Jason: I guess I could do my normal breakup routine. Drink a ton of Mountain Dew, steal an ATV and ride it through a Panda Express. But then I'd have to ask Janet for the Mountain Dew and the ATV, and then I'd have to see Janet, and then I'd start crying. What do I do?
Tahani: I honestly don't know. But whatever you do, you'll be doing it with your friends.
Jason: [sobs] And I didn't even get to tell you about the Blake Bortles part.

Chidi: No offense, but solipsism, as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile, especially for a person with multiple advanced degrees. And it's also impossible to refute, because everything you see is confirmed by your belief. However... [Chidi sticks his finger in Simone's frozen yogurt]
Simone: Dude!
Chidi: What? If none of this is real, then it really shouldn't matter, right? In fact... [Chidi boops her on the nose with his yogurty finger]
Simone: Dude!
Chidi: What? It's not real. None of this matters. Leave that on your nose for the rest of time.
Simone: Fine. Point sort of taken.
Chidi: You know, in a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters, then you end up doing things like knocking over cakes, and pushing people into pools and just generally acting like a jerk. Why not treat them better, just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect?
Simone: Okay. Keep talking, probably-fake but-maybe-real philosopher man.

Tahani: It must have been really hard, lying to Chidi like that.
Eleanor: That's the thing, I don't know that it was a lie. They did fall in love on Earth. And Michael was right. Chidi made a huge sacrifice for us, and I had to make sure it was worth it.
Michael: It's arguable that you made an even bigger sacrifice. You actually have to live with this situation. Chidi just gets to go around, blissfully unaware of what he gave up.
Eleanor: Yeah, but we know what he gave up. Dat ash. [holds hand for Jason to high-five] Come on, bud. I know you're down, but you can't leave me hanging.
Jason: You're right. That is the code. [high-fives Eleanor]

Wanda: Anyway, long story short, that's why there are still ducks. I saved all the ducks.
Audience: Aw!
Eleanor: Incredible. Wow. Thank you, Wanda. What a life. Now we turn to our next guest, Chidi Anagonye. [applause] Now, Chidi, you led an impressive life as an academic.
Chidi: Uh, well, uh, not save-an-entire-species impressive, but yes, I was a professor of ethical and moral philosophy. I'm sorry. Literally every duck? You saved every duck?
Wanda: In essence, yes. And I didn't mention this before, I really don't like to brag, but also horses.
Chidi: What? Man. I mean, compared to you, I feel a little inadequate. [Brent checks his watch]

Eleanor: A car? He got a car?
Michael: Okay. Well, back to the drawing board.
Eleanor: If we want him to understand he doesn't belong here, we don't need a drawing board. We need to bust him open like a pinata.
Michael: We tried that in the Bad Place. The goo that comes out doesn't taste as good as candy.
Eleanor: No, dude, metaphorically.
Michael: Ah.
Eleanor: Although, there is another Bad Place strategy that might work very well here.
Michael: I don't know if that's the right move.
Eleanor: It's our only move. And we're doing it tomorrow.

Tahani: Michael, I'm afraid we need to talk about Eleanor.
Michael: I know what you're gonna say. She's just been really busy. I'm sure she'll get around to showering at some point.
Janet: No, it's not that. Although, it's not, not that. It's possible we need a new team leader.
Michael: Oh, really?
Tahani: We just can't help but question her decision-making. She balked at bringing Chidi and Simone together. She ignored my concerns about Linda. Her plans for Brent backfired. We've made precious little progress. Perhaps leadership isn't her forte.

Eleanor: Ladies and gentlemen, back with her trademark brand of B-minus leadership, Eleanor Shellstrop.
Tahani: We are so, so, so sorry, Eleanor. We never should've questioned you.
Eleanor: Don't worry about it, hot stuff. I was questioning me, too. But I'm back, baby. And I have a new idea for Brent. Guys like him never think they're wrong. So, we're gonna tell him he's right.

Michael: Problem is, now he's saddled with a bad motivation. His points won't go up if the only reason he's being nice is to make his points go up.
Eleanor: Yeah. But that was also my situation when I first asked Chidi for help. I only did it so you wouldn't catch me. We have to hope that over time, Brent starts doing good things out of habit.
Michael: Just like you.
Eleanor: Hey, I just realized something. That whole "You're the only one who can save us" speech. You didn't actually have a nervous breakdown on day one, did you? You faked it, so that I would step up and take over.
Michael: Guilty.
Eleanor: You tricky devil. Very clever.