Blanche: Hey! Wait a minute. Are you saying this should be me and not you?
Rose: No. No, I'm just saying that I am a good person. Hell, I'm a goody two shoes.
Blanche: AIDS is not a bad person's disease, Rose. It is not God punishing people for their sins.
Rose: You're right, Blanche.

Dorothy: What an idiot! Of all the lamebrained, moronic dopes. I mean, if ever I wanted to reach right through the phone and strangle somebody.
Sophia: Not really a morning person, are you, pussycat?
Dorothy: It's this caterer that I hired for my Save the Wetlands banquet. He's a week late with the menu, now he tells me that he's going to serve wild duck and crayfish. They come from the wetlands. It's like holding a Save the Whales function on a Japanese trawler.

Rose: I haven't been this scared since 1952, when St. Olaf's most active volcano threatened to erupt. Luckily, there were some Druid priests who were in town for the opening of Stonehengeland. They said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin. I don't know why I raised my hand. It must have just been the excitement of the moment. But they said the only way to prevent the eruption was for me to crawl through their legs, up the volcano, while they gave me my birthday whacks. Well - and you're not gonna believe this - it turns out they weren't Druid priests at all. Just a bunch of Shriners looking for a good time.