[flashback:]
Dorothy: All right, Stanley. We'll listen to what you have to say.
Stan: Beautiful. How about we all go someplace and get comfortable, get some coffee, have something to eat?
Blanche: I'll go change.
Stan: Why? We're only going into the kitchen. Boy, I hope you have some cheesecake.
Dorothy: Stan, that's it. I've had it with your freeloading. Get out.
Stan: Dorothy, you have so much hostility, so much aggression, so much mistrust. This problem goes deeper than I thought. I'm gonna need a steak with that cheesecake.
Dorothy: Get out!

[flashback:]
Stan: Hi, babe. It's me, Stan. Wait, let me rephrase that. It's me, the new Stan.
Dorothy: What are you talking about?
Stan: Don't you notice a difference? Can't you see the glow? Can't you see the light radiating off me?
Sophia: Sure. It's the porch light glaring off your head.

[flashback:]
Stan: I just finished a seminar with an encounter group called Realizations.
Dorothy: Realizations. Let me guess. It's a group that promises to remove all emotional blocks, self-denial and lifelong hang-ups in two days.
Stan: Miss Know-It-All, for your information it takes three days.
Blanche: So what did it do for you?
Stan: I've learned a hell of a lot about what makes Stanley run. Why I'm so reluctant to make commitments, why I can't keep friends, why all my business ventures seem to fail. I finally have an answer.
Sophia: Because you're a schmuck?

[flashback:]
Rose: Stan, I think we've heard enough.
Stan: Look, I've gone through a life-changing experience. I feel like I'm free to love anybody.
Dorothy: Oh, please. You said the same thing after you had your vasectomy.

[flashback:]
Blanche: Dorothy, how sweet. Oh, that just gives me a warm, tingly feeling all over. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go slip under the covers and enjoy it. [exits]
Rose: OK, Dorothy, she's gone. You can tell me the truth. You were talking about me, weren't you? That's OK. It'll be our own little secret.
Dorothy: That, and the dent in Blanche's car.
Rose: Got you. [exits]
Sophia: You are such a liar.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: Neither of them is your best friend. Admit it. I'm your best friend.
Dorothy: You're right. I was talking about you, Ma. You are my best friend. Just like I'm your best friend.
Sophia: Best friend? Please. You aren't even my favorite child. When you were 13, there were neighbor children I liked better. Best friend. How about picking up a tab once in a while, pal of mine? Or letting me open my own social security check? Best friend! Yeah, right.

[flashback:]
Sophia: Oh, really, Ramdas? If it's all so easy, let's hear you answer this question. "Describe your best friend."
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, that's a really good question.
Rose: Oh, yes, and I'd love to hear the answer.
Dorothy: Well, my best friend is a woman, someone I have a great deal in common with.
Blanche: Is she pretty?
Dorothy: Yes, she's attractive.
Rose: Attractive as in wholesome?
Blanche: Or attractive as in drop-dead stunningly gorgeous?
Dorothy: Attractive as in attractive.
Blanche: All right. What else?
Dorothy: She's someone I share my innermost secrets with in strictest confidence.
Rose: You mean like the time you told me you borrowed Blanche's car, dented it, and said the bag boy at the grocery store did it?
Dorothy: That's not a secret. I just forgot to mention it.

[flashback:]
Yvonne: Hello. My name is Yvonne. Have you been here before?
Blanche: See? You go to a woman's gym, you get hit on by a woman.
Yvonne: I work here.
Blanche: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply anything.
Rose: She just thought you were a lesbian.

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. What are you eating?
Sophia: Ziti.
Dorothy: Ma, it's nine o'clock in the morning. You're eating a bowl of pasta?
Sophia: No, I'm eating a bowl of Nabisco Zitios. Of course I'm eating pasta. I need to gain weight. I'm wasting away, Dorothy.
Dorothy: What do you mean?
Sophia: I got weighed this morning. I couldn't believe what I saw. 98lbs.
Dorothy: What do you usually weigh?
Sophia: 99.
Dorothy: Ma, you lost one pound. Thank you, Rene Descartes. I'm looking for advice, not arithmetic.

Dorothy: Ma, you cannot get upset over one pound.
Sophia: Maybe you can't. I can. For 50 years my weight hasn't changed by an ounce, and as far as I'm concerned, until I'm back to 99, I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.
Blanche: Morning, Dorothy. Morning, Sophia.
Sophia: Who?

Blanche: Are you implying that I might have gained weight?
Sophia: There's only one way to find out. Here's the scale.
Blanche: Oh, fine. [gasps]
Sophia: Whoa!
Blanche: Sophia, were you looking?
Sophia: Uh, no, not till you stepped off. But I know it's not a good sign when the first rebound goes into the low 120s.