Al Mullins: Look, I'm sorry to take up your time at this hour, ladies, but I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Blanche: Well, of course. I am single, I'm free on Saturday night, and I can arch my back until my head touches my heels.
Bobby: If you don't mind, Al, I'd like to write that one down.

Blanche: Ladies, I think we must do this. Now, it's our duty as American citizens.
Dorothy: I don't know. Two policemen living in our house?
Blanche: Well, what's there to be afraid of, Dorothy? Once you strip away the gruff exterior, the badge, the gun and the uniform...
Dorothy: You've got a naked policeman.
Blanche: Exactly.

Rose: Blanche, now this is serious. If we can assist the police, I think we should. Their job is hard enough as it is. I should know. My father was a policeman.
Dorothy: I thought your father was a farmer.
Rose: On the weekdays. Saturday and Sunday, he and the other farmers became volunteer policemen. Of course, the only crime in St. Olaf was that more people didn't practice better oral hygiene. So most of the time they just sat around the jailhouse and took pictures of each other behind the bars in goofy poses.

Sophia: Al? Al!
Al Mullins: Yeah?
Sophia: How do you like the pasta?
Al Mullins: Eh, it's OK. I'm not really that crazy about Italian food.
Sophia: Lucky for you you carry a gun.
Al Mullins: Excuse me?
Sophia: I said the last three days with you have really been fun.

Blanche: Hi, Sophia. Hi, Al. You hear anything on the wiretap yet?
Sophia: Save your breath. He can't hear a word with those things on his ears.
Blanche: Really?
Sophia: Yeah. I've been entertaining myself all afternoon. Watch. Hey, you dumb Bacciagaloop, your face looks like the rear end of a donkey. This kills me. You try it.

Dorothy: Oh, I don't believe this. Hey, Dick Tracy.
Al Mullins: What's your problem now?
Dorothy: I thought I asked you to move this equipment someplace else where it would not be in the way.
Al Mullins: I said I'd try. I tried.
Dorothy: Would you also try to remember to put down the toilet seat after you use it?
Sophia: Sorry, that was me. I was experimenting with something new but it didn't work out.

Rose: You won't believe what happened to me at the store. I saw the McDowells. Luckily, they didn't see me, so I followed them all through the store and I wrote down everything they bought.
Al Mullins: Why?
Rose: For evidence, silly!
Dorothy: Rose, they steal jewels, not Geno's pizza rolls.

Al Mullins: Oh, hello.
Martha McDowell: Hello. I don't think we've met. I'm Martha McDowell from next door.
Sophia: Hi, Martha. I see you've met my son Alfonso and my grandson Bobby. They're here from New York on a fishing trip. Thus far all they've caught is a cold. [laughs]
Bobby: [sneezes]
Sophia: Nice touch, but I work alone.

Blanche: We're not getting zip on the phone. They're too smart. If we want to get an arrest warrant, we got plant a bug.
Rose: I'll do it. I'll be the plant.
Sophia: You are a plant.

Dorothy: Well, if anybody's going to do it, it should be me.
Al Mullins: Why you?
Dorothy: Because I am the best under pressure.
Sophia: And she bears a striking resemblance to Barnaby Jones.