Rose: It was back in 1955 and we had just moved into our first house, right next door to Pigpen Johannsen. That wasn't his real name. That was a nickname.
Blanche: Pigpen?
Rose: No, Johannsen. Anyway, Pigpen had just turned 80 and the town bylaws made him leave his job teaching drivers training at the high school.
Dorothy: Well, at 80 it was about time.
Rose: Oh, it had nothing to do with his age. There was an old law on the books about driving with your shirt off.
Blanche: I once got arrested for that in Chattanooga, too.
Dorothy: Blanche, let me ask you a question. Are you allowed to go back to Chattanooga?
Blanche: Are you kidding? The sheriff still writes.

Dorothy: She was talking about relining shelves.
Rose: Well, that could be fun too, if we divide into teams and grease our hands.
Blanche: I got arrested for that once at a party in Chattanooga.

Claire: Sophia.
Sophia: Nah, César Chàvez. I got hungry.
Claire: They giving you a hard time, too?
Sophia: Nah, I just can't pick out a decent nectarine. This way they do it for me.
Claire: Why don't you just ask for help?
Sophia: Help? You know who helps old broads like us? Boy scouts in cartoons. We gotta look after ourselves. They giving you any trouble?
Claire: I can't get a refund on this lamb chop. It looked fine in the case, but when I got it home the bottom was all fat.
Sophia: Come with me.
Claire: Sophia, I don't wanna make trouble.
Sophia: When's the last time you saw me make trouble?
Claire: Aisle three.

Store Manager: Excuse me, ladies. Is there a problem here?
Sophia: Only if you consider a class-action suit and a boycott by OREP a problem.
Clerk: I thought it was NOPRL.
Sophia: This is too big for NOPRL. This is all the way up to OREP.
Store Manager: OREP?
Sophia: Organization of Retired and Elderly People. Sophia Petrillo, Executive Director and leader of the '87 march on Neiman Marcus.
Store Manager: Mrs. Petrillo, isn't there some way we can resolve this matter?
Sophia: I'm afraid not. The wheels of justice are already in motion. Of course, a full refund could put those wheels in reverse.
Store Manager: How much?
Sophia: A buck, 17.
Store Manager: You got it. Here. Keep the change.
Sophia: Thank you. We'll be in touch.

Sophia: Oh, listen. Uh, how much for the nectarine?
Store Manager: Take it. It's on the house.
Sophia: Uh, we can't do that. It's against the bylaws.
Store Manager: All right, you can pay me. That's 45 cents.
Sophia: 45 cents for one lousy nectarine? What's inside, a pit or a pearl? This is a 25-cent nectarine.
Store Manager: Fine.
Sophia: Sold. Claire, don't stand there like a bump on a pickle. Give the man a quarter.

Blanche: So when the waiter brought my order he set down a bowl of gazpacho in front of me. I said, "I ordered consommé." He said, "A hot number like you needs something spicy." I said, "I'll give you somethin' spicy," and I poured the gazpacho right down his pants.
Dorothy: So you never went out with him.
Blanche: No. I just slept with him. He wasn't my type.

Rose: Oh, my goodness. Blanche, how could you?
Dorothy: Come on, Rose. She's just teasing you.
Blanche: That's right, honey, I'm just teasing. You always tease the one you love. Actually, tease and tickle. Actually, tease, tickle and spank.

Dorothy: Look, could we get back to lining the shelves?
Blanche: I don't feel like it anymore.
Rose: What do you wanna do instead?
Blanche: I know. Let's rent an adult video, drink mimosas and French-kiss the pillows.

Sophia: All right, all right. Take five. Even the seagulls stopped listening.
Esther: The rain kept our fans away.
Sophia: Baloney! Every week we've been collecting what, The last two weeks we're lucky if we break ten, and you know why? We're losing our edge. The excitement is gone. We're not driven like we used to be. Haven't we learned anything from the tragic examples of Mike Douglas and Ferdinand Marcos?

Esther: Sophia, would you like to come to my art class today?
Sophia: You talk Murray Schimowitz into posing naked yet?
Esther: We got him down to his truss.
Sophia: I've seen his truss. It's impressive. The first time he showed it off I thought he had a turkey platter in his pants. Besides, today's my day at the hospital.
Wanda: You're not feeling good?
Sophia: Please! I haven't felt good since Hugh Downs left the Today show. But that's got nothin' to do with it.