Albert: Good evening, ladies. Welcome to Albert's Diner. I'm Albert and Merry Christmas.
Blanche: Thank you. I'd just like a cup of coffee, please.
Albert: Coffee. Sure. Coffee all around?
Rose: Actually, I'd like a mug of hot apple cider with a cinnamon stick.
Albert: Lady, does this look like Knott's Berry Farm?
Rose: Coffee'll be fine.
Albert: Coffee.

Albert: Ladies, look, I hate to see people just drink coffee. It's Christmas. Look, please have some cheesecake on me, alright?
Dorothy: Well that's very sweet of you.
Albert: My pleasure.
Blanche: Now I know I'm depressed. I don't even want this cheesecake.
Albert: Are you ladies having a bad Christmas?
Sophia: The worst.
Albert: I'm a little down myself. I mean, it's tough working on Christmas Eve. I wish I had more time to spend with my family.
Rose: We know exactly how you feel. We can't be with our families either.
Albert: You all are not related?
Dorothy: No.
Albert: Really? The way you were teasing and talking to each other, I thought you were family for sure. Isn't that something?

Blanche: Merry Christmas. Girls, you know what this cheesecake is missing?
Dorothy: Chocolate syrup.
Rose: I wonder if he has any.
Sophia: I'll go look in the back. Oh, my God. I don't believe it.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: Take a look.
Rose: That's snow.
Sophia: Yeah, it's kinda light and wimpy, but it is snow.
Blanche: A white Christmas in Miami? Can you beat that?
Rose: Oh, this calls for some Christmas music. [a Beach Boys song starts playing] I pushed the wrong button.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, don't worry about it. Somehow, this Christmas it fits.

Rose: Get your cap, get your beard and get moving.
Blanche: Rose, I had to stand in line for an hour to sit on his lap.
Rose: Tough holly. What would Mrs. Claus say?
Dorothy: Not to mention Mrs. Kletner.
Sophia: Who was that?
Blanche: He's a Santa Claus.
Sophia: You're kidding. I thought it was Fidel Castro.

Sophia: Rose, I hope you didn't have your heart set on a video recorder.
Sophia: You bought me a video recorder?
Dorothy: I bought you a video recorder.
Rose: Two video recorders? Boy, this is going to be the best Christmas ever.

Dorothy: I guess my very favorite Christmas ever was in New York. It was Christmas, 1932. You remember, Ma?
Sophia: Do I remember? No.

Rose: Mr. Thurber, I don't believe I quite understand your problem.
Mr. Thurber: Well, then I guess I don't have a problem.
Rose: Mr Thurber, this is a crisis center. I'm a trained counselor. Now, you don't have to be embarrassed about opening up to me. Whatever's bothering you, I know I can help you.
Mr. Thurber: OK. In the past week, I've lost my job, my wife, my girlfriend, my house, my car and all my money. And then just today I've seriously gotten into playing with matches.
Rose: I'm afraid you're going to have to have the professional services of Dr. Escobar. He'll be back from lunch soon. Why don't you have a seat.

Meyer: Going somewhere for Christmas?
Blanche: Why yes, I am. I'm going home to see my family.
Meyer: Gee, I wish I was going somewhere for Christmas. But my family disowned me. They're embarrassed because I'm an artist.
Blanche: What kind of artist?
Meyer: An unsuccessful one. I haven't sold a painting in a year. I haven't eaten in a week. Last night, I burned my brushes just to stay warm.
Mr. Thurber: Wow, that must have been beautiful.
Blanche: I just hate to see an artist suffer. Look here, $20. You have Christmas dinner on me. Go on.

Meyer: Thanks for the money, lady.
Rose: Blanche, did you give Mr. Meyer money?
Blanche: Yes, he's a starving artist.
Rose: This man is the owner of the most successful wide-size shoe store in the city. He's a pathological liar.
Meyer: I am not.
Rose: See?

Dorothy: Listen, sir, we don't want to give you any trouble here. You can have all our money.
Santa Claus: Oh, no. I'm not here to rob anybody. I'm Santa's helper for God's sake, give me a break.
Rose: Well, what's this all about?
Santa Claus: Well, I came here because I wanted to share an old-fashioned Christmas with other people.
Blanche: At gunpoint?
Santa Claus: Would you stay here and spend Christmas with me if I just asked you?
Blanche: ... No.