Blanche: Sophia, did Vincenzo really say all that?
Sophia: Of course not. He's a carpenter. I'm a philosopher. He said he wants everyone out of the garage until the work is completed.
Dorothy: But why?
Sophia: Because to an old guy with cataracts, you two look like Swedish stewardesses. Old age can play a lot of cruel jokes.

Blanche: I love champagne.
Dorothy: Me, too. The only problem is, after a few glasses, I'll kiss any man in sight. [loud splash]
Man: Man overboard!
Blanche: That was just a coincidence, Dorothy.

Vincenzo: [Italian]
Sophia: Drill a toggle bolt, anchor with a 5/16th bit, and miter-cut the quarter-inch plywood after you attach the studs.
Blanche: The only thing I recognized in there was "studs."

Sophia: Before we begin-
Vincenzo: [Italian]
Sophia: Let's make one thing clear-
Vincenzo: [Italian]
Sophia: I am in charge.
Vincenzo: [Italian]
Sophia: I am the boss.
Vincenzo: [Italian]
Sophia: I am the master.
Vincenzo: [Italian]
Sophia: I am the walrus.
Dorothy: Ma, either your Italian is rusty, or he's the world's oldest hippie.

Blanche: I don't believe it.
Dorothy: This is terrible.
Rose: Well, I'll admit, it's a little drab, but with some plants and nice...
Dorothy: It's a garage, you twit! Ma, how did this happen?
Sophia: [Italian]
Vincenzo: [Italian]
Sophia: [Italian] It was a slight misunderstanding. You see, in Sicily, every region has its own dialect. Actually, every town has its own dialect. Actually, every household has its own dialect. This also explains why the Italian army is as effective as a Jamaican bobsled team.

Dorothy: Well, I know what I'd say if a man asked me to sail around the world.
Sophia: Please. You can't get anybody to ask you out for coffee. Sail around the world. That'll be the day. Like there's a line waiting around the block. We'll have to install one of those ticket machines like they have at the bakery. Around the world, yeah!
Dorothy: I get the picture, Ma!

Dorothy: If we don't start seeing results, you are out of here.
Ernie: Do you know it's hard to find a good contractor?
Dorothy: Yes, and you're living proof.
Blanche: Ernie, she didn't mean that. She just got up on the wrong side of a cold, lonely, empty bed.
Ernie: Good-looking lady like her sleeps alone? I'm shocked.
Sophia: You're letting a man with taste like that remodel our garage?

Rose: Pour some champagne. We're celebrating Al's retirement.
Dorothy: So you finally went through with it?
Al: Yep. I finally called it quits at the deli. Sold it all. Lox, stock and barrel. Get it? "Lox."
Rose: He made up that joke yesterday, but it's just as funny now as it was then.
Dorothy: Some jokes are timeless.

Dorothy: Ernie. Listen to me, and listen good. If you walk out that door now, you can forget about coming back. I sound like I'm on Ryan's Hope.

Dorothy: [on the phone] I'm sorry, but that's more than we're willing to spend for a guest room. Yes, I do know the expression, "You get what you pay for." I also know the expression, "There's a sucker born every minute." Oh, yes, I- I do know that expression, too. [hangs up]