Trending ‘The Golden Girls’ Quotes
Woman #1: Did you say Claude Livaudais?
Woman #1: My great-grandfather told stories of Claude Livaudais. He once sold horseshoes to a Union soldier.
Woman #2: Yankee.
Louise: No, no, I can explain.
Woman #1: Fie.
Woman #2: Traitor.
Blanche: Oy vey.
Dorothy: And I was feeling jealous and Ionely and... God knows what else.
Dorothy: Excuse me?
Blanche: Magenta. That's what I call it when I get that way. All kinds of feelings tumbling all over themselves. Well, you know, you're not quite blue because you're not really sad and although you're a little jealous, you wouldn't say you're green with envy, and every now and then you realize you're kinda scared but you'd hardly call yourself yellow. I hate that feeling. I just hate it. And I hate the color magenta. That's why I named it that. Magenta. No way to really explain it but, fortunately, between friends, you don't have to.
Blanche: Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends, just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stake of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee...
Dorothy: On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta. Finish the damn story, Blanche!
Blanche: Anyway, it was at our Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbad me ever to see her again.
Blanche: Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh! How my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standing there while our servants snickered at her servants. But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand-new riding boots for Christmas. So I did.
Dorothy: Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?
Blanche: Oh, because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy. That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it, too. Along with a brand-new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically, they were trash.
Dorothy: Just listen. We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche. I want you to go out to the lanai and mingle with the other guests.
Sophia: Check. What's a lanai?
Dorothy: The porch!
Sophia: Excuse me, Krystle Carrington.
Patrick Vaughn: The moon is hanging awful low in the sky tonight, isn't it, Busty? Josie.
Blanche: It sure is, Biff.
Patrick Vaughn: It makes me want to kiss you, Jose.
Blanche: Oh, mind your manners, Biff. Why, we at the 4th of July picnic. The whole town is here.
Patrick Vaughn: To hell with this town. Come away with me.
Blanche: But you're a drifter, Biff. I can't just pull up stakes and run off with you.
Patrick Vaughn: Please reconsider, Josie. You're the prettiest girl in the county. I need to have your answer now. What's it gonna be?
Blanche: I want you to take me, Biff. [As they hug, Blanche's breasts begin to deflate] Oh. Oh.
Patrick Vaughn: Blanche, I am sorry. I'm afraid I popped your bosom.
Blanche: Don't you worry about a thing, Patrick. My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.
Dorothy: Rose, how about a piece of Bundt cake?
Rose: Oh, no, thanks.
Blanche: I'll try some, Dorothy.
Sophia: "Try some." Right, like it's some big experiment, like you got no idea what it tastes like. Like you don't shovel it in by the pound every chance you get.
Blanche: Conning Dorothy is a thought, but I don't know if I have it in me to do all the persuading, all the convincing, and- Oh, my God, is that Dorothy? Or Miss Lana Turner emerging from her morning toilette?
Dorothy: It's Lana with a message from Dorothy. Whatever the favor is, forget it.
Sophia: You know, there's an old Italian saying for times like this: "Scapa, tu si mal fortuna."
Rose: What does that mean?
Sophia: Get away from me, you're bad luck.
Rose: Well, girls, love has no definition, no boundaries. Age has nothing to do with it. Sometimes two people who seem to have the least in common turn out to be the most in love. That was certainly the case with OIlie Stettlenmeier and Molly-Jane Doe.
Blanche: OIlie and Molly? Must we take yet another trip to Petticoat Junction?
Rose: OIlie was the mayor and our town's most respected citizen. He was also Artistic Director at the St. Olaf Community Playhouse. A lot of people don't know this, but the family drama "Hey, That's My Tractor", got its start right there.
Dorothy: Wasn't the musical version called "Hey, Hey, That's My Tractor"?
Rose: Anyway, during the auditions, the first woman who walked through that door was Molly-Jane Doe, the town manicurist. For five extra dollars, she'd buff more than your nails.
Blanche: Five dollars?
Dorothy: It was during the Depression.
Sophia: Hey, in Italy, for five dollars you got a woman, a manicure, a cappuccino and a box of cookies for your wife. A fact. Use it as you wish.
Rose: Anyway, it was love at first sight. And nobody in town could believe that this man, who had lived for 52 years with his mother, would fall head over heels in love with the town squeeze. But he did. And the next day they were married and they went on to live happily together for 25 years.
Blanche: And what in hell does any of this have to do with my father?
Rose: Well, the point is nobody knows why two people fall in love, and it's really nobody's business.
Rose: My life will be ruined if this ever gets home to St. Olaf.
Dorothy: What'll they do, Rose? Revoke your ice fishing license? Take back your helmet with the horns? I mean, I'm the injured party. Obviously, I am destined to never see Frank Sinatra face to face.
Rose: They're called longenhodden.
Dorothy: What is called longenhodden?
Rose: The helmet with the horns.
Dorothy: What about the Spanish? Why did you pretend to only know Spanish?
Pepe: It's part of the image. Cuban boxers are supposed to know their right from their left, not much else.
Dorothy: And you think that we are that narrow-minded and prejudiced that we actually felt that way?
Pepe: You bought into it, didn't you? Hey, I didn't invent Kid Pepe. I just conformed to your image of a simple-minded Hispanic fighter. Well, I am a Cuban. But hath not a Cuban eyes? Hath not a Cuban hands? Organs? Dimensions? Senses? Affections? Passions? Fed with the same food? Hurt with the same weapons? Subject to the same diseases? Healed by the same means? Warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as you are? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? I also considered auditioning for the Actors Studio.
Sophia: Why does every fighter become an actor? Just once, I'd like it the other way around, if for no other reason than to see Chevy Chase get his butt kicked.
Patrick Vaughn: And you are?
Sophia: Linda Ronstadt. I'm doing The Pirates Of Penzance across town.
Blanche: This is horrible. As Big Daddy used to say, "I'm feeling lower than the rent on a burnin' building."
Rose: That's funny. I used to live in a burning building. And it was cheap. It was Charlie's and my first house. Well, scoff if you must, but it was warm and toasty. I'll never forget Charlie throwing me over his shoulder and dashing across the threshold. Oh, it was a beautiful place. Three bedrooms, two baths. Then two bedrooms and one bath. Eventually, we outgrew the place.
Dorothy: Everybody. Everybody, can I have your attention, please? Uh, I know I've been a bit scarce tonight, but there is a reason. Something tragic happened this morning. [sobbing] Oh, Ma, I need your help.
Sophia: Sure, sweetheart. Trudy's dead!
Dorothy: Please, everybody. Everybody. It happened this morning when we were playing tennis. Trudy's heart just couldn't take it. I- I- I'm so sorry that I dragged her out on the court and made her run back and forth so hard. I wish it had been me instead of her, because it's all my fault. We might as well take down that banner and put up one that says, "Welcome to the Dorothy Killed Trudy Party"!
Rose: [doorbell] Oh, darn. Someone's late. Dorothy'll have to give her speech all over again.
Blanche: I know you're down in the dumps, but I'm so glad you came. I really want us to make a difference today.
Dorothy: Blanche, I am impressed. You have really changed your tune.
Blanche: It's funny how that happened. There I was, staying up last night, coming up with excuses to get out of this. And then it occurred to me. I said, "Water Lily,"- That's what I call myself sometimes.
Blanche: "Water Lily, you've never done anything like this in your life. Now, this is important. For the love of mother earth and the love of mother nature, commit yourself to this, Blanche Devereaux!" Isn't that exciting?
Dorothy: Caught a rerun of Flipper on cable, did you?
Blanche: A particularly touching one. Where Flipper comes to the rescue. It was only after that I picked up Rose's pamphlets and read about these magnificent creatures.
Dorothy: Oh, that's beautiful. Water Lily?
Sophia: All right, it's late, I'm tired, so listen up.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, you gonna tell us a story?
Sophia: No. I'm going to do shadow puppets. See? An elephant eating a peanut. Happy? Of course I'm gonna tell a story. Picture it: Morocco, the '30s.
Rose: The 1930s?
Sophia: No, 30 degrees. Do I look like Willard Scott? Of course the 1930s. Three close friends are haggling over a Camel.
Rose: How many humps?
Sophia: None! I'm talkin' about a cigarette. It was the last one. Well, anyway...
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, what does this have to do with the diary
Sophia: Suddenly I'm on Nightline. I was just tryin' to tell a story here.
Dorothy: You feeling better, Magic?
Stan: Dorothy, Dorothy, I I know this sounds insane. But I thought that a little physical activity would help me snap this setback. I was wrong, you were right. I should just rest. Could you help me get back into bed?
Dorothy: Stanley, how could you fake a relapse? I mean, do I deserve this? Stan, I took care of you because I thought you needed me. I defended you to my friends. I mean, why did you do this?
Stan: I'm scared, Dorothy. I'm scared of being alone. This whole experience has made me feel so vulnerable.
So mortal. Being here with you makes me feel secure. Sure, it's great having somebody cook your meals, clean your room, do your laundry, entertain you. In fact, it's terrific. But that's not why I wanted to stay. It's just a bonus. I wanted to stay because I'm happiest with the people I love.
Dorothy: Stanley. Stanley, you know, in all the years we've been together I don't think you've ever opened up to me this way... and poured out such crap.
Stan: Didn't buy any of it, huh?
Dorothy: Not true. I believe you're scared. You've just discovered something most of us have known for years: That life doesn't always turn out exactly the way you like it. I found that out when you divorced me. I was scared and alone. But I survived. And now you will too. Because you have to.
Stan: Does this mean you're throwing me out?
Dorothy: I'm not throwing you out, Stanley, I'm pushing you out of the nest. Now, you can't run over here every time you have a problem. I'm not your mother. I'm not even your wife anymore. Now, Stanley, it's time that you grew up. Happy birthday, Peter Pan.
Rose: And the winner of tonight's Volunteer Vanguard Award is Rose Nylund. The crowd goes wild! Oh, thank you. Thank you. What a surprise. I'm absolutely speechless. Except for the one I've prepared. Laughter from the crowd. First of all, I would like to thank all the little people who have made tonight possible. Thank you, little people. Smile for the photographers. Wave to the fans.
Dorothy: What's that smell?
Sophia: I don't smell anything.
Dorothy: Are you wearing something?
Sophia: A little Ben Gay on my knees. A little Vicks on my chest. A little Deep Heat on my neck.
Dorothy: What are you trying to do, pickle yourself so you'll live to be 100?
Sophia: Fine, I'll wipe it off. Tomorrow, I'll be in a wheelchair.
Rose: You know, you can learn a lot about a man just by the way he holds you in his arms. Whether he's kind, sensitive, caring...
Blanche: He dipped you, didn't he?
Rose: All evening.
Blanche: Oh, Lord. So long since I've been dipped. I can't even remember which end of a gefloefen is up.