Stan: I can't believe it. I am going to be a grandfather. Think about it. Part of me is going to be passed on to that child.
Dorothy: I'm sure we'll learn to love it anyway.

Kate: We had no problems, Mom. That's why this was all such a shock.
Stan: Not even in bed?
Dorothy: Oh, Stanley.
Stan: Hey, I'm just trying to help. The fact is, the reason most men cheat on their wives is because what they have under the sheets at home is less than satisfying.
Dorothy: Oh, really, Mr. 30 Seconds?

Sophia: How are you feeling, kitten?
Kate: Fine, Grandma.
Sophia: You're full of it, but that's okay. A brave front is the first step back. I think Bertrand Russell said that. Or was it Nipsey Russell? I get them confused, they're both so witty.

Rose: You know, I'm still a little confused. Now, who exactly is Ricky?
Blanche: Lucy's husband.
Rose: I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.
Blanche: Not on the show.
Rose: Desi wasn't on the show?
Blanche: Desi played Ricky.
Rose: Who did Lucy play?
Blanche: Lucy.
Rose: I know. But who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy.
Rose: Right. But who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy played Lucy.
Rose: Well, then, why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche: He wasn't tall enough.

Dorothy: I have never seen Kate so upset and I am a wreck myself. I feel like this has whole thing has happened to me. Like I am the one who had my guts wrenched out and my heart stomped on.
[Blanche and Rose laugh at the TV]
Dorothy: Thank you for all your support.
Rose: Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy. It's just that Lucy doesn't know that that's really Fred dressed up as a burglar.
Dorothy: I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was more important.
[Blanche and Rose laugh at the TV again]
Dorothy: Rose, Blanche, this is the part where my good friends are supposed to shut off the TV and run after me. So either shut off the TV or I'm going to hurl it through the window. Thank you. I'm touched.

Dorothy: Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he that was having an affair. It was at least 24 hours before I cut the crotches out of all of his slacks.
Blanche: You didn't.
Dorothy: Well, I was teaching English Lit at the time. Symbolism was my life.

Dennis: Where is Kate?
Blanche: She's not here.
Dennis: She said she was coming here.
Blanche: She left.
Dennis: Where did she go?
Blanche: To meet with Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan and Marlo Thomas. They're going to drink white wine spritzers and try to figure out how to fry your wandering male behind.

Kate: Dennis explained everything.
Dorothy: Explained? Explained what? How he did it? I explained that to you when you were 12.

Sophia: Alright. What did you and Kate have a fight about?
Dorothy: About advertising condoms on TV. About Dennis. I mean, I can't believe that she would go back to him. I told her it was a big mistake.
Sophia: Who's asking you what you think? It's none of your business.
Dorothy: Kate came to me.
Sophia: She came to you to listen. Not tell her how to run her life. You should have stayed out of it.
Dorothy: I don't know what to do.
Sophia: Alright, alright. Sit. Listen. Learn. Picture this. Brooklyn, July, 1949.
Dorothy: Ma, can't you put a sentence together? You sound like a sportscaster.

Dorothy: Please, Dennis. I just want you to listen. Yesterday, Kate came to me, crying. She was more hurt than I had ever seen her before.
Dennis: Look, Dorothy-
Dorothy: Please. Please. I want you to understand what that does to a parent. Seeing your child hurt is worse than any pain you can possibly feel yourself. When they're little, you protect them from the bullies on the playground, and then later you suffer with them through acne and puppy love.
Stan: Then the first date. Then the first time alone in a car. Finally, they meet someone who will love them and take care of them and they don't need you anymore. You're not too thrilled about that, but you get used to it.
Dorothy: And then something happens and you find out there's still bullies on the playground. And all the old instincts come back. And that's what happened to me yesterday. I know you and Kate have made up, but I still have the same feelings. Do you understand?
Dennis: Yes, I do. I did a very stupid thing and it can't be undone. But I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to Kate. I love her. And I promise you that nothing like this will happen again.
Dorothy: Good. Good. [holding Dennis's hand] Because if it does, I will break every bone in your hand. You'll spend the rest of your life selling newspapers out of a wagon.
Stan: Keep it zipped, buddy. She's not kidding.