Trending ‘The Golden Girls’ Quotes
Blanche: I want to talk to you, Dorothy. Listen, I know this isn't easy for you, so I'm gonna let you in on a sorority secret that was passed on to me at Miss MacGyver's Finishing School. Now, whenever you feel you're about to lose control, just take my hand and give it a little squeeze. I guarantee you'll feel 100% better.
Dorothy: And that's the big secret?
Blanche: Oh, no! The big secret was that Miss MacGyver and Miss McKinney were sharing a one-bedroom apartment off campus.
Dorothy: Oh, will you..!
Blanche: Rose. Oh, Rose!
Rose: Blanche, what's wrong?
Blanche: I never finished reading this letter from Merrill till just now. Read that last paragraph.
Rose: "My sentence has been overturned on a technicality. I'm getting out on the 21st. Now, finally, we can make all our dreams come true."
Blanche: Isn't that terrible?
Rose: Well, he's written catchier stuff, but I wouldn't call it terrible.
Blanche: I'm not asking for a literary critique, you dweeb!
Dorothy: And I was feeling jealous and Ionely and... God knows what else.
Dorothy: Excuse me?
Blanche: Magenta. That's what I call it when I get that way. All kinds of feelings tumbling all over themselves. Well, you know, you're not quite blue because you're not really sad and although you're a little jealous, you wouldn't say you're green with envy, and every now and then you realize you're kinda scared but you'd hardly call yourself yellow. I hate that feeling. I just hate it. And I hate the color magenta. That's why I named it that. Magenta. No way to really explain it but, fortunately, between friends, you don't have to.
Blanche: You know, this is boring.
Rose: I know how we could make the time go faster. We could sing a work song, like they do on the railroad. Just follow my lead. [singing] Gonna stuff a chicken.
Blanche & Dorothy: Gonna stuff a chicken
Rose: Like my mama taught me
Blanche & Dorothy: Like my mama taught me
Rose: Gonna take the chicken, [high-pitched] down to Mississippi
Sophia: Rose. Rose, just stuff it.
Dorothy: Well, of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma? I was six years old, and I wanted a pony?
Sophia: Not the pony thing again.
Dorothy: She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus. The kind you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.
Rose: And that was your pet?
Sophia: They're very clean.
Dorothy: Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one, which I believed, because why would a mother lie? So every day, I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.
Rose: How does a paper bird die?
Dorothy: Good question. Someone used it to restart the pilot light.
Blanche: Dorothy, guess who's here?
Dorothy: My date.
Blanche: Your husband.
Dorothy: I don't have a husband. Call the police.
Stan: Your ex-husband.
Dorothy: I'll call the police.
Blanche: Oh, girls, look. Believe me. Nobody could be more upset about what happened last night than I am, but I was just trying to be hospitable, I swear. I sent the kids to the symphony to hear Henry Mancini's tribute to the Pink Panther. I didn't expect them to come back here and jump into bed. Besides, it's not the end of the world. These things do happen. Why, the same thing happened to me when I was in my early 20s. I was taking some classes at Miss McGyver's finishing school. And one night, Bobby Jo Springer had escorted me back to my dormitory after the annual Fine Manners ball, when an innocent good-night kiss developed into an evening of passion. But at 3am, the door flung open and there stood Miss McGyver, making one of those bed checks she was famous for. I tried to handle the whole thing like a lady. I waved politely over Bobby Jo's shoulder with my foot... but she was unmoved. Next day, she sat me down, gave me a stern lecture and kicked me out of school. Only, I didn't care. I knew what ecstasy was. All she could do was walk around with a dictionary on her head.
Sophia: You know, there's an old Italian saying for times like this: "Scappa, tu sei mal fortuna."
Rose: What does that mean?
Sophia: Get away from me, you're bad luck.
Rose: I waited till my wedding night.
Rose: And, it was a surprise.
Blanche: Well, how is that possible? Another man showed up?
Rose: What I mean is I had never seen a man before.
Blanche: A man?
Rose: You know, a man.
Dorothy: What about your father? You mean, you never saw your father?
Rose: My father? Oh, no! My father? Oh, my goodness, no! I would have simply died! Oh, you don't- Oh, my God!
Dorothy: Easy, easy, easy, Rose.
Blanche: Calm down, calm down.
Rose: The only things I ever saw were the animals on the farm. You know, the bulls and the horses.
Blanche: Tough act to follow.
Rose: Actually, that first night I was kind of, well appalled, I guess. But Charlie was very patient. It was really very nice, once I understood that that's what you were supposed to do. That it wasn't some colossal joke, you know? I mean, didn't you think it was a ridiculous thing to do the first time?
Sophia: "On their way, Henny Penny and Goosey Loosey came upon Turkey Lurkey." Yes, poor lonely Turkey Lurkey. Poor dateless, hopeless, self-basting-
Rose: Actually, I'm very tired. I dreamed all last night that I was a car muffler, and when I woke up this morning, I was exhausted.
Blanche: Girls, not one soul has asked me about my test.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, we forgot. How did it go?
Blanche: Well, I think I passed with flying colors. But best of all, I told off that nasty old professor.
Dorothy: Honey, congratulations. You're going to be a college graduate.
Rose: Oh, we're so proud of you.
Blanche: Well, thank you, but I couldn't have done it without you girls.
Rose: Oh, now you can get that promotion at the museum.
Blanche: Oh, no, didn't I tell you? That position was filled.
Dorothy: Oh, you're kidding.
Blanche: No, the museum director gave it to Sally Folgeson. The money I spent on tuition, she spent on a tummy tuck and a butt lift.
Rose: Blanche, I hope you're not discouraged.
Blanche: Oh, not one bit. My time will come. One day, her butt will turn to mush, but I'll always have my degree.
Rose: Gee, I love to bake. Back in St. Olaf, I always baked our birthday cakes. Charlie loved 'em. I remember the last cake I baked in St. Olaf. It was kinda different.
[flashback: In St. Olaf, Rose places a birthday cake she just prepared on the kitchen table, lights it and then leaves the room. She then returns.]
Rose: [talking to herself] Oh, my birthday! I completely forgot! Well, I'd better make a wish and blow out those candles before Mr. Hickenlooper has the volunteer fire brigade up here pumping water on my clean kitchen floor. I swear, that man will look for any excuse to make that siren sound through his nose. [light snort] Inga Lundqvist told me just this last week I know. Shut up, Rose, and blow out your candles. OK. A wish. I guess that was kind of a silly wish. I know you can't really be here with me, Charlie. It's taken me these past eight months to accept that, but I finally have. Then why our usual little private birthday celebration? It somehow feels less Ionely, Charlie. I mean, this is the first special day I've had to spend without you. If it had been Christmas, I'd probably have hung your stocking. Or if it had been your birthday, I probably would have still asked the clerk down at Tuttles to help me pick out a tie for you. Oh, I bet that would have gotten me some strange looks from the sales staff. Although they already look at me strangely. Because of the time I tried to special-order a double-breasted navy suit with a drop-seat in the pants for cousin Wendell. Anyway, that was part of the reason. The other part was I wanted to talk to you. I know. I didn't need a special occasion for that. It would be more of an occasion if I stopped talking. But I I figured since it was my birthday, you wouldn't be upset when you hear what I've got to tell you. I've decided to sell the house and leave St. Olaf, Charlie. The winters are rough here in Minnesota. And this place is too filled with memories to let me get on with my life. I need to start over without you, Charlie. And I think this is the best way. I know it'll be tough in a strange town all alone. But I've read some wonderful things about Miami. It won't be long before I meet nice people and make some new friends. I have a real good feeling about that. So I just wanted you to know what I decided. I hope to be in Florida before the next winter comes. But I know that wherever I am, you'll be right there with me. I love you, Charlie. I miss you. It's my birthday!
[Rose blows out the candles]
You know the rules. I get the rose.
Blanche: Listen. Tell me I can't do better than this in my sleep. "He grabbed her. She could feel his fingers pressing into her moist flesh. Her heart was pounding, her loins on fire. As he spun her around, her dress ripping open-" You know how many times I've experienced that?
Rose: Your loins have been on fire?
Blanche: Yes. "She melted"
Rose: Where exactly are your loins?
Blanche: Rose, it doesn't matter. Just listen. "She melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him."
Rose: I didn't know people had loins. I've heard of loin of pork, but-
Sophia: In her case, the same thing.
Patrick Vaughn: The moon is hanging awful low in the sky tonight, isn't it, Busty? Josie.
Blanche: It sure is, Biff.
Patrick Vaughn: It makes me want to kiss you, Jose.
Blanche: Oh, mind your manners, Biff. Why, we at the 4th of July picnic. The whole town is here.
Patrick Vaughn: To hell with this town. Come away with me.
Blanche: But you're a drifter, Biff. I can't just pull up stakes and run off with you.
Patrick Vaughn: Please reconsider, Josie. You're the prettiest girl in the county. I need to have your answer now. What's it gonna be?
Blanche: I want you to take me, Biff. [As they hug, Blanche's breasts begin to deflate] Oh. Oh.
Patrick Vaughn: Blanche, I am sorry. I'm afraid I popped your bosom.
Blanche: Don't you worry about a thing, Patrick. My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.
Rose: Well, what do you think?
Blanche: Of what, honey?
Rose: My new dress.
Blanche: Oh, is that new?
Blanche: It's sort of old-fashioned looking. I wasn't sure it was new.
Rose: Oh, that's the style. The girl told me.
Blanche: And what was she, a pilgrim?
Blanche: Oh, Sophia. Honey, I want to wish you all the happiness in the world.
Sophia: Oh, thank you, Blanche.
Rose: And Sophia, I want to offer you a traditional Scandinavian wedding blessing. Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen.
Sophia: I'm really touched. I'm also soaking wet.
Sophia: [dressed as a southern maid] Well, if it ain't the kinfolk!
Dorothy: Ma, where did you get that outfit?
Sophia: I bought it. Figured five Halloweens, it'll pay for itself. Hope you brought your appetite, young fella. I know you're gonna be pleased with the dinner. Corn pone, succotash, collard greens. And them's just the appetizers!
Rose: Sorry to interrupt, everybody, but I have an announcement to make.
Sophia: A mess o' something. I'll skeer us up a mess o' something.
Dorothy: Ma. Angela has something she'd like to say.
Blanche: So does Sophia.
Angela: Yeah, hello.
Sophia: Your hair got white.
Angela: So did yours.
Sophia: You still got that cat?
Angela: The same cat I had 30 years ago?
Sophia: Fine. You ask the questions.
Blanche: You are not gonna believe this. My sister Charmaine just called me.
Dorothy: I didn't think the two of you were speaking.
Blanche: Well, we're not.
Rose: Then how did you know it was her on the other end of the line?
Dorothy: Rose, you're bringing down the curve for the whole country.