Sophia: Dorothy, let me tell you a story. Picture it. Sicily, 1922. A young military officer stationed far from home. He wanders the streets seeking a friendly face and a glass of Chianti. Finally, he happens into a dusty little cafe where he finds both. The man laughs for the first time in months. And finds inspiration in a beautiful peasant girl, wise beyond her years. When the cafe is closed, she takes him home with her. Three glorious days, they make love and drink wine. He returns to his command prepared to lead his people through whatever battles need to be fought. Dorothy, that young peasant girl was me. And that young man was Winston Churchill.
Dorothy: Ma, you made that whole thing up. Now what is your point?
Sophia: That I made it up. It was a little lie that gave me a lot of pleasure. If Rose is happy, and there was no harm done, let her have that.

Sophia: Reminds me of the place I met Charles de Gaulle. We were lovers, you know.
Raymond: Really?
Dorothy: Ma, that's a lie.
Sophia: Who asked you?
Sophia: Picture it: Sicily, 1921. A beautiful young peasant girl saves her lira and takes a trip to Paris, the city of lights, also the only place a guy can wear a cape without getting a lot of funny looks. She wanders into a restaurant and ends up sharing a table with a dashing young Frenchman. They drink, they talk, they burn a cork and draw mustaches on each other.
Raymond: What?
Sophia: Just wanted to see if you were listening. Anyway, the next thing she knows, it's hours later, the place is empty, and the Frenchman's got his schnoz down her blouse. This begins a beautiful love affair. Kids, I was that peasant girl, and the schnoz was Charles the Mole.
Raymond: Charles the Mole?
Sophia: Yeah, Charles the Mole. He was the wheel man for Louie the Ice Pick.
Dorothy: Ma, you said Charles de Gaulle.
Sophia: Yeah, right! I slept with Charles de Gaulle. I could've been the first lady of France, but I married your father instead. A man who cleans his toenails with a shrimp fork.

[flashback:]
Blanche: Mama, do you remember that Mother's Day that I almost ruined when I ran off to get married?
Margaret: No.
Blanche: Sure you do, honey. Don't you know, I was a senior in high school, and I was madly in love with Deck Boevingloh. We'd been dating for nearly a month, so it seemed perfectly logical when he dropped by cheerleading practice and asked me to marry him. Oh, I thought he was a wonderful catch at the time. He was 40, out of work, twice divorced, had three kids. But the real reason I wanted to marry him was because his oldest daughter was a rival of mine at cheerleading, and I figured if I married Deck, I'd be her mama and I could kick her off the squad. Anyway, I remember the next day, I was in the Rexall when Deck came in lookin' more handsome than I've ever seen him. Oh! Black motorcycle boots, skintight Levis, a match in his mouth, and a white T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to reveal his brand-new Woody the Woodpecker tattoo. God, I was an idiot. Anyway, he sauntered over to me at the soda fountain and gave me this long, smolderin' look and said, "So?" Oh, I nearly fainted dead-away on the spot. The next thing I knew, I was sittin' in that Studebaker racing out toward bayou country, where Deck knew this justice of the peace who specialized in marrying stupid teenage girls from well-to-do families. Now, lucky for me, Old Man Montgomery had been in the Rexall that day and overheard us making our plans and tipped off you and Daddy. You know, to this day, I don't know how you got there ahead of us. But when we pulled up to Bubba's Chapel of Bliss and Tackle Shop, there you were. Well, I was ready for the fight of my life, but all you said was, "Why, darlin', I just came out here to give you away with my blessing. Why, I think marrying Deck might be the best thing in the world for you, Blanche." Well, at 17, I wasn't about to do anything you wanted me to do. And you knew that. I gave Deck back his I.D. bracelet that had "Deck" on one side and "Allergic to the Law" on the other, hopped in the car with you and Daddy, and we took off home. I asked you if you were mad at me. You said, "Why, no, darlin'. This is the best Mother's Day I've ever had." Don't you remember that, Mama?

[flashback:]
Margaret: Well, I thought that happened to Virginia. Wasn't Virginia the slut?
Blanche: No, ma'am. That was me.
Margaret: Blanche, that didn't happen on Mother's Day. That happened Christmas Day, 19... 1949.
Blanche: You're right. Hey, that was Christmas D- You remembered, Mama.
Margaret: Blanche, there are days when I can't remember who I am, but trust me, I remember every stunt you ever pulled. That's how I got half the gray hairs on this 85-year-old head.
Blanche: Honey, you're 89.
Margaret: Oh, darlin', didn't I ever teach you anything? No true lady ever tells her age.
Blanche: Happy Mother's Day, Mama.

[flashback:]
Mrs. Zbornak: What're you here for? What do you want, money?
Dorothy: No. Absolutely not. How did you know?
Mrs. Zbornak: I just got the feeling my yutz son crapped out at his job.
Dorothy: Yutz. I've never heard you say anything bad about Stan in my life.
Mrs. Zbornak: I don't have to. The whole world makes fun of him. Always has. That's why I make him out to be more than he is.
Dorothy: Then you will give him the money.
Mrs. Zbornak: No. But I'll give it to you under one condition. Don't ever tell Stanley it came from me.
Dorothy: I don't understand.
Mrs. Zbornak: Well, Stanley has a tendency to be weak. If he knew I was a soft touch, he'd never amount to anything. How much do you need?
Dorothy: $500.
Mrs. Zbornak: I'll give you a thousand. You know, Dorothy, I'm glad Stanley married you. You love him, but you're tough on him and he needs that.
Dorothy: Then why are you so mean to me?
Mrs. Zbornak: Because if Stanley knew I liked you, he'd hang around here all the time. He's a yutz. Who needs him around here?
[Dorothy goes to hug Mrs. Zbornak]
Stan: Dorothy!
Mrs. Zbornak: Oh, thank God you came when you did. I thought she was gonna strangle me.