Blanche: Anyway, I got good news from my accountant. I'm being audited Tuesday.
Dorothy: Oh, lucky you.
Blanche: Dorothy, you don't get it. My accountant reminded me that I've been audited before and I've never had to pay a penny in back taxes. I have a way with auditors. The last time I was audited I got money back from the government.
Sophia: Blanche, it's not a refund when the auditor leaves two twenties on your nightstand.

Blanche: OK, Rose, I'm going to tell you a story about a young girl in high school who was very insecure about the other kids liking her. Now, she would do anything - anything - to gain their approval. She would do their homework for them, while her grades suffered. She would give them her lunch money, in the misguided belief that she could buy their acceptance. Finally, lonely and desperate for affection she gave her virginity to the first boy who showed her the slightest attention.
Dorothy: You know, Blanche, until you told this story, I never realized how much we had in common.
Blanche: We don't have anything in common. That was a story Sophia told me about you.

Dorothy: You'll, uh have to excuse me. I'm a little nervous. I'm not really a comedian. Boy, it's a little hot up here.
Sophia: How hot is it?
Dorothy: I don't know, but it's really hot.
Sophia: Hi-ho!
Dorothy: As I said before, my name is Dorothy Zbornak. And that's spelled just the way it sounds. [silence]
Sophia: You're dying. Ask us where we're from.
Dorothy: That's my mother, the Incredible Shrinking Woman. She's sitting there with the two other women that I live with. You know, at our ages, the four of us living together in the same house, we go through so many hormone changes that some nights we can actually read by the hot flashes. [laughter] You know, it's really interesting when one of us dates an eligible man - or as we call them, a live one. Although it's not really a prerequisite because I have been known to date a guy on life support. [laughter] But the trouble with dating a guy on life support is that you always have to go to his place. Every guy has an angle.
[later:]
Dorothy: And that's the trouble with the guys here in Miami. They simply cannot say those three little words: "Quick, call 911." So, that's who I am. A substitute teacher with hot flashes who still lives with her mother who heckles her. [laughter] And I wanna thank you for finding my life more amusing than I do. Good night. Thank you.