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‘Whose Face Is This, Anyway?’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Whose Face Is This, Anyway?

220. Whose Face Is This, Anyway?

Aired February 28, 1987

After she attends her college sorority reunion, a devastated Blanche fears her looks are fading and considers plastic surgery.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Blanche is a very vain person and vanity can be a terrible thing. I should know. I used to be vain myself.
Rose: You, Sophia?
Sophia: What? You think I was born with white hair and a butt like Play-Doh? When I was a teenager, I was gorgeous. Eyes as deep and black as ripe olives. Skin as smooth and creamy as fresh butter. Hair flaming red like a rich marinara sauce.
Dorothy: Ma, that's not you, that's your lasagna recipe.
Sophia: Ah, shut up. Anyway, I was the most gorgeous girl in the village and I could have had my pick of the town's most eligible goat farmers. Until Anna Maria Alonso Paladino, known to her friends as Muffin, moved to our village. Suddenly, all the men, who were always fighting over who would get to keep the footprints I left in the mud, were after Muffin. So, I decided...
Dorothy: Wait, just a minute. They would fight over who kept the footprints you left in the mud?
Sophia: It was a poor village, Dorothy. What did you want them to collect, Fabergé eggs? Anyway, I was too vain to be the second-most beautiful girl in the village. So, I went to Muffin and I told her how I felt. That was when I found out that beautiful girl was even more beautiful inside. She offered to move to the neighboring village.
Rose: And you felt guilty 'cause you'd been so vain?
Sophia: Hell, no. I helped her pack. But it all backfired in my face because the next day, all the good-Iooking men followed her. That's how I ended up with your father. Boy, talk about learning a lesson the hard way.

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Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, you were one of the lucky ones. It doesn't always work out that well. It sure didn't for Olga Fetchik.
Sophia: Just a minute, Rose. [puts on a pair of headphones and plays a tape recorder] Somebody give me a hand signal when she's finished.
Rose: Olga Fetchik was our town beautician. And one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark. Anyway, over the years, Olga had been secretly squirreling away money for plastic surgery. Well, one day she left without telling anyone, had the surgery and didn't return for months. Well, nobody could believe their eyes. Olga Fetchik had turned into a stunning beauty. Every man in town wanted her. She ended up marrying St. Olaf's most handsome and eligible bachelor, dance instructor Adolph Step. The two of them moved back to Norway, decided to get into show business, and they became the internationally renowned Scandinavian dance team of Step and Fetchik.
[A long period of silence follows as Dorothy and Blanche stare at Rose in disbelief]
Blanche: Rose, not that I care, but since you've already gone to so much trouble, just how did having plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?
Rose: Oh, it didn't ruin her life, it almost ruined St. Olaf. I mean, after she left, the town didn't have a professional beautician for years. Women started giving each other home perms. Pretty soon, everybody looked like Art Garfunkel. Husbands stopped sleeping with their wives, the population started to go down. Well, the town would have gone under if Oslo's most famous hairstylist, Vidal Sassbogadotter hadn't relocated his shop in St.
Olaf because of our more favorable tax laws. Now, you see why I don't like plastic surgery?
[Dorothy stands up, walks over to Sophia at the kitchen counter and turns the volume way up on her tape recorder]
Sophia: Ow! What did you do that for?
Dorothy: Why should we be the only ones in pain? You were saying, Rose?

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?
Blanche: It's think it's alright as long as you've already had at least three dates.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Isn't it wonderful how you make lifelong bonds when you join a sorority?
Dorothy: Oh, I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.
Rose: Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.
Dorothy: Very commendable.
Rose: As long as she could castrate a sheep.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, this could be my big chance. With the exposure I get from Rose's movie, I could hawk my recipes around the country.
Dorothy: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Sophia: Oh, no. If you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it. Mamma Celeste, Chef Boyardee and Chef Balducci.
Rose: I don't remember Chef Balducci.
Sophia: Oh, right. He didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should've stuffed cannelloni in the traditional manner.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. Want some tea?
Sophia: Nah, I'm trying to cut back. Tea stains my dentures. Last night, I had to soak them in Ajax. They're white again, but my mouth feels like somebody should rinse their socks in it.
Dorothy: You want a glass of milk?
Sophia: Nah, it upsets my stomach.
Dorothy: Orange juice?
Sophia: Ah, too acidic.
Dorothy: Is there anything I can get you?
Sophia: A cup of tea would be nice.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, it wasn't just any old date. It was with a plastic surgeon, Rose. Beauty is his stock in trade. He can create any face, any body he wants. And what he wanted was mine. And you know, that got me to thinking. All my life I have had a unique charm that just kind of flowed naturally. Now, if I tampered with that, why I could risk losing forever that special magic that is Blanche Devereaux. That, frankly, was a risk I was not willing to take.
Rose: And that's why you decided not to have surgery?
Blanche: No, I figured if I could land myself a doctor, I might as well wait and let him can pay for it. Besides, I guess I can live with the lines and wrinkles and sagging, as long as I have you three to grow old with.
Rose: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Blanche: Yeah. Specially since no matter how old we get, I'll always be the youngest, and the prettiest and by far the most desirable.
Dorothy: You know, once again she had me in her corner right up until the end.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: You see, Dorothy, Sophia wants to be in my video. Why won't you?
Sophia: Dorothy's always been camera-shy. You'd be too, if you looked like Fess Parker in heels.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Why, I cannot wait to see my sorority sisters. Scarlett and Melanie and all the rest of the girls. It's gonna be exactly like old times. Oh, well, maybe not just exactly. The other girls will all have grown old and wrinkled and saggy through the years, while I have remained unbelievably devastating. I cannot wait to go back there and rub their noses in it.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, Sophia, how would you like to star in my video?
Sophia: Are there any nude love scenes involved?
Rose: No.
Sophia: Because if it's integral to the plot, I'll be more than happy to do it.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Girls, guess what I just got? An invitation to the reunion of my college sorority, the Alpha Gams.
Rose: I belonged to a sorority when I was in college, the Alpha Yams. It was an agricultural college.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Here, Rose. What do you think of Cheryl Tiegs' nose?
Blanche: Very nice. Kinda small. Grandpa Nylund always said, "The air is free. You might as well have a big honker and suck up as much as you can." Course, Grandpa Nylund looked like he'd caught a boomerang in the middle of his face.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.
Dorothy: Oh, really? Gee, it sounds like fun.
Rose: Oh, I'm glad you think so because I want you to be one of the stars.
Dorothy: Rose, I don't think so. No, you know how I'm uncomfortable I am in front of a camera. Besides, I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose: This is a documentary. It's OK if you're not good-Iooking.
Dorothy: Rose, stop trying to appeal to my ego. The answer is no.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: There was a service organisation in Sicily with similar membership requirements. Except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.
Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, my child. Sunshine of my life. [kisses] You got that in a close-up, Rose?
Dorothy: Ma, why are you dressed like someone who just escaped from It's A Small World?
Sophia: Come, my darling daughter. Mother has made you your favorite breakfast.
Dorothy: Lasagna in meat sauce?
Sophia: Doesn't it look delicious? And think, for just $5.95, the recipe can be yours.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Hi, girls.
Dorothy: Blanche, honey, what are you doing here? I thought the reunion wasn't over till tomorrow.
Blanche: No, it isn't. I just decided I'd come home a day early.
Rose: Is there something wrong?
Blanche: No, nothing. [eating straight out of a tray of lasagna] Whatever gave you that idea?
Dorothy: As long as nothing's bothering you. Would you like us to defrost a loin of pork so you can scoop up the sauce?

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Well, I can't help it. I'm so upset. Seeing my sorority sisters was just dreadful.
Rose: What happened?
Blanche: It was just as if time had stood still for 30 years. Every woman there looked wonderful. They'd hardly aged at all.
Rose: I saw a movie like that once. All the women were sucked up into flying saucers. And mechanical doubles were sent back to earth to take their place. Did any of them mention a leader named Zardos?

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Well, come on now, Blanche. What difference does it make?
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy. You can not possibly begin to comprehend the terrible trauma a gorgeous woman goes through when she realizes her beauty is starting to fade.
Dorothy: And who do you see when you look at me, Blanche? Joe Pepitone?
Blanche: All my life my beauty has outshone every other woman's. But no more. Now people are cuter than me, my life is over.
Rose: Well, Blanche, if you feel like that about it, you can get a face-lift, too.
Blanche: Oh, I can't do that. Why surgery scares me to death. That's out of the question.
Dorothy: Well, you'll just have to grow old along with the rest of us.
Blanche: I couldn't go on if I had to look like the two of you.
Dorothy: You know, she had me in her corner right up until the end.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Here goes. That's Sophia walking into the kitchen.
Sophia: I didn't know Fess Parker was in this picture.
Dorothy: Ma! Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: I'm mugging for the camera.
Dorothy: You're mugging me. You're stealing money from my pocket.
Sophia: I'm checking to see if you have exact change for the bus. Now I'm stealing.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: My God. Is that me? I look awful.
Rose: Oh, that's my fault, Blanche. I was out of focus.
Sophia: You're always out of focus.
Blanche: No, I look old. I look decrepit. I look ancient. I look all shriveled up and wrinkled like a prune.
Sophia: Could be worse. She could look like Fess Parker.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Blanche, Blanche, now calm down.
Blanche: Oh, I'm calm. I'm just as calm as can be. And you know why? Because my worst suspicions have just been confirmed. My stunning good looks are fading. Oh, the camera does not lie. And that leaves me with only one choice. I am gonna be perfect. I'm gonna be gorgeous. I'm gonna have my tummy tucked and my butt firmed and my breasts raised and my face lifted.
Sophia: It's a shame to do all that and keep that hairdo.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, I like this nose. I think I'm gonna get it.
Dorothy: What are you getting?
Blanche: I'm picking out the kind of face I want to show the plastic surgeon tomorrow. See, I wanna get Linda Evans's eyes and Lena Horne's cheekbones and Cheryl Tiegs' nose and Carol Burnett's chin.
Dorothy: I think you can get that chin through a catalog.
Blanche: See, if you put the pieces together like this, you see what the new me's gonna look like. See, there. What do you think?
Sophia: Why is everyone looking at a picture of Gavin MacLeod?

Quote from Rose

Rose: I don't believe in plastic surgery. It's unnatural.
Sophia: This from a woman who slept with a pig until she was 11.
Dorothy: No, I think if it makes you feel better to look better, there's nothing wrong with it.
Rose: Then I guess that looking good just isn't that important to me.
Dorothy: Oh, come on. What are you talking about, Rose? You wear make-up, you have your nails done, you even color your hair.
Rose: This is my hair's natural color.
Sophia: Yeah, and John Madden is a finicky eater.

Quote from Blanche

Dr. Taylor: You are proposing some very extensive surgery here. Eyes, nose, stomach...
Blanche: And breasts. I cut these out of a magazine. What do you think of those?
Dr. Taylor: Very nice. The angle's a little steep for my personal tastes. But they certainly do make a statement.
Blanche: Yes, they do, they say "big". That's exactly what I want.
Dr. Taylor: It just so happens that breasts are my specialty.
Blanche: You have that in common with a linebacker I know on the Miami Dolphins.

Quote from Dorothy

[The girls enter a hospital room and walk over to a patient whose entire face is wrapped in bandages like a mummy]
Dorothy: Blanche, honey. How are you?
[The patient makes indistinct murmurs]
Rose: Oh, you're probably pretty uncomfortable now, but in a few days you'll be feeling fine.
Sophia: Can we get you anything?
[The patient again makes indistinct murmurs before lifting up their bed sheet.]
Dorothy: Whoa.
Sophia: I think you've got yourself one hell of a lawsuit there, Blanche.
Rose: Was this a last-minute decision?
Dorothy: We're very sorry, sir.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: She's not out there.
Rose: She isn't in her bedroom.
Sophia: There's no one in the kitchen now, but I think she was there. The coffee's still warm.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, that's because we were in there drinking it less than an hour ago.
Sophia: Excuse me, Miss Marple, I'm new at this.


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