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‘Stan's Return’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Stan's Return

111. Stan's Return

Aired November 30, 1985

Dorothy considers getting back with Stan after he reveals that his younger wife has left him.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Stan's here.
Dorothy: Oh.
Blanche: What is he doing here?
Dorothy: He needs my signature on some papers so I told him he could stop by. Where is he?
Sophia: I left him on the doorstep. I wanted the neighbors to see what a baciagaloop you married.

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Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia: Because he knocked you up.
Dorothy: Why did I ever let that happen?
Sophia: 'Cause he got you drunk.
Dorothy: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia: Beats the hell out of me.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: [sobbing] She left me.
Dorothy: What?
Stan: Chrissy left me for a younger man.
Dorothy: Younger than Chrissy? Where did she meet him, Camp Snoopy?

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: I didn't want to say anything. What the hell, you deserve to gloat a little.
Dorothy: I deserve to gloat a lot! But I can't. I know what the pain is like and I wouldn't wish it on... I don't know how to finish that sentence, I usually say Stan.

Quote from Rose

Rose: That was exactly the problem I had with Eddie Parker. He was this real sweet guy who was crazy about me, but I just didn't feel the same way about him. You see, when Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO club. And that's where I first met Eddie, the Aqua Midget.
Blanche: He was a blue midget?
Rose: Don't be ridiculous. He was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a step ladder into this gigantic punch bowl.
Dorothy: So, um, what happened?
Rose: Nothing, he'd just swim to the side and hop out.
Dorothy: I mean, what happened between you and Eddie?
Rose: We talked a lot between shows and of course I didn't realize it, but he was falling for me.
Blanche: Didn't have far to fall.
Rose: It started with little things.
Blanche: I'll bet.
Rose: Pretty soon the situation got out of control and I tried to let him down gently.
Blanche: You tried to make it short and sweet?
Rose: He just wouldn't take no for an answer. So I finally just had to tell him straight out that I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size. It was simply that I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.
Dorothy: Thank you, Rose. I don't know what to say. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Didn't you like the flowers?
Dorothy: They're beautiful. They're absolutely beautiful, but it's too much!
Stan: I know! I can't believe how expensive roses got since the last time I sent them to you.
Dorothy: Yeah, well, everything's gotten more expensive since Truman left office.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: What do you think?
Rose: I can't decide.
Blanche: Oh, honey, trust me, Martinique is perfect. It has everything and all the men speak French.
Rose: What do the women speak?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Honey, everybody speaks French.
Rose: Well, then we can't go there. I don't know any French.
Blanche: Honey, don't worry. All you need to know are two phrases: yes, and no, your roommate can't watch.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: She just found out about our vacation.
Blanche: We thought you were gonna tell her, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Well, I was waiting for the right moment. You know, like right after we landed in New York.
Blanche: New York? I want to go to an island.
Dorothy: New York is an island.
Blanche: No, I mean some place where swarthy men who don't speak English rub oil all over your body.
Dorothy: Great, then we can go for a ride on the subway.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Where is this vacation spot that doesn't allow mothers?
Dorothy: Look, Ma, please. We'll discuss this after Stan leaves.
Sophia: What's to discuss? You're leaving me behind to guard the house like an old watchdog. I hope a neighbor comes by to give me fresh water.

Quote from Sophia

Stan: Chrissy's back in Maui. I just came to sell a piece of property that Dorothy and I bought when we were in Miami on our honeymoon. Just sign on the last page.
Sophia: Read it first. The last time he had you sign something, I ended up in a home.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: You sure all you want is coffee? The corned beef here is really primo.
Dorothy: No. I didn't even want the coffee. You were the one who said it'd be rude if I didn't join you. Besides, I thought the little woman had you eating things like sprouts and roots and those green things that grow under boats.
Stan: Let's not talk about Chrissy.
Dorothy: Oh, come on. We've had a bitter divorce that time has softened into a hostile relationship. I mean, face it, our topics of conversation are limited.
Stan: Come on. We just sold a piece of property that we bought on our honeymoon. Don't you feel a little sentimental?
Dorothy: No.
Stan: Come on, what do you say we take a drive and take one last look at it?
Dorothy: Oh, two hours in a car with my ex-husband, looking at a piece of swampland that I don't even own anymore... Oh, Stan, you really know how to show a girl a good time.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: When did it happen?
Stan: Ah, a couple of months ago. She told me she thought we were no longer sexually compatible. Well, she didn't say it exactly in those words.
Dorothy: Of course not. Those words have more than one syllable.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Are you sure you don't want to go take a ride and look at our swamp?
Dorothy: Oh, why not? I mean, the day's shot anyway.
Stan: Great. And after, I can take you to dinner. How about that seafood place near the Fontainebleau where we were on our honeymoon?
Dorothy: Sure, why not?
Stan: If memory serves me correctly, the last time, we excused ourselves before the main course and rushed back to the hotel.
Dorothy: Mmm. If memory serves me, we rushed back to the hotel because you had the runs from that cheap lunch you bought us.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: I don't care what Dorothy says, I'm not spending my vacation in New York.
Rose: It might be interesting. I've never been to New York.
Sophia: You haven't, Rose? I'm shocked, you're so cosmopolitan!
Blanche: Well, take it from me, you're not missing a thing. The people are rude, the streets are full of criminals, everything's overpriced. I don't know why Frank Sinatra sings about it. New Yorkers are all sickos.
Rose: We could go to Hollywood.
Sophia: Sure, good choice. No sickos there!

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Sophia, please. We're trying to make a very difficult decision here.
Sophia: Oh, excuse me! Not only am I not allowed to go, I'm not allowed to talk about it! This is the same deal Cinderella had with her stepsisters!

Quote from Rose

Rose: I've always wanted to go to Hollywood. When I was a young girl, I used to dream about becoming a movie star. Mr. Mason, who owned the corner drugstore, said I was a young Barbara Billingsley. So when I turned 17, I told my father that I wanted to take acting lessons.
Blanche: What did he say?
Rose: No.
Blanche: Great story, Rose.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: OK, I know what it looks like. And frankly, that's exactly what it is.
Sophia: You had to bring him home? You couldn't find a drunken sailor on a street corner?
Rose: We're a little surprised, that's all.
Dorothy: You're not alone. I mean, it was the last thing in the world I expected. I met him, we went to sign the papers, we had lunch, he told me his wife left him.
Blanche: And you believed him? That is the oldest line in the book. I hear that at least twice a week!
Sophia: And it works every time.
Blanche: I said it was old. I didn't say it doesn't work.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: No, believe me, Chrissy left him. He was devastated. Next thing I knew, I was holding him, he was crying, we were in bed. It was just as it always had been.
Rose: Well, I'm shocked.
Dorothy: I was too. You know, Chrissy didn't teach him a thing.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Dorothy, we're gonna talk to the travel agent about Hollywood. Do you want to come with us?
Dorothy: No, look, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to spend my vacation sitting in a tour bus, looking at houses that may or may not belong to Lucille Ball.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Stan called, he's stopping by.
Blanche: What's he going to do? Bring you some more flowers?
Rose: You know what I don't understand? I don't understand why he sent you flowers at all. I mean, two days ago you hated each other. And you know what else I don't understand? I don't understand how two people who go off to a business meeting end up in bed together. And you know what else I don't understand? I don't understand why you didn't tell him this morning exactly how you felt.
Dorothy: Is that is, Rose? I mean, are you finished, or is there something else that you don't understand?
Rose: Well, actually, there is. I don't understand how a thermos keeps things both hot and cold.
Dorothy: Neither do I. But I'll tell you, if ever I sleep with Mr. Wizard, I'll find out what I can.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Come on in, girls. See, what did I tell you?
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: I was having a meeting with my vacation club. It seems there are a lot of children who like to take vacations without their mothers.
Dorothy: Yeah, but... What are you all doing here?
Sophia: They never heard of a woman going to bed with her ex-husband. That's him, girls. I can't explain it either.


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