Dorothy: Oh, the Pope is saying a mass on his stopover here. Ma got two tickets. We're going together. Oh, a papal mass is something people wait a lifetime for.
Sophia: Whoops.
Dorothy: "Whoops"? Is that Pope-related, or just another bark in the kennel?
Sophia: The Pope. I traded our two bad tickets way in the back for one good ticket way up front.
Dorothy: Well, Ma, what about me?
Sophia: Uh, I thought about that. This is the plan. We'll get one of those really long overcoats, I'll stand on your shoulders, and...
Dorothy: And what? Blend in with the circus folk?

Dorothy: Ma, Blanche is telling a story.
Sophia: Oh, sorry. Go on.
Blanche: I was 19.
Sophia: Fine. He might have a blessing that gets men.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: What? I thought she was finished.
Dorothy: She just said she was 19.
Sophia: Well, look at her now. You don't call that a tragedy?

Dorothy: My God, Ma! This looks real!
Sophia: It is real. You think he'd wear his fakes in public like Zsa Zsa?
Dorothy: But, Ma, how did this happen?
Sophia: Picture it. The papal mass. A few hours ago. I want to cop a blessing for Agnes, so I sneak into the crippled and lame section.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, how could you?
Sophia: With a pronounced limp. The Pope finally arrives, I bend down to kiss his ring. Just then, security comes and whisks him away. He leaves the ring behind as a memento.
Dorothy: Ma, you stole the Pope's ring?
Sophia: It slipped off. You know, for God's representative on Earth, he sure has sweaty palms.

Sophia: Dorothy, I need to get close to the Pope so I can ask him to come and bless my friend Agnes in the hospital.
Blanche: Oh, well, now, isn't that sweet? But, honey, with all those people, there's no way you're ever going to get the Pope to notice you.
Sophia: [taking out a foam finger] Oh, he'll notice me.

Dorothy: Wait a minute. None of this proves that Miles is even thinking of cheating on Rose.
Blanche: You're absolutely right, Dorothy. And that is why I have hired a detective to follow Miles and find out for sure! Happy birthday, honey!
Dorothy: A detective? You're giving the gift of suspicion?
Blanche: That's right. He's gonna follow Miles everywhere he goes for the next two weeks. Oh, and if you really love any of the pictures, you can get 'em in wallet size.

Blanche: Good mornin'.
Dorothy: Oh, how was your date last night?
Blanche: Oh, it's too soon to tell. I'll let you know when I send him home.

Blanche: Is this for Rose's birthday?
Dorothy: Oh, now, look, don't you start with me. Every Christmas, every birthday, any time we have to give a gift to the same person, you always find something wrong with mine so yours looks better.
Blanche: I didn't say anything. But let's face it, those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. Look at the ducky wrappin' paper. And the little stick-on bow. Did you get her a Ziggy card?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Oh, my. Not Snoopy?
Dorothy: [hiding a card] I didn't get her a card.

Rose: Oh, Dorothy! Oh, a second-hand sweatshirt with my name misspelled on it. Oh, you're right, Dorothy, I love it!
Dorothy: Rose, that is the original Mickey Mouse Club sweatshirt that Roy wore! I got it at an auction.
Rose: Oh, my God. I loved Roy. Oh, there was something about him. Woof! Oh, Dorothy, I just can't imagine a better birthday present.
Dorothy: Neither can I. Blanche?

Blanche: Rose, before I give you mine, I just want to ask you one question. It may seem a little odd, but it has a lot to do with your gift. Has Miles started wearing bikini underwear lately?
Dorothy: Blanche, please, the Pope is in town.
Blanche: I'm serious.
Rose: Actually, Miles did buy some bikinis. But just the bottoms.
Blanche: I have been watching Miles for a while, and I think he's going through a crisis. He is showing all the signs. Trying to act trendy, trying to be young. And if he's also wearing bikinis-
Rose: Just the bottoms.
Blanche: Mmm-hmm. Well, Rose, I'm afraid he may start playin' around on you.

Rose: Blanche, I'm not sure. Miles has never given me the slightest reason to distrust him.
Blanche: Rose, he was in the Witness Protection Program. He lied about his job, his past, his name. Everything!
Rose: Well, it is already paid for.