Rose: Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?
Blanche: I think it's alright as long as you've already had at least three dates.

Rose: Well, you were one of the lucky ones. It doesn't always work out that well. It sure didn't for Olga Fetchik.
Sophia: Just a minute, Rose. [puts on a pair of headphones and plays a tape recorder] Somebody give me a hand signal when she's finished.
Rose: Olga Fetchik was our town beautician. And one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark. Anyway, over the years, Olga had been secretly squirreling away money for plastic surgery. Well, one day she left without telling anyone, had the surgery and didn't return for months. Well, nobody could believe their eyes. Olga Fetchik had turned into a stunning beauty. Every man in town wanted her. She ended up marrying St. Olaf's most handsome and eligible bachelor, dance instructor Adolph Step. The two of them moved back to Norway, decided to get into show business, and they became the internationally renowned Scandinavian dance team of Step and Fetchik.
[A long period of silence follows as Dorothy and Blanche stare at Rose in disbelief]
Blanche: Rose, not that I care, but since you've already gone to so much trouble, just how did having plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?
Rose: Oh, it didn't ruin her life, it almost ruined St. Olaf. I mean, after she left, the town didn't have a professional beautician for years. Women started giving each other home perms. Pretty soon, everybody looked like Art Garfunkel. Husbands stopped sleeping with their wives, the population started to go down. Well, the town would have gone under if Oslo's most famous hairstylist, Vidal Sassbogadotter hadn't relocated his shop in St.
Olaf because of our more favorable tax laws. Now, you see why I don't like plastic surgery?
[Dorothy stands up, walks over to Sophia at the kitchen counter and turns the volume way up on her tape recorder]
Sophia: Ow! What did you do that for?
Dorothy: Why should we be the only ones in pain? You were saying, Rose?

Rose: Isn't it wonderful how you make lifelong bonds when you join a sorority?
Dorothy: Oh, I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.
Rose: Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.
Dorothy: Very commendable.
Rose: As long as she could castrate a sheep.

Sophia: Blanche is a very vain person and vanity can be a terrible thing. I should know. I used to be vain myself.
Rose: You, Sophia?
Sophia: What? You think I was born with white hair and a butt like Play-Doh? When I was a teenager, I was gorgeous. Eyes as deep and black as ripe olives. Skin as smooth and creamy as fresh butter. Hair flaming red like a rich marinara sauce.
Dorothy: Ma, that's not you, that's your lasagna recipe.
Sophia: Ah, shut up. Anyway, I was the most gorgeous girl in the village and I could have had my pick of the town's most eligible goat farmers. Until Anna Maria Alonso Paladino, known to her friends as Muffin, moved to our village. Suddenly, all the men, who were always fighting over who would get to keep the footprints I left in the mud, were after Muffin. So, I decided...
Dorothy: Wait, just a minute. They would fight over who kept the footprints you left in the mud?
Sophia: It was a poor village, Dorothy. What did you want them to collect, Fabergé eggs? Anyway, I was too vain to be the second-most beautiful girl in the village. So, I went to Muffin and I told her how I felt. That was when I found out that beautiful girl was even more beautiful inside. She offered to move to the neighboring village.
Rose: And you felt guilty 'cause you'd been so vain?
Sophia: Hell, no. I helped her pack. But it all backfired in my face because the next day, all the good-Iooking men followed her. That's how I ended up with your father. Boy, talk about learning a lesson the hard way.

Blanche: Well, it wasn't just any old date. It was with a plastic surgeon, Rose. Beauty is his stock in trade. He can create any face, any body he wants. And what he wanted was mine. And you know, that got me to thinking. All my life I have had a unique charm that just kind of flowed naturally. Now, if I tampered with that, why I could risk losing forever that special magic that is Blanche Devereaux. That, frankly, was a risk I was not willing to take.
Rose: And that's why you decided not to have surgery?
Blanche: No, I figured if I could land myself a doctor, I might as well wait and let him can pay for it. Besides, I guess I can live with the lines and wrinkles and sagging, as long as I have you three to grow old with.
Rose: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Blanche: Yeah. Specially since no matter how old we get, I'll always be the youngest, and the prettiest and by far the most desirable.
Dorothy: You know, once again she had me in her corner right up until the end.

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. Want some tea?
Sophia: Nah, I'm trying to cut back. Tea stains my dentures. Last night, I had to soak them in Ajax. They're white again, but my mouth feels like somebody should rinse their socks in it.
Dorothy: You want a glass of milk?
Sophia: Nah, it upsets my stomach.
Dorothy: Orange juice?
Sophia: Ah, too acidic.
Dorothy: Is there anything I can get you?
Sophia: A cup of tea would be nice.

Sophia: Dorothy, this could be my big chance. With the exposure I get from Rose's movie, I could hawk my recipes around the country.
Dorothy: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Sophia: Oh, no. If you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it. Mamma Celeste, Chef Boyardee and Chef Balducci.
Rose: I don't remember Chef Balducci.
Sophia: Oh, right. He didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should've stuffed cannelloni in the traditional manner.

Rose: You see, Dorothy, Sophia wants to be in my video. Why won't you?
Sophia: Dorothy's always been camera-shy. You'd be too, if you looked like Fess Parker in heels.

Blanche: Why, I cannot wait to see my sorority sisters. Scarlett and Melanie and all the rest of the girls. It's gonna be exactly like old times. Oh, well, maybe not just exactly. The other girls will all have grown old and wrinkled and saggy through the years, while I have remained unbelievably devastating. I cannot wait to go back there and rub their noses in it.

Blanche: Girls, guess what I just got? An invitation to the reunion of my college sorority, the Alpha Gams.
Rose: I belonged to a sorority when I was in college, the Alpha Yams. It was an agricultural college.