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‘The Custody Battle’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Custody Battle

112. The Custody Battle

Aired December 7, 1985

When Gloria, Dorothy's sister, comes to town, she invites Sophia to go live with her in California.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Oh, Gloria, Sophia's told us so much about you. I especially enjoyed the story about your imaginary childhood friend, David, who lived in the oven. I had an imaginary friend, but he'd never tell me his name. It was during spring planting-
Sophia: Rose! Do you mind? Gloria's only staying for a week. I'd like to talk to her before she leaves.

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Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, I know for a fact my parents liked my sisters better than they did me.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, that's silly! How could you know a thing like that?
Blanche: They told me!
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, I can't believe that your parents told you that! I don't care if they are from the south.
Blanche: Well, they didn't tell me in words. They told me in actions. Like on our birthdays. Now, when we were little, every year, my sisters had huge parties with clowns and magicians and tons of presents.
Dorothy: And you didn't.
Blanche: Well, not exactly. I mean, I did have parties and I had presents but I never had a clown. Not until I was much older.
Dorothy: Much older.
Blanche: Yeah. But that's another story.

Quote from Rose

Rose: My parents always made each of us feel like we were the favorite. They loved all nine of us equally. We used to have the best Christmas Eves. Daddy'd sit at Grandma's old player piano and he'd play Christmas carols and the children would sing along, then Mother'd bring in some homemade eggnog and snickerdoodles. And then we'd decorate the tree. And after Daddy'd hung the star at the very top of the tree, we'd all join hands and pray, and then Daddy'd tell us a story and tuck us into our feather beds-
Dorothy: Who was your father? Michael Landon?
Rose: Can I help it if I came from a happy family? Well, we had our share of problems. Believe me, we had some hard times. Once a mysterious drifter stole our butter churn.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: All right, Dorothy. I'm ready. Now tell me your bad news.
Dorothy: My mother is leaving. She's going to move in with my sister, Gloria.
Blanche: Oh, you're kidding.
Rose: Sophia can't leave! She just can't!
Dorothy: She's a grown woman. She can do anything she wants.
Blanche: Why's she leaving? Isn't she happy here?
Dorothy: I guess she thinks she'll be happier with Gloria.
Rose: Well, what about us? Who's going to keep after us and make us linguine and tell us stories about Sicily?
Dorothy: I don't know, Rose. Maybe Mary Poppins has an Italian cousin.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, could I please borrow your diamond ring and your pearl necklace and your jade bracelet?
Dorothy: Are you planning to come back?
Blanche: Some time tomorrow morning.
Dorothy: Where are you going?
Blanche: Oh, out to dinner with Jason, the director of our community theater. He's considering me for the role of Lady Macbeth in Mr. William Shakespeare's masterpiece Macbeth. I feel sure after our date, he'll make a decision in my favor.
Dorothy: Come on now, Blanche, you're not just using this guy to get a part in a play.
Blanche: 'Course not, Dorothy. I'm gonna let him use me to get a part in a play.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Blanche, I've never been out with a fat lighting director. What'll we talk about?
Blanche: How should I know, honey? Talk about light bulbs.
Rose: That's a good idea. Maybe he could explain to me how the three-way bulb works. I've always wondered about that.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Come on, honey. We don't want to keep our dates waiting.
Dorothy: Wait, Blanche, honey, aren't you forgetting something?
Blanche: Oh, no, I never wear underwear.
Dorothy: I mean my jewelry.
Blanche: Oh, forget it. Why paint the peacock?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, I think I'll watch TV in my room.
Sophia: Before you go, before you go, call this number.
Dorothy: What is it?
Sophia: A phone number. I met him at the supermarket. He asked me to squeeze a melon for him. He's missing a few fingers, but everything else seemed to be intact.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I can't understand why the community theater chose Macbeth for its spring production.
Blanche: Jason said that they were planning to do a musical but the accordion player died. Besides, it's a much bigger challenge playing Lady Macbeth!
Rose: But Blanche, you don't have the part yet. You still have to audition.
Blanche: Oh, honey, I did. Last night. I opened to great reviews.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Morning, everyone.
Sophia: Clear out, girls, Dorothy needs her space.
Dorothy: Ma, don't start with me.
Rose: Now come on, you two, let's put on our happy faces. It's a beautiful day and Gloria's coming! Why don't you just kiss and make up?
Sophia: Why don't you just blow it out your ditty bag.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: What is this? You gift-wrapped your luggage?
Gloria: Of course not, Ma. My luggage is at the hotel. Those are gifts.
Sophia: You're staying at a hotel?
Gloria: I didn't want to inconvenience anyone.
Sophia: What inconvenience? You're my daughter. We shared a body for nine months.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Oh, Dorothy. Can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?
Dorothy: Sure, what is it?
Sophia: Don't expect a miracle.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Hi! How was the audition?
Blanche: Wonderful! I'm 99% sure I got the part!
Rose: There were so many good people there.
Blanche: Trust me, I got this part in the sack!
Rose: She means in the bag.
Dorothy: No, honey, she means in the sack.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Rose: Blanche, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Blanche: Goodness! I'd better sit down. Dorothy just said she had bad news.
Rose: Oh. Well, since you got here first, you go ahead and tell her first.
Dorothy: No, you go ahead.
Rose: No, really.
Dorothy: I insist.
Rose: You got here first.
Blanche: Girls, please! Will one of you just say something so I can become hysterical, eat a box of Mallomars and get it over with?

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Jason called. You got a part in Macbeth, but I'm afraid it isn't the part you were hoping for.
Blanche: What part did I get?
Rose: Witch number three.
Blanche: A witch? He cast me as a witch? Well, who got Lady Macbeth? Don't tell me! Probably one of those little theater groupies with a mattress strapped to her back.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: It's me.
Blanche: [fake laugh] Oh, you're pulling my leg! He picked you over me?
Dorothy: Listen, I hate having to-
Blanche: Hold on, Dorothy. This is a joke, isn't it? He didn't really pick you over me.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, I didn't even want the part, but Jason said I have presence.
Dorothy: Listen, I really have to go to work-
Blanche: He actually picked you over me? I do not believe this! I have been had.
Dorothy: I know. And you still didn't get the part.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Oh, Gloria. I just made a very important decision I think you should know about.
Gloria: What is it, Ma?
Sophia: I decided to stay here in Miami. I had to, she begged. It was pathetic!
Gloria: It's OK, Ma. I understand.
Sophia: You're a good daughter, Gloria. You're both good daughters. Most people my age have children trying to get rid of them. My children are fighting over who gets to keep me. You don't know how much that means to an old lady.
Dorothy: Honey, you don't know how much you mean to us.
Sophia: And I love you. I love all my children.
Gloria: Even Phil?
Sophia: Sure, but don't tell him. He'll want to borrow money.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, girls.
Blanche: Oh, hi. How was dinner?
Dorothy: Great. I ate a lot, Ma drank a lot, Gloria paid a lot.
Rose: Oh, I'm so glad the three of you got things worked out, and that Sophia's not leaving.
Blanche: Oh, me too. That spunky little lady sure does add life to this place!
Sophia: Oh, and the stories she tells. And there's always a little gem of wisdom hidden deep, deep, deep inside.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Listen, when I thought I was moving, I was gonna give each one of you a gift, but I want you to have them anyway.
Blanche: Why, Sophia, how sweet!
Rose: Oh, honey, you shouldn't have!
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, this is so lovely. And so familiar. This is mine. I thought the cleaner lost it.
Sophia: I told you the cleaner lost it.
Dorothy: I took it. I needed something to go with my black sweater.
Rose: This is my black sweater.
Sophia: I know, it goes great with...
Blanche: My pearls.
Sophia: Well, enjoy and be healthy!
Rose: I wonder if she's seen my umbrella with the duck handle.
Blanche: You know, I haven't been able to find my ankle bracelet.
Dorothy: Come on, I think it's time to search her room again.


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