Rose: I don't drink before bedtime. I stop all liquids at noon and I still wake up.
Sophia: I never have that problem. Never. I sleep like a log. I never get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning like clockwork, at 7 am I pee. Unfortunately, I don't wake up till 8.

Dorothy: Tell me, how is Blanche?
Rose: She didn't go to work again today. It's been three weeks and she just sits in her room. The museum's gonna fire her.
Dorothy: Well, we've tried everything: golf, the movies, theater tickets. She wouldn't even budge for Julio Iglesias.
Rose: I know grief. It takes time.
Dorothy: Please, Rose. Listen, if you're Irish, you have a wake. You eat, you cry, you drink, you vomit, and you're done. If you're Jewish, you cry, you sit, you eat for seven days, you put on ten pounds, and it's over. We Italians scream, dress up a donkey, hire a band, and that's that. It's these southern Protestants who make it a way of life.

Blanche: Everybody, this is Harry. Harry, this is Rose.
Harry: Rose.
Blanche: And Dorothy.
Harry: Dorothy.
Dorothy: Hi, Harry.
Blanche: And this is Sophia.
Harry: Well, you must be Blanche's sister.
Sophia: You must be blind.

Blanche: Sophia's home just burned down.
Harry: Oh, that's terrible!
Sophia: Not to me. It was a retirement home, and you know what they did? They set off the fire alarm in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs. But they got bells going off like crazy. You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty.

[Dorothy holds a hand-mirror under Sophia's mouth]
Rose: What are you doing? She's sleeping.
Dorothy: Just checking. You never know.

Dorothy: You know, I had the shock of my life today. I was in the teacher's lounge, talking to a group of girls in their twenties. Oh, they were so pretty. At that age, you don't even have to be pretty and you're pretty. Anyway, we were laughing and giggling and having a great time and I completely forgot that I was older. You know, I just felt like one of the girls. And we had a wonderful time. And then I got into my car and caught a glimpse of myself, and I almost had a heart attack. This old woman was in the mirror. I didn't even recognize her.
Rose: Who was it?
Dorothy: It was me.

Blanche: I just need some cucumbers to put on my eyes.
Dorothy: You'll have trouble seeing, Blanche.
Blanche: It's very good. It reduces puffiness.
Rose: Does it work on thighs?
Blanche: I don't know, honey. I don't need it on my thighs.

Rose: Maybe that's why he left, because you forced him into it.
Dorothy: Rose, he left me 38 years later. For a stewardess that he met on a business trip to Hawaii. It was her first flight. They said, "On arrival, give the passengers a lei." She got confused... He got lucky, and they now live on Maui. It's really wonderful. A 65-year-old man with gout learning to windsurf. I hope he trips on his thongs and falls into a volcano.

Sophia: Oh, it's you.
Rose: Oh, Sophia, did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard noise. I thought it was robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any jewels.
Sophia: Thank God, because I can't find them.
Coco: Tea, Sophia?
Sophia: How about a shot of gin with a beer back?

Dorothy: Ma, Ma, the cab driver said you promised him a $67 tip!
Sophia: Don't be silly. I said a six, seven dollar tip. Why don't these people learn English if they're gonna live here? This is Miami. I'd have less trouble getting around Ecuador.