Michael: I think you look great. Professional, serious. A proper team leader.
Eleanor: It does make me feel authoritative, like that chick from Law and Order. "Well, boys, looks like we got ourselves an SVU." I've never seen the show.

Eleanor: Focus. We cannot let this slip away from us at the last second. New plan: forget the toasts. We do nothing. We hope that our early successes make up for the embarrassing mess we've become. Like Facebook or America.

Chidi: Are you sure this isn't you?
Eleanor: Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure I wasn't a death row lawyer who collected clown paintings and rescued orphans. They got my name right, but nothing else. I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?
Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.
Eleanor: That's bullshirt.

Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: [gasps] Who are you?
Janet: I'm Janet. I think this is yours. After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.
Eleanor: What?
[Eleanor reads the note which says "Eleanor - find Chidi"]
Eleanor: What the fork is a "Chidi"? Why can't I say "fork"?
[Janet has disappeared when Eleanor turns around]

Eleanor: I don't know if what I'm going to say is going to hurt or help, but screw it. Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad... all the time. That's just the deal.
Michael: Sounds like a crappy deal.
Eleanor: Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew... "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Eleanor: Okay, uh, where do I start? I'm not, like, the best person in the world. I'm a trash bag from Arizona, which is saying something. Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs and HPV.

Bartender: Look, there have to be rules. Every place has rules.
Eleanor: Ugh! Fine, here are my rules... Rule number one, I get to do whatever I want and you all just have to deal with it. Rule two, no more Spider-Man movies! There's way too many Spider-Man movies. Too many dorky, little, twerpy Spider-men. Rule three, everyone leave me alone.
Bartender: So you just take care of yourself? You don't owe anything to anyone else? [chuckles] If people lived that way, society would break down.
Eleanor: Yeah! In America, everyone does whatever they want society did break down, it's terrible, and it's great! You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you, there are no bees because they all died, and if you need surgery, you just beg for money on the internet. It's a perfect system! Now get me another drink. Tomorrow's my birthday. Well, well, well, a wallet. [gasps] My rules say I get to take the cash out and keep it, because in my society, I do whatever I want 'cause I'm awesome. [removes cash] Just take it. Take it, Eleanor. Just... Ugh!

Chidi: Eleanor. I have spent my entire life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe. And now we can actually learn about them together as soul mates. It's overwhelming.
Eleanor: Chidi. You'll stand by my side no matter what, right?
Chidi: Of course I will.
Eleanor: Promise me. Say, "I promise I will never betray you for any reason."
Chidi: Eleanor, I swear that I will never say or do anything to cause you any harm.
Eleanor: Good. Because those aren't my memories. I wasn't a lawyer. I never went to the Ukraine. I hate clowns. There's been a big mistake. I'm not supposed to be here.
Chidi: Wait, what?

Michael: You get it all out of your system? You gonna come back, get to work?
Eleanor: No, man, I meant what I said. I quit.
Michael: I'm sorry you overheard that, and they're sorry they said it. But you don't just get to quit this, Eleanor. This is not your seventh-grade band, or three hours into a two-week juice cleanse. A little more at stake here.
Eleanor: Yeah, man, that's why I'm quitting. The things that are happening here are above my pay grade. How do I get Brent to stop being such a deckhead? How do I fix Simone when she's convinced all of this is happening inside of her brain? Ooh, maybe I should drive her into the arms of my ex-boyfriend? That sounds fun. What do I do about John, the gossip king, or the demon spy who punched me in the face? And how do I do it all with a pleasant smile to keep everyone's spirits up? I'm not meant for this. I'm not the freakin' savior of the universe. I'm just... a girl from Arizona. That's it. I'm just a normal girl from Arizona. I ate junk food, I watched reality shows, I sometimes left H&M wearing more underpants than I had on when I came in. I did a bad job of being in charge of my own life, and now I'm supposed to be in charge of everyone else's life? I... I cannot do this.

Eleanor: All right. Time to go help Simone and Chidi. Oof! Why did I come up with this idea? This is gonna hurt real bad.
Michael: I know. I know. But I think it's gonna work.
Eleanor: Yeah, but it's gonna suck for me. You sure there's no other girl from Arizona who can do this? What about Emma Stone? She's from there. She's very capable. Remember her in Zombieland? And La La Land? What's with all her movies ending with "land"?
Michael: You're stalling.
Eleanor: Yup. Heading out.