Rose: Wait a minute. If you didn't sleep with any of the men in these journals, then how come it says "Bed" on the cover?
Blanche: [laughs] Oh, that doesn't say "Bed".
Rose: Right there, it does.
Blanche: Oh, silly, those are my initials. Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell "Bed"?

Blanche: And Daddy, this is Dorothy.
Dorothy: I'm sorry. I hope I didn't offend you.
Big Daddy: No harm done, darling. Now, I want you to promise me you won't fret none.
Dorothy: Well, I would, except I'm not exactly sure what "fret none" is.

Dorothy: Ma, you slept with him, didn't you? Come over here. Look me in the eye. Did you sleep with Tony Delveccio?
Sophia: A little.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Blanche made me do it.
Dorothy: What? Don't you have a mind of your own? If Gladys Goldfine told you to drink a whole bottle of Kaopectate, would you?
Sophia: Who blabbed?

Sophia: I said I wasn't scared of dying anymore. I didn't say I was ready to die. Look, Dorothy, you don't have to believe all of this, but stop trying to take it away from me. I'm going to bed. Good night, spumoni-face.
Dorothy: What did you call me?
Sophia: Spumoni-face.
Dorothy: Wow. I mean, I- I haven't heard that since I was seven years old. Oh, Ma, come on, this is crazy. I probably told you sometime and just forgot.
Sophia: He says he's proud of you, Dorothy.

Rose: Explain it to me again, Blanche.
Blanche: Rose, look, if there's $500,000 in the statue fund, why can't they just take $50,000 of it to save the town.
Rose: Because that's the statue money.
Blanche: Well, there won't be anywhere to put the statue if there's no town left.
Rose: Wow. A loophole!

Dorothy: And I was feeling jealous and Ionely and... God knows what else.
Blanche: Magenta.
Dorothy: Excuse me?
Blanche: Magenta. That's what I call it when I get that way. All kinds of feelings tumbling all over themselves. Well, you know, you're not quite blue because you're not really sad and although you're a little jealous, you wouldn't say you're green with envy, and every now and then you realize you're kinda scared but you'd hardly call yourself yellow. I hate that feeling. I just hate it. And I hate the color magenta. That's why I named it that. Magenta. No way to really explain it but, fortunately, between friends, you don't have to.

Dorothy: [answering phone] Hello. Oh, look. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt. I'm sure this is a very worthy cause, but to be perfectly frank, at this moment, I couldn't give a flying fig about whooping cranes. No, I have to keep the line free. Fine. I'll send you a check. Hold it, let me grab a pencil. OK. Whooping Cranes Box 1990, Newcastle, Louisiana, got it. Glad I could help. Bye-bye.

[flashback:]
Dorothy: I meant, Blanche, that I am sick. I can barely stand. You'll just have to go on without me.
Blanche: Go on without you? This is not a wagon train. This is a double date. It doesn't work that way. It's the both of us or nothing.
Dorothy: You'll just have to cancel your date, too.
Blanche: Cancel my date? With Larry? Dorothy, how long have you been inhaling this VapoRub?
Dorothy: Blanche.
Blanche: Dorothy, I have been waiting for Larry to ask me out ever since our eyes first met at Del's Route 1 Chevron. I climbed on the hood of his LeBaron and wrote my phone number on his windshield with the heel of my Pappagallo pump.
Dorothy: Isn't that how Mrs. Simpson met the Duke of Windsor?

Blanche: Rose, how can you be so cheery? It's a terrible thing.
Rose: Come on, she was 89, and she died in her sleep.
Blanche: She fell asleep driving the bookmobile.
Rose: It was a tragedy. She was my only real competition. Dead, dead, dead. Muffin?

Rose: I remember the best sex of my whole life.
Dorothy: Was it difficult to get out of the relationship afterwards?
Rose: No, not really. Poor Charlie died in the middle of it.
Blanche: Was that really the best sex you ever had with him?
Rose: Yeah. Oh, there was something wild about him that night. Although I did think it was strange when he started yelling, "Rose, I'm going! I'm going!"
Dorothy: Talk about your mixed emotions.

Rose: I know what it's like to trust somebody who's betrayed you. You're not gonna believe this, but I have a St.
Olaf story about this.
Dorothy: I believe you. I just hate you.
Rose: Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker, St. Olaf's tallest woman - of course, nobody ever made fun of her for that. Anyway, when Old Space Needle was in high school she drank some cherry herring and made love in the backseat of a Fjord Fjairlane. Local car. And she got in trouble, if you know what I mean, Dorothy. Knukendup und schvingle.
Sophia: She knows what you mean.
Rose: Anyway, her boyfriend, Yutz Hernsberg, St. Olaf's only bald high school student, had to marry her.
Blanche: But why would she marry a guy like that?
Dorothy: Because I was young. I- I'm sorry- I'm sorry, Rose. This is your story. Go- Go on. Go on.
Rose: Well, anyway, after 38 years of marriage and a painful divorce, he finally came back, having invented Hernsberg's Press-on Warts.
Dorothy: Who bought those?
Rose: Hags, mostly. Don't you see? He was successful and he wanted Gunilla back.
Dorothy: Well, what happened to her, Rose?
Rose: Skylab fell on her.
Dorothy: What is the point of this story?!
Rose: Be thankful for your health.

Dorothy: Well, since Blanche is having dinner with Jamie, we have a very important decision to make.
Rose: How about pizza?
Dorothy: Sounds great.
Rose: Should we go healthy and get whole-wheat crusts and low-fat cheese?
Dorothy: Why don't we go really high-fiber and spread ketchup on cardboard? Pizza, dammit! Get pizza.

Dorothy: Rose thinks her car's been stolen.
Sophia: No, it hasn't. It's parked right outside.
Dorothy: Ma's right.
Rose: Well, it wasn't there a minute ago, I swear it. How can it be gone one minute and back the next?
Dorothy: I think I know. Ma, why are you carrying that phone book?
Sophia: I can carry a book. It's a free country. Even the Statue of Liberty carries a book.
Dorothy: You were driving again.
Sophia: Who says?
Dorothy: This phone book is still warm. You were sitting on it so you could see over the steering wheel.

Blanche: Oh, Sophia. Honey, I want to wish you all the happiness in the world.
Sophia: Oh, thank you, Blanche.
Rose: And Sophia, I want to offer you a traditional Scandinavian wedding blessing. Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen.
potetaflingin faflafen.
Sophia: I'm really touched. I'm also soaking wet.

Rose: Uh, everyone? I was supposed to speak at a funeral this afternoon, and now I can't, but I'd still like to give my speech, if no one minds. I wrote some things down but I'd just rather talk. Uh, the funeral was for my Aunt Gretchen. I didn't know her very well. The only thing I remembered about her is she used to scare me. Jumping out of my closet at night, putting false fangs in her mouth, sometimes baying at the moon. Now her dying scares me. But there's a good part to being scared. You get to know who your friends are. They're the ones who help you not be scared. Maybe that's what Aunt Gretchen was trying to do all along. Help me not be scared. I think so. Goodbye, Aunt Gretchen.
Candy: Take a seat, lady. This isn't the Copacabana.