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‘Vacation’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Vacation

208. Vacation

Aired November 29, 1986

Dorothy, Blanche and Rose endure a Carribean vacation from hell. Meanwhile, Sophia stays in Miami and charms the gardener.

Quote from Dorothy

Rick: So, how have you ladies been enjoying your vacation?
Dorothy: As a child during the Depression, I had to have my wisdom teeth extracted by a shoemaker. That was more fun than this.

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Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, get a hold of yourself.
Blanche: I don't want to get a hold of myself. They invite us to go out on a boat and then they sail us right out in the middle of a storm. And we end up shipwrecked on this godforsaken island.
Rick: So, we made a few mistakes. Nobody's perfect.
Dwayne: What's the big deal?
Blanche: "What's the big deal?" You almost killed us, you nitwits. I hate you. I curse the day I ever laid eyes on you. I curse the day your momma ever laid eyes on your daddy. I curse the day your daddy ever lay down with her.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Look, ladies, we've taken all the guff we're gonna take off of you.
Blanche: No, you're gonna take all the guff I got and you're gonna like it.
Rose: All right, everybody, now shut the hell up. I'm in charge here. From now on, everyone listens to me.
Rick: Why should we listen to you?
Rose: Because I happen to be the most decorated pioneer scout in the history of northern Minnesota. I can build a 100-foot rope bridge, start a fire with rocks, distill sea water into drinking water. Now, if you want to get out of this alive, I suggest you listen to me. Do I hear any objections? I didn't think so. Dorothy, Blanche, start breaking up the boat. We need wood for a fire. And, you three, head up north, up that ridge. Based on those rock formations, there's a good chance of finding a waterfall. If you don't find anything in an hour, head back to the coastline, follow it around and look for our fire. Now, move. I said move!

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Well, I hope one day you meet the woman of your dreams, but, in the mean time, who are you and what are you doing in our bathroom?
Dwayne: I'm Dwayne and that's Rick.
Winston Hardwick III: And I'm Winston Hardwick III.
Rose: Well, we're very glad to meet you, but what are you doing in our bathroom?
Winston Hardwick III: This is our room. I'm afraid the six of us are going to have to share this bathroom.
Blanche: I am not sharing a bathroom with three strange men. I don't care if it is my vacation.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Now, Ma, you sure you'll be all right while we're away?
Sophia: Dorothy, I'll be fine.
Dorothy: Listen, you behave yourself. Don't use the car. No parties. And I want you to stay out of the liquor cabinet while we're gone.
Sophia: Hey, who am I? Gidget? Get out of here.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Dorothy, do you have the airline tickets?
Dorothy: Yes, Rose.
Rose: And the passports?
Dorothy: Yes, Rose.
Rose: Did you remember to bring Pepto-Bismol?
Dorothy: Yes, Rose.
Rose: Dramamine?
Dorothy: Yes, Rose.
Rose: And chewing gum in case we have to pop our ears?
Dorothy: Yes, Rose.
Rose: Did you call a cab to take us to the airport?
Dorothy: No, Rose, I called two cabs. One for Blanche and me and one for you, 'cause you're making me crazy with all your questions.
Rose: I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little worried about travelling out of the country, you know with all the problems in the Middle East.
Dorothy: Rose, we're going to an island in the Caribbean. Our biggest worry is getting strap marks.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Come on, now. Blanche, you can't take all that luggage.
Blanche: But, Dorothy, I may run into a celebrity while I'm sunbathing on the beach. I only packed what I need to make me look my devastating.
Sophia: Then I hope you packed a tight butt.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Now, whose cab is this? Is this yours or mine?
Dorothy: Rose, there's only one cab.
Rose: Well, how am I going to get to the airport?
Dorothy: Run behind it!

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, please. If not, I'll spend my entire vacation worrying about you.
Sophia: Dorothy, I'll be fine. In fact, it'll be nice to have the house to myself. I can vacuum in the nude. Now, get out of here.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Girls, this room looks nothing like the pictures in the brochure.
Ramone: Oh, this room isn't good enough for you?
Dorothy: Well, not for $100 a night.
Ramone: Americans. You measure everything by the almighty dollar.
Rose: Well, we're trying to learn the metric system. It's not that easy.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Well this is dandy. Just dandy. I knew I should never have let you two talk me into coming to this godforsaken place.
Dorothy: Oh, come off it, Blanche. We all agreed that this was where we wanted to spend our vacation.
Rose: All I wanted was a tan on my thighs. Now I'll probably end up a prisoner of the revolution. They'll rip my blouse and make me cook for the officers. And spit food in my face and make fun of my recipes. And, eventually, I'll catch the eye of some fat general with big sweat stains under his arms. And he'll force me to let out his uniforms and satisfy his ugly needs.
Dorothy: It sounds like Christmas with my ex-husband.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I don't know what you two are complaining about. I'm the one who'll suffer most from this. With no air conditioning, I'll get all wilted and sweaty. No man will even talk to me. And even if one does, how am I going to get a date without a telephone?
Dorothy: The way you always do. Go sit in the bar without underwear.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Blanche, what is all that stuff?
Blanche: Just my natural beauty supplements. This is my apricot facial scrub and my honey skin toner and my coconut moisturizer.
Dorothy: If I put cracked ice and an umbrella on your head, you'd be a mai tai.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Girls, I've got our whole day planned tomorrow. After breakfast, we're going to go out on a glass-bottomed boat. And then at ten o'clock, we'll tour an old Spanish fort. And then at three o'clock, we're going to visit the wreck of the Santa Juanita. And then we'll finish off the day with a sunset hike to explore a dormant volcano. [Dorothy slaps Rose] All right, forget the volcano.
Dorothy: No. No, Rose, I just killed a mosquito on your cheek.

Quote from Rose

Rick: You've got no choice, lady. There just aren't enough johns.
Dorothy: This is ridiculous.
Rick: Yeah? You think we're happy having to gargle next to Grandma Moses and the Mosettes?
Rose: You... You... You rude person!
Dorothy: Go easy on him, Lola.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: The meal was disgusting. What do you girls want to do now?
Dorothy: Let's draw cards for the rest of the Pepto-Bismol.
Blanche: Oh, no, it's those nasty boys.
Winston Hardwick III: Ladies, I hate to disturb you, but my friends and I would like to buy you a drink.
Blanche: Why, thank you.
Dorothy: Blanche.
Blanche: Oh, I'm sorry. It was a reflex reaction. No, thank you and goodbye.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, beautiful Mother Earth. Land, land at last. Thank God!
Rose: How long were we out there?
Dorothy: At least two rosaries.
Winston Hardwick III: We're lucky to be alive.
Blanche: And you. You miserable low-down piece of Yankee slime.
Winston Hardwick III: Blanche, I sense some hostility towards me.
Blanche: How'd you like to sense a coconut upside your head?

Quote from Dorothy

Winston Hardwick III: You ladies should be grateful. It was our superior sailing skill that saved your lives.
Dorothy: Hanging onto the mast screaming, "Please, God, take the old ladies, but don't hurt us." That does not qualify as skill.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy, should we be listening to Rose?
Dorothy: Quiet. I don't think we're allowed to talk while we work.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: How long have they been gone?
Dorothy: Over four hours.
Blanche: You don't think anything happened to them?
Dorothy: No, they probably just stopped to rest.
Blanche: Yeah, or maybe they're looking for something to carry the water in.
Rose: Or maybe they were clawed to death by bloodthirsty animals. Unfortunately, water isn't all that can be around that rock formation.
Dorothy: You're kidding?
Rose: A pioneer scout always tells the truth. So I'm going to be even more honest. Our big worry is nobody knows we're missing so nobody's out looking for us. The odds are pretty decent that we're all gonna die.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Oh, Rose. Come on, now. You're just tired and thirsty.
Dorothy: Yeah, we're all tired and thirsty.
Blanche: Let's not wait for the boys to come back. Rose, why don't you whip us up a batch of fresh water you know how to make from sea water.
Rose: About the sea water...
Dorothy: You don't know how to do it?
Rose: Oh, no, I know how to do it.
Blanche: Thank goodness.
Rose: There's just one little problem. I need a ten-gallon copper pot, seven feet of aluminium tubing and a big roll of cheesecloth.
Blanche: Why didn't you say this while you were bossing us around, Miss Pioneer Dope?
Rose: Things were going so well and everybody was paying attention. I just kind of got caught up in the moment. But it's Ionely at the top. I don't want to be leader any more. I nominate Dorothy.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Dorothy, you're leader. What are you going to do?
Dorothy: My first official act is to banish you from my kingdom. Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know you meant well.
Rose: I'm not crying about the comment. I'm crying because we're dying and I still have so many things to tell you.
Blanche: Like what?
Rose: Like... once I read your diary.
Blanche: You what?
Rose: Well, it was an accident. You left it open on the kitchen table. I was 20 pages in before I realized it wasn't a Sidney Sheldon novel.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Rose Nylund, I want you out of my house this instant.
Dorothy: Blanche.
Blanche: Oh, well I'll never speak to you again as long as I live.
Dorothy: And since we have no water, that means about another 48 hours.
Blanche: Well, since we're gonna die anyway, I might as well be honest, too. Rose. I slept with your cross-eyed cousin Nolan when he visited us from Ohio. And he was lousy in bed.
Rose: I knew about that a long time ago. Nolan told me. He said you were the one that was lousy.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, since we're being honest, Dorothy, I have a question for you. You're supposed to be my best friend. Best friends should be able to confide in one another. So I want to know why I overheard you on the telephone telling Anita Ruebaker that I had my tubes tied?
Dorothy: I said you bought a tube top. When did you have your tubes tied?
Blanche: I didn't. But if I had, it would have been about the same time you had your nose done.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: You see? That's exactly why Rose didn't want to tell you. You are overly critical. I think that's the thing I like least about you.
Blanche: Oh, you know the thing I like least about you? You are loud and overbearing.
Rose: Well, you know what I like least about both of you? You're always telling me what to do.
Dorothy & Blanche: Oh, shut up, Rose.


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