Sophia: You've been tossing and turning all night. What's bothering you?
Dorothy: Nothing, nothing.
Sophia: Don't you break a commandment in this room.
Dorothy: What commandment? Thou shalt not toss and turn?
Sophia: No, thou shalt not lie.
Dorothy: That's not a commandment.
Sophia: Really? That doesn't make any sense. There's, "thou shalt not commit adultery," and "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." Two out of ten refer to hitting the sheets, and they couldn't fit in lying? Does anybody think before they write this stuff down?
Dorothy: Ma, you're not making any sense. I can't talk to you when you're half asleep.
Sophia: Excuse me, it's only 4 a.m. Why don't you get a rubber hose and whack me around until I'm razor-sharp?

Dorothy: Ma, I have a problem. I'm worried about tomorrow. I don't know whether or not I should go on that mission.
Sophia: Dorothy, for 50 years you've come to me with all your problems. Who should I take to the prom? Where should I go to college? Do you think I should I marry Stan? These were things I could help you with. "Should I go on this mission?" is out of my area of expertise. Who do you think I am, Oliver North?

Rose: They keep talking about that noodle-head in the red dress. Could that be code language?
Dorothy: Only to the noodle-head in the red dress.

Al Mullins: Ma'am, you really shouldn't open the door without asking who it is.
Sophia: Fine. [closes door] Who is it?
Al Mullins: Detective Mullins, Miami PD.

Dorothy: Please, come in. You'll have to excuse my mother. She's a little upset. She just found out she has the same hairdresser as Whoopi Goldberg.

Al Mullins: I'd like to ask you about your neighbors, the McDowells.
Bobby: They're not who you think they are.
Rose: You mean we invited the wrong people to dinner?
Al Mullins: In a manner of speaking. You see, your next-door neighbors are dealers in stolen gems.
Blanche: Those sweet people?
Al Mullins: I'm afraid so. And we have reason to believe they'll be making a major move sometime in the next 72 hours, so we'd like to set up shop here for a few days.
Blanche: Well, of course. You can both stay in my room.
Dorothy: Now, wait just a minute.
Blanche: All right, you can have the boy.

Dorothy: They can't just move in here. Let them do their work from a van, like real police on TV.
Al Mullins: Look, we'd like your cooperation on this, but you have every right to say no.
Dorothy: No.

Blanche: Dorothy, he's only trying to do his job. It can't be very pleasant for him either.
Al Mullins: Actually, as far as stakeouts go, it's pretty nice here.
Blanche: I thought you couldn't hear with those things on.
Al Mullins: I do that for Sophia. She seems to get a big kick out of calling me names, so I let her do it.
Dorothy: She's really a very sweet lady. She just doesn't like to show it.
Al Mullins: Is that a family trait?

Al Mullins: I'll get some fresh air.
Rose: Won't the neighbors see you?
Al Mullins: Just a gentleman friend paying a visit. But it would look better if one of you were out there with me. Come on, Dotty.
Dorothy: What do you mean "come on"? If you want me to do you a favor, you ask me.
Al Mullins: Alright, I'm asking. You don't have to bite my head off!
Dorothy: You're a real charmer, you know that?
Al Mullins: And who are you? Lady Di? Come on.
Dorothy: Oh, do me a favor and join the bomb squad. [to Rose and Blanche] Oh, God, I am crazy nuts about this guy!

Martha: Hi, Rose.
Rose: [squeaks]
Martha: It's Martha McDowell, your new neighbor.
Rose: [squeaks]
Martha: I was here for dinner a few days ago, and yesterday you followed me around the supermarket.
Rose: [squeaks]