TV Quotes

Dorothy: What do you need the money for?
Sophia: They're having a special at Shoppers Warehouse. It's something I really need.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: Tube socks.
Dorothy: Ma, you know, this is how Imelda Marcos got started with that shoe thing.

Rose: I knew it would be rough looking for a job, but not this rough.
Blanche: You didn't find anything?
Rose: Oh, I found one job I wanted. I would have been perfect for it, but they told me I was too old.
Dorothy: What kind of job?
Rose: Assistant manager in a pet store. I don't know why they didn't hire me. I worked in a pet store in St. Olaf for ten years. I mean, I was the one who thought up big, squeaky toys for cows.
Dorothy: You didn't tell them that, did you, Rose?

Rose: What's with the sardines?
Dorothy: Ma, how are we going to get rid of all of this?
Sophia: Don't worry. Tomorrow, we're getting five cases of pickled onions.

Blanche: I always assumed I'd be kept by a younger man.
Dorothy: It's not too late. They get younger every day.

Enrique Mas: Terry, are there any applicants for the new production assistant's job coming in this afternoon?
Terry: They'll be here at two.
Rose: Hi.
Terry: How do you do, madam? I am [rolls tongue] Enrique Mas.
Terry: Mrs. Nylund is here on an age-discrimination complaint.
Enrique Mas: I can assure you, I will try very hard to help you.
Rose: Could I ask you something? I heard you mention you're gonna be hiring a new production assistant. Could I apply for that job? I'm a big fan of yours and I respect your work. I know I'd be terrific.
Enrique Mas: Oh, I'm sorry. But I'm afraid you're just not the right type. The job requires someone with great energy and drive and quite frankly, someone of your advanced age-

Rose: Wait a minute. I'm here on an age-discrimination case and you're telling me I'm too old?
Enrique Mas: Oh, it is not me. It is [rolls tongue] Enrique Mas.
Rose: I'm confused.
Enrique Mas: Please, let me explain. You see, there are two mes. There is Enrique Mas, the dedicated consumer advocate, fighting for justice and equality. And then there is [rolls tongue] Enrique Mas, the television personality who wants to get out of this local station and onto the networks so he can become a really big fish in a big pond. It is [rolls tongue] Enrique who has [rolls tongue] reservations.

Rose: I can't believe it. You're a fake.
Enrique Mas: I am not a fake. Mrs. Nylund, ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to be on TV. Do you know what that's like for a Hispanic kid? Who were my role models? Zorro and Ricky Ricardo. A gay caballero and a man who couldn't recognize his own wife in a fake mustache. I swore that if I ever got on TV, I would maintain the highest standards. Enrique Mas demands the best.
Rose: Well, hold it right there! You can't write me off just because I'm not 30-something. I have experience. And wisdom. And insight. I'd be perfect for this job. You see, I am the battered consumer. I drive a Gremlin, for God's sake.

Enrique Mas: One of the most important parts of this job is product testing. I will give you a test to do at home.
You will bring in the results, and I will see how you do. But I must warn you, both Enrique Mas and [rolls tongue] Enrique Mas demand that the results be accurate in every detail.
Rose: Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Mas.
Enrique Mas: You can call me [rolls tongue] Enrique.
Rose: No, I don't think I can.

Rose: Your choice, Blanche. Razor or cream remover?
Blanche: Cheesecake. This reminds me of the first time I ever shaved my legs. It was at a slumber party when I was 11 years old. What's a slumber party without snacks?
Sophia: Instead of cheesecake, let's have oatmeal cookies.
Blanche: Why?
Sophia: Because we have so many of them.
Dorothy: Ma, you didn't.
Sophia: I did.

Blanche: When did you start, Sophia?
Sophia: Oh, late. Not till I came to this country. In my village, hairy legs were a sign of beauty.
Rose: How do you account for that?
Sophia: Dumb men, hairy women.