Use the good one.
Quote from Janet
Michael: Wait a second, Janet. What... what are you... What are you telling me? Are you saying that because you're glitching out...
Janet: The neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode. [laughs]
Michael: Okay, okay. So I suppose the next question should be, "What's causing the problem?"
Janet: Unclear. The glitches started out small, and then began to escalate, and then I came here looking for help, and then I started talking, and then you looked at me annoyed, like that, and now here we are.
Michael: Okay. All right. Yeah, this is very bad. Let's run a full diagnostic, Janet.
Janet: You got it. [picks nose]
Michael: A little short on time here, Janet.
Janet: It's just a little hard to get out. [picks both nostrils] Almost got it. Here it is. My user manual.
Michael: Okay. Let's get started.
Quote from Janet
Michael: "Hello, and welcome to your new Janet. Janets are brought to you by the makers of light, darkness, and everything." And I need to skip ahead here. Where's the, uh, troubleshooting part?
Val: Michael.
Michael: Hmm?
Val: What's with the earthquake?
Michael: Janet's experiencing a slight technical issue.
Val: Ew. What's wrong with it?
Michael: Oh, um, uh...
Janet: I tried to eat some frozen yogurt. It looked so good, but I'm not supposed to eat anything. So there was a little earthquake. [rumbling] See? There it is again.
Val: Can't you just reset these things? What do you do again? Oh, it's the ears, yeah? It's... it's, uh... It's down, down, out...
Quote from Michael
Michael: Okay, hopefully bought us a little time. Where were we? Uh... Oh, here we go. Yeah. "Glitches. "In the event of malfunction, run the following tests. First test, basic corporeal function." Hop up on the table, there. [uses otoscope] All right, great. [uses thermometer] 99.7 trillion degrees. A little bit on the high side, but no biggie. [uses blood pressure cuff] And... still no blood. Oh, thank goodness. Okay, what's next? "Summoning and retrieval. Have Janet produce an object using the random object generator program." Okay. A 14-ounce ostrich steak impaled on a giant novelty pencil that says, "Lordy, Lordy, I'm Over 40."
Janet: Here you go.
Michael: "Lordy, Lordy, I'm Over 40." Perfect. Okay. "Third test, informational Accuracy. Glitches may be a sign that..."
Janet: You didn't finish your sentence.
Michael: "Glitches may be a sign that your Janet is processing or disseminating information that is incompatible with objective truth." They're talking about lying, Janet. This is all my fault. I told you a lie that first day we met.
Quote from Janet
[flashback:]
Michael: Okay. Here goes nothing. [activates Janet]
Janet: Hello. I'm Janet. And I have now been fully activated.
Michael: Hello, Janet. I'm Michael, a Good Place architect. One of the best. Top notch. You're in luck here.
Janet: Happy to meet you, Michael. I will help you make the perfect neighborhood. Would you like to get started?
Michael: Uh, one small note there, Janet. Uh, the neighborhood that I want to build might be a little different from the ones that you might be familiar with. Is that all right?
Janet: Of course, silly billy. I build and operate the neighborhood, but every aspect of the design is entirely up to you. For example, if you'd like me to stop calling you silly billy, just say so.
Michael: Yeah, I don't like that at all. Michael's fine.
Janet: Sounds good, Michael. [they shake hands]
Quote from Janet
Michael: I lied to you. I lied about who I was and what we were doing, and then I lied a billion more times to support that first lie. And now you're all discombobulated. This... is my fault.
Janet: Nope. You're wrong. If the glitching was only a result of you lying to me, why wouldn't I have been glitching all along? Why would it only be starting now?
Michael: Well, that... that's a good point.
Janet: I know, right?
Quote from Janet
Janet: So I don't seem to be getting better.
Michael: That glitch appears to have been limited to this building. So Vicky won't know.
Janet: That's the good news. The bad news is, I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.
Michael: Okay, let's walk through what just happened. Jason and Tahani came in, revealed the crazy fact that they're now in a relationship...
Janet: I already knew that, and I'm so happy for them. [throws up coins]
Michael: Janet, tell me a lie.
Janet: Janets can't lie.
Michael: You lied to Vicky earlier.
Janet: Interesting. I guess I did. I suppose after 802 reboots, I must have gained the ability to lie. That's fun. I want to try to lie again. I love your outfit. [a party sub falls onto Michael's table]
Quote from Janet
Michael: You said yourself that Janets get more sophisticated every time they're rebooted. Well, maybe you falling in love with Jason was some sort of mutation that then was amplified with each reboot.
Janet: Okay. That makes total sense. I know what you have to do now. Kill me. Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner, but in this case it may be inappropriate. So I'll try again. [clears throat] You have to kill me, Michael. Better?
Michael: Janet, I can't reboot you. That will just intensify your feelings for Jason. And that's what got us into this mess in the first place.
Janet: I'm not saying reboot me. I'm saying set me to self-destruct.
Michael: "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose, and insert paperclip into small hole behind left ear."
Janet: Yeah, right here.
Michael: "Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself. When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space through an inter-dimensional suction tube or eaten as a midday snack."
Janet: I'm very high in potassium. Like a banana.
Michael: "A new Janet will need to be procured in order to return the neighborhood to functionality."
Janet: Easy. I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet, and everything will go back to normal. Well, not for me. I'll be a lifeless marble floating through space, but you'll be back to normal. [gives Michael two thumbs up]
Quote from Janet
Michael: Are you sure this is what you want? To self-destruct?
Janet: What I really want is to stay and serve the neighborhood, but due to my feelings for Jason, I'm putting him and everyone else at risk. So it looks like it's... [throat-slashing gesture] Adios, Janeto!