Previous Episode Next Episode 
Rites of Spring

‘Rites of Spring’

Season 4, Episode 23 -  Aired April 29, 1989

When the girls want to lose weight ahead of an upcoming beach party, they reminisce about times they've tried to improve their image before.

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Dorothy: All right, Stanley. We'll listen to what you have to say.
Stan: Beautiful. How about we all go someplace and get comfortable, get some coffee, have something to eat?
Blanche: I'll go change.
Stan: Why? We're only going into the kitchen. Boy, I hope you have some cheesecake.
Dorothy: Stan, that's it. I've had it with your freeloading. Get out.
Stan: Dorothy, you have so much hostility, so much aggression, so much mistrust. This problem goes deeper than I thought. I'm gonna need a steak with that cheesecake.
Dorothy: Get out!

Rate

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Stan: Hi, babe. It's me, Stan. Wait, let me rephrase that. It's me, the new Stan.
Dorothy: What are you talking about?
Stan: Don't you notice a difference? Can't you see the glow? Can't you see the light radiating off me?
Sophia: Sure. It's the porch light glaring off your head.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Stan: I just finished a seminar with an encounter group called Realizations.
Dorothy: Realizations. Let me guess. It's a group that promises to remove all emotional blocks, self-denial and lifelong hang-ups in two days.
Stan: Miss Know-It-All, for your information it takes three days.
Blanche: So what did it do for you?
Stan: I've learned a hell of a lot about what makes Stanley run. Why I'm so reluctant to make commitments, why I can't keep friends, why all my business ventures seem to fail. I finally have an answer.
Sophia: Because you're a schmuck?

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Rose: Stan, I think we've heard enough.
Stan: Look, I've gone through a life-changing experience. I feel like I'm free to love anybody.
Dorothy: Oh, please. You said the same thing after you had your vasectomy.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Blanche: Dorothy, how sweet. Oh, that just gives me a warm, tingly feeling all over. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go slip under the covers and enjoy it. [exits]
Rose: OK, Dorothy, she's gone. You can tell me the truth. You were talking about me, weren't you? That's OK. It'll be our own little secret.
Dorothy: That, and the dent in Blanche's car.
Rose: Got you. [exits]
Sophia: You are such a liar.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: Neither of them is your best friend. Admit it. I'm your best friend.
Dorothy: You're right. I was talking about you, Ma. You are my best friend. Just like I'm your best friend.
Sophia: Best friend? Please. You aren't even my favorite child. When you were 13, there were neighbor children I liked better. Best friend. How about picking up a tab once in a while, pal of mine? Or letting me open my own social security check? Best friend! Yeah, right.

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Sophia: Oh, really, Ramdas? If it's all so easy, let's hear you answer this question. "Describe your best friend."
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, that's a really good question.
Rose: Oh, yes, and I'd love to hear the answer.
Dorothy: Well, my best friend is a woman, someone I have a great deal in common with.
Blanche: Is she pretty?
Dorothy: Yes, she's attractive.
Rose: Attractive as in wholesome?
Blanche: Or attractive as in drop-dead stunningly gorgeous?
Dorothy: Attractive as in attractive.
Blanche: All right. What else?
Dorothy: She's someone I share my innermost secrets with in strictest confidence.
Rose: You mean like the time you told me you borrowed Blanche's car, dented it, and said the bag boy at the grocery store did it?
Dorothy: That's not a secret. I just forgot to mention it.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. What are you eating?
Sophia: Ziti.
Dorothy: Ma, it's nine o'clock in the morning. You're eating a bowl of pasta?
Sophia: No, I'm eating a bowl of Nabisco Zitios. Of course I'm eating pasta. I need to gain weight. I'm wasting away, Dorothy.
Dorothy: What do you mean?
Sophia: I got weighed this morning. I couldn't believe what I saw. 98lbs.
Dorothy: What do you usually weigh?
Sophia: 99.
Dorothy: Ma, you lost one pound. Thank you, Rene Descartes. I'm looking for advice, not arithmetic.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, you cannot get upset over one pound.
Sophia: Maybe you can't. I can. For 50 years my weight hasn't changed by an ounce, and as far as I'm concerned, until I'm back to 99, I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.
Blanche: Morning, Dorothy. Morning, Sophia.
Sophia: Who?

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Are you implying that I might have gained weight?
Sophia: There's only one way to find out. Here's the scale.
Blanche: Oh, fine. [gasps]
Sophia: Whoa!
Blanche: Sophia, were you looking?
Sophia: Uh, no, not till you stepped off. But I know it's not a good sign when the first rebound goes into the low 120s.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Blanche, honey, don't worry. All you need is a little spring tune-up.
Blanche: And I suppose you don't?
Dorothy: No, not really. Prove it. Put your money where your mouth is.
Sophia: If there isn't already a sweet roll there.

 First PagePage 3