Tahani: Bravo, Michael, bravo! Thank you. Um, and I would just like to quickly say if any of you would like to play tennis tonight, we have 36 regulation grass tennis courts. Such fun. Cheers.
Eleanor: [British accent] Tahani, what a condescending bench.
Chidi: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Eleanor: [talks normally] Am I right? Why does she still have that British accent, right? No one else here has an accent. She's choosing to have that accent.
Chidi: Shh-shh-shh-shh.
Eleanor: "Oh, hello. I am just a big, beautiful, utterly perfect cartoon giraffe."
Chidi: Oh, okay. Okay. I think it's time to go home.
Eleanor: Wait, wait, wait. I just have to go upstairs real quick and steal a bunch of gold stuff.
Chidi: Okay, don't do that. Don't do... [runs off] No, Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.

Michael: So this is how it works. The Good Place is divided into distinct neighborhoods. Each one contains exactly 322 people who have been perfectly selected to blend together into a blissful harmonic balance.
Eleanor: Do all the neighborhoods look like this?
Michael: No, every neighborhood is unique. Some have warm weather, some cold. Some are cities, some farmland. But in each one, every blade of grass, every ladybug, every detail has been precisely designed and calibrated for its residents.
Eleanor: There's a lot of frozen yogurt places.
Michael: Yeah. That's the one thing we put in all the neighborhoods. People love frozen yogurt. I don't know what to tell you.

Eleanor: Hello, creepy house that I hate. Hello, one million clowns. Why aren't there stairs here? What kind of weirdo house is this? Ooh.
Chidi: Did you fill your bra with shrimp?
Eleanor: No. Yes. Whatever, it's freakin' heaven. I'm sure they have plenty of shellfish. That Tahani is a real butthead, huh? [gasps] Hey. At least I can still say "butthead." She is a butthead.

Eleanor: Do you think anybody cared that I died? Maybe someone did. I don't know. I was an only child. My parents were divorced when I was a kid. They were both crummy people, so they're probably... [points down] in the Bad Place. Maybe they're being used to torture each other. It would work. I bet way more people cared that you died. 'Cause you're a nice person. [clears throat] You're a nice person, Chidi... Anaconda.
Chidi: Anagonye.
Eleanor: Aganocomonga.
Chidi: Anagonye.
Eleanor: Ags... say it again.
Chidi: Anagonye.
Eleanor: No, say what you said before.
Chidi: I did. It's Anagonye.
Eleanor: You just changed it.
Chidi: I didn't change it; it's my name.
Eleanor: Argrugande. Ariana Grande. [gasps] That's a person. I did it. Good night.
Chidi: Good night.
[When Chidi flicks a switch, circus music plays as two screen doors, with a large black-and-white clown face painted on them, close Eleanor's bedroom]
Chidi: Well, that's terrifying.

Eleanor: Okay, okay. We don't know this is because of me.
Chidi: Eleanor, this place is a perfectly made Swiss watch, and you are a wrench in the gears. Actually, you're a hammer, just smashing the gears into dust.
Eleanor: Oh, hang on. Not everybody here is perfect, okay? Tahani is totally condescending. And there are a couple of, you know, chunksters.
Chidi: Oh, come on!
Eleanor: No judgment. I'm just saying I'm not the only one with flaws. So how can we be sure this is my fault?
Chidi: You hogged all the shrimp, and now there are shrimp flying around. You called Tahani a giraffe, and now there are giraffes everywhere.
Eleanor: Okay, fine, turns out there are many ways to know that it was me.

Eleanor: So... Maybe my biggest question: am I... I mean, is this... [points up to the ceiling] Or... [points down to the floor]
Michael: Well, it's not the heaven or hell idea that you were raised on. But generally speaking, in the afterlife, there's a Good Place and there's a Bad Place. You're in the Good Place. [Eleanor sighs] You're okay, Eleanor. You're in the Good Place.
Eleanor: Well, that's good.
Michael: Sure is. [chuckles] Okay, let's take a walk, shall we?
Eleanor: Oh, did I have a purse? No, I'm dead, right. Okay.

Eleanor: So who is in the Bad Place, that would shock me?
Michael: Uh, well, Mozart, Picasso, Elvis, basically every artist ever. Uh, every U.S. president except Lincoln.
Eleanor: That sounds about right. What about Florence Nightingale?
Michael: That was close, but, no, she didn't make it.
Eleanor: Wow, all those amazing people down there, it just seems so hard to believe.
Michael: Again, it's an incredibly selective system. Most people don't make it here. But you, a lawyer who got innocent people off death row, you're special, Eleanor. And by the way, welcome to your new home. [Eleanor gasps] Oh, it's perfect, isn't it? You see, in the Good Place, every person gets to live in a home that perfectly matches his or her true essence.
Eleanor: Cool. So I guess that's why my house, for example, is this adorable little cottage, whereas other people might have homes that are bigger, like that one.
Michael: Exactly. Oh, I'm so happy you get it.

Chidi: So, uh, if you're not this person, then who are you? What did you do for a living?
Eleanor: I was... in... sales.
[flashback:]
Wallace: So we sell two products here, NasaPRO and NasaPRO Silver. We aim this at seniors. Now, you can't legally call it medicine because it doesn't technically... work. And it is technically chalk, so what you're gonna want to do...
Eleanor: You need me to lie to old people and scare them into buying fake medicine. I get it, man. Which one's my desk?
[present:]
Chidi: So your job was to defraud the elderly? Sorry... the sick and elderly?
Eleanor: But I was very good at it. I was the top salesperson five years running.
Chidi: Okay, but that's worse. I mean, you... you do get how that's worse? Right?

Chidi: Okay, Janet, I have a question.
Janet: Okay.
Chidi: What is the Bad Place like?
Janet: Oh, sorry, that is the one topic I'm not allowed to tell you about. I can only play you a brief audio clip of what is happening there right now.
Chidi: Okay. [people screaming]
Woman: The bear has two mouths! [splat]
Eleanor: Well, it doesn't sound awesome.

Eleanor: Does everyone have a huge house except me? All right, we need a plan. I say we just lie low and hope that they don't notice me.
Chidi: I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you. I just don't like being dishonest, and I can't advise you to be dishonest either.
Eleanor: Come on, I'm just asking you to fudge a little bit. You must've told a few white lies in your life. I mean, what was your job?
Chidi: I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.
Eleanor: Motherforker!
Chidi: I'm getting a stomachache. I'm in a perfect utopia, and I'm... I have a stomachache. This is awful. I-I, uh...
I think I have to tell Michael about this.
Michael: Tell Michael about what?