Dorothy: Blanche, Blanche, now calm down.
Blanche: Oh, I'm calm. I'm just as calm as can be. And you know why? Because my worst suspicions have just been confirmed. My stunning good looks are fading. Oh, the camera does not lie. And that leaves me with only one choice. I am gonna be perfect. I'm gonna be gorgeous. I'm gonna have my tummy tucked and my butt firmed and my breasts raised and my face lifted.
Sophia: It's a shame to do all that and keep that hairdo.

Rose: Oh, Sophia, how would you like to star in my video?
Sophia: Are there any nude love scenes involved?
Rose: No.
Sophia: Because if it's integral to the plot, I'll be more than happy to do it.

Blanche: Here, Rose. What do you think of Cheryl Tiegs' nose?
Blanche: Very nice. Kinda small. Grandpa Nylund always said, "The air is free. You might as well have a big honker and suck up as much as you can." Course, Grandpa Nylund looked like he'd caught a boomerang in the middle of his face.

Sophia: There was a service organisation in Sicily with similar membership requirements. Except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.
Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.

Sophia: Dorothy, my child. Sunshine of my life. [kisses] You got that in a close-up, Rose?
Dorothy: Ma, why are you dressed like someone who just escaped from It's A Small World?
Sophia: Come, my darling daughter. Mother has made you your favorite breakfast.
Dorothy: Lasagna in meat sauce?
Sophia: Doesn't it look delicious? And think, for just $5.95, the recipe can be yours.

Rose: Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.
Dorothy: Oh, really? Gee, it sounds like fun.
Rose: Oh, I'm glad you think so because I want you to be one of the stars.
Dorothy: Rose, I don't think so. No, you know how I'm uncomfortable I am in front of a camera. Besides, I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose: This is a documentary. It's OK if you're not good-Iooking.
Dorothy: Rose, stop trying to appeal to my ego. The answer is no.

Blanche: Well, I can't help it. I'm so upset. Seeing my sorority sisters was just dreadful.
Rose: What happened?
Blanche: It was just as if time had stood still for 30 years. Every woman there looked wonderful. They'd hardly aged at all.
Rose: I saw a movie like that once. All the women were sucked up into flying saucers. And mechanical doubles were sent back to earth to take their place. Did any of them mention a leader named Zardos?

Dorothy: Well, come on now, Blanche. What difference does it make?
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy. You can not possibly begin to comprehend the terrible trauma a gorgeous woman goes through when she realizes her beauty is starting to fade.
Dorothy: And who do you see when you look at me, Blanche? Joe Pepitone?
Blanche: All my life my beauty has outshone every other woman's. But no more. Now people are cuter than me, my life is over.
Rose: Well, Blanche, if you feel like that about it, you can get a face-lift, too.
Blanche: Oh, I can't do that. Why surgery scares me to death. That's out of the question.
Dorothy: Well, you'll just have to grow old along with the rest of us.
Blanche: I couldn't go on if I had to look like the two of you.
Dorothy: You know, she had me in her corner right up until the end.

Rose: Here goes. That's Sophia walking into the kitchen.
Sophia: I didn't know Fess Parker was in this picture.
Dorothy: Ma! Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: I'm mugging for the camera.
Dorothy: You're mugging me. You're stealing money from my pocket.
Sophia: I'm checking to see if you have exact change for the bus. Now I'm stealing.

Blanche: My God. Is that me? I look awful.
Rose: Oh, that's my fault, Blanche. I was out of focus.
Sophia: You're always out of focus.
Blanche: No, I look old. I look decrepit. I look ancient. I look all shriveled up and wrinkled like a prune.
Sophia: Could be worse. She could look like Fess Parker.