Rose: Every time you need to talk to somebody, you go to your mother or to Blanche. Why doesn't anybody ever talk to me?
Dorothy: Your advice always comes with one of those damn St. Olaf stories.
Rose: I can give advice without a damn St. Olaf story. Now, what's wrong?
Dorothy: Well, I just don't think it was right of Ma to hire that matchmaker behind my back. Now, why does she always meddle in my life?
Rose: Well, Dorothy, I recently read about a man in Paris, France named Frudensteufer-
Dorothy: Rose!
Rose: Pierre Frudensteufer. He worked in his father's herring - no, quiche factory, and his father Lars Fr
Dorothy: Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?
Rose: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it. Her name was Uma Van Hefflan. No relation. Although she, too, collected string. Well, one day-
Dorothy: Rose! Rose, stop yourself. You're doing two of them at the same time.
Rose: I know, and I'd like to try to handle it. I feel like Hans the Plate Spinner. Funny thing about-
Dorothy: Rose!
Rose: Oh, my God, Dorothy. I need help.

Dorothy: Honey, what's the matter?
Blanche: I just found out that Mammy Watkins and Big Daddy had an affair. They were lovers. For over 50 years.
Sophia: And we can't even get anybody to do our windows.

Blanche: That call. It was Viola Watkins. She used to be my mammy.
Dorothy: Your what?
Blanche: My mammy. The woman who took care of me when I was little.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sorry. I don't think I ever heard anyone called "Mammy" before.
Rose: What about Mrs. Eisenhower?
Dorothy: "Mammy" Eisenhower? I think only the Nixon kids got to call her that.

Mammy: My friends in Atlanta read in the papers where you'd be sellin' off his things here in Miami, and before you did, there's something I'd like to ask you for.
Blanche: The Bible?
Mammy: No, thanks. I don't drink.

Blanche: I just can't get over it.
Rose: Over what?
Dorothy: San Juan Hill, Rose. Over the fact that her father had an affair with her mammy.

Dorothy: Ma, why do you do this?
Sophia: I want you to be happy.
Dorothy: I am happy. Look, Ma, I know that you think there's something missing from my life, but there isn't. If the right person comes along, great, but I don't need a man to be happy.
Sophia: I didn't realize that about you. On Mrs. Contini's questionnaire, there's a box about that.

Dorothy: Could we back that up a second? Who is Mrs. Contini? What do you mean "matching us up"?
Jack: You know, Mrs. Contini, the matchmaker who brought us together. I realize the process is hopelessly old-fashioned, but it's a lot more personal than those video-dating services, don't you think?
Dorothy: I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake. I think you'd better go.
Jack: W-Wait. C-Can I see you again?
Dorothy: Probably not. I will be at the Florida State Women's Prison.
Jack: The one in Jacksonville? They used to come to our dances. Why are you going there?
Dorothy: Murder.

Sophia: Oh, Pussycat. Just the person I was looking for. I have a question for you, strictly hypothetical. Let's say a man wants to take you out on a date.
Dorothy: Why is that hypothetical?
Sophia: Check your calendar, Pussycat. Uh, now, would you rather this man had looks, personality or money?
Dorothy: Personality. [Sophia shakes her head] Looks? [again] Money? Why did you ask me that?
Sophia: No reason. Just wanted to get your honest opinion.

Sophia: Pussycat, I have another hypothetical question. Let's say a man is interested in you.
Dorothy: This isn't gonna stop until one of us dies, is it?
Sophia: No. Which of the following characteristics could you live with? Body odor. Schizophrenia. Extra toes.
Dorothy: Ma, I couldn't live with any of those. Look, I am perfectly capable of attracting a man who is charming, good looking and interested in personal hygiene.
Sophia: Are you gonna take this seriously or not?

Mammy: There was a music box. I gave it to your family, and I just can't bear the thought of a stranger buying it. I'm afraid I'm in no position to bid for it myself, and I was hoping you could give it to me as a gift.
Blanche: Let me get this right. I don't hear from you for years and years, then out of the blue I get a phone call, and you come waltzing through that door and want me to give you a music box?
Rose: Oh, wait. It's Mamie!
Dorothy: Just under the buzzer, Rose.