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‘The Artist’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Artist

313. The Artist

Aired December 19, 1987

Blanche, Rose and Dorothy compete for the attention of an artist who's making a nude sculpture. Meanwhile, Sophia takes a shine to practical jokes.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any clothes on.
Sophia: Tell me about it. I just walked ten blocks. I got a belly button full of tweed.
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell happened?
Sophia: In the middle of bingo, Murray Hazeltine sits down. He's the big practical joker at the center. Believe me, Howie Mandel is funnier. Anyway, he tells me to sniff his carnation for good luck. I take one whiff, and bingo.
Dorothy: He squirted your dress with ink.
Sophia: Actually, it was Del Monte prune juice. It's free at the center. It's a come-on. They make their real money on the powdered toilet seat rentals.
Dorothy: So what happened to your clothes?
Sophia: Murray took them to have them cleaned. Dorothy, I still can't believe it happened. I've never been so humiliated.
Dorothy: Ma, honey, there's no reason for you to be embarrassed. He plays tricks on everybody.
Sophia: I'm talking about on my way home. My belt came loose in front of a construction site. Nobody whistled, and two guys went home sick.

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Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, why don't you sit right over here and read your magazine, okay?
Sophia: Oh. Okay. [sits down without a sound] Don't try to outsmart me, Dorothy. I got the mind of a fox and the butt muscles of Baryshnikov.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Sophia, what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house?
Sophia: You tell me, Rose.
Dorothy: Ma!
Rose: Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?

Quote from Rose

Rose: Oh, we really enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.
Laszlo: I didn't think anyone was paying attention.
Rose: Oh, we sure were. Especially Dorothy. She even talked about taking up sculpting.
Laszlo: Really, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, no, I didn't.
Rose: Yes, you did. You said you'd like to help him mold his clay or buff his marble anytime.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, I'm glad you're home. I was just upstairs poking around the attic and look what I found. Your grandmother's antique kaleidoscope. Here. Take a look.
Dorothy: Ma, you must really think I'm stupid.
Sophia: What, we don't have an attic?
Dorothy: I am not falling for this. It's another one of your practical jokes. If I look through that, I'll get charcoal around my eye.
Sophia: All right, Dorothy. Fine. Why don't we just call a truce with a nice piece of peanut brittle?
Dorothy: Come on, Ma. The peanut brittle is an even older gag than the kaleidoscope. I'll open the can, snakes will come out. Honey, face it, I am too smart for you. I am not falling for more of your practical jokes.
[As Dorothy sits down, an expulsion of air is heard]
Dorothy: Except for this whoopee cushion.
[Sophia opens the can of peanut brittle and enjoys a bite]

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, I am so mad.
Rose: Blanche, I can explain.
Blanche: Explain what? It's got nothing to do with you. It's Laszlo. I just saw some of the sketches he's been doing of me, Rose. He never lets me see them. So today I looked through his things and found some. They're horrible. My hair's all big and frizzy. The body's all droopy and saggy. The woman in those sketches is a dog.
Rose: Blanche.
Blanche: She's a clown.
Rose: Blanche.
Blanche: She's just a hideous, wrinkled, old bag.
Rose: Blanche, the woman in those sketches is me.
Blanche: I know she sounds like you, honey, but she's not.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: She's been posing for Laszlo, too.
Rose: He asked me to.
Blanche: I sure don't know why. He can go to Sea World to see a naked whale.
Rose: Or to your bathtub.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: You, too?
Dorothy: He asked me last Thursday.
Blanche: Well, I am stunned.
Rose: I'm relieved.
Blanche: Relieved?
Rose: Well, sure. The woman you saw in those horrible drawings must have been Dorothy.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: You went for the same reason Rose went: To get your hands on my man.
Dorothy: What exactly makes you think he's your man?
Sophia: Who?
Blanche: Maybe that I found him first.
Sophia: Who?
Dorothy: He dumped you for me.
Sophia: Who?
Dorothy: Laszlo, Ma.
Sophia: Who's Laszlo?
Rose: A Hungarian artist we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia: In the future, a simple "none of your business, Sophia" will suffice.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, let's face it, girls. We have no idea which one of us Laszlo wants to use.
Blanche: Well, I think it's obvious, Dorothy. The man is an artist. He has taste. He cannot help but pick the woman with the most grace, style, femininity...
[As Blanche sits down on the kitchen chair, an expulsion of air is heard]

Quote from Blanche

Laszlo: I wanted to say that I would rather not decide at all.
Blanche: Oh, but, Laszlo, you've got to. It's the only way. Otherwise, it'll just end up coming between the three of us. So now tell us, which one of us is it gonna be? Dorothy here, or Rose, or a woman whose breasts you once described as "perfect champagne glass-sized orbs of dancing loveliness"?
Laszlo: Blanche, I did not say that.
Blanche: Well, you agreed when I said it.

Quote from Dorothy

Laszlo: Ladies, let me explain. I know I should have made my choice long ago, but the truth is you each inspired me so well. I wish I could continue seeing you all, but I understand why that is unacceptable. Therefore, my choice will have to be...
Blanche: Laszlo, before you make your choice, let me say what a privilege it has been to work with a man I consider to be the greatest Hungarian sculptor of our time.
Dorothy: And just let me say that if Blanche can name two other Hungarian sculptors of any time, I shall eat that statue.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, Laszlo, just one more thing. You know that famous Picasso painting, "Nude Woman Playing the Violin"?
Laszlo: Well, of course.
Blanche: Well, originally it was called "Blanche Playing the Violin." Only it wasn't a violin. You think about that the next time you're standing around with your chisel in your hand.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Oh, my God, Dorothy. There it is. The statue.
Dorothy: Oh, this is so exciting.
Blanche: I just can't wait to hear that crowd gasp when they lift up the sheet and see me there.
Dorothy: I'd think you'd be used to that by now, Blanche.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Hey, Dorothy, can you believe it? Ten grand for this piece of junk. [drops the piece to the ground]
Dorothy: Oh! Oh, Ma!
Sophia: [laughing] You fell for it. This stuff kills me.
Security Guard: Excuse me, ma'am. You'll have to come with me. You just smashed a priceless Lichtenfein.
Sophia: Oh, no. I must have mixed the two up.
Dorothy: Oh, ma, ma. When are you gonna learn that you have to stop with these ridiculous practical jokes?
Sophia: I can't believe it. She fell for it again. You ought to have "yutz" tattooed on your forehead. Here you go.
You were brilliant, Harry.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Thank you, Laszlo. One more thing, Laszlo. I'd like to ask you a question. By any chance, is there anybody here tonight in whom you might be interested romantically?
Laszlo: Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
Victor: Oh, Laszlo. Looks like we're a hit.
Laszlo: I'm sorry. I thought you knew.
Sophia: How can you blame him? The man looked at the three of you naked for a month.


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