Sophia Quote #306

Quote from Sophia in It's a Miserable Life

Rose: Mrs. Claxton, we want you to know we all appreciate you helping us to save the tree.
Mrs. Claxton: I'm not. I'm here to make sure they tear it down. I hate trees. I hate people.
Blanche: Well, Mrs. Claxton, Rose told us you said you were going to help us.
Mrs. Claxton: That's right.
Dorothy: And now you're not?
Mrs. Claxton: That's right.
Rose: Well, why did you lie?
Mrs. Claxton: To get the Danish. Look, there's nothing I hate more than someone who thinks that every person who lives alone wants company and a few kind words. I live by myself because I like it. I've got no use for people. Never have. See you inside.
Dorothy: Ma, where are you going?
Sophia: To throw holy water on her. If she spits up pea soup and her head spins around, we're in big trouble.


 ‘It's a Miserable Life’ Quotes

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Wish me luck.
Dorothy: Wait. Blanche, why should you do it?
Blanche: Because we'll have a better chance. I happen to be a wonderful orator. And two of the commissioners can verify that.
Dorothy: Blanche, "orator" means "speaker".
Blanche: Really? Oh. Well, somebody else do the talking.

Quote from Sophia

Mr. Pfeiffer: Come this way. Now, this is our slumber chamber. Oh, and here's my card. How may I be of service to you?
Dorothy: Uh, well, Mr. Pfeiffer.
Mr. Pfeiffer: That's Pfeiffer, the P is not silent.
Dorothy: Well, Mr. Pfeiffer. We're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely? The three of you planning for Mother.
Sophia: Hey, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your p-face?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I was at my funeral at 16. I saw the whole thing.
Dorothy: What?
Blanche: Sixteen was a very difficult age for me. My hormones were racing, my body was blossoming. I had urges and yearnings so strong. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night, just sweating and screaming and clawing, like a trapped panther. Unable to release the lusty, steamy passions that constantly threatened to erupt from within me.
Dorothy: When I was 16, I had acne and played the accordion in a marching band.
Blanche: Well, nothing seemed to go right that year. But the final indignity occurred during the Miss Magnolia Blossom Pageant. Instead of doing the right thing and awarding me the crown as the most beautiful girl in the county, they made me runner-up. And awarded me Miss Congeniality instead. At that moment, I vowed to make that town pay for valuing my personality over my perfect body.
Dorothy: I hear that Vanna White has the same problem.
Blanche: So I decided to kill myself to teach that town a lesson. I phonied-up my death in a riverboat accident. I had the captain, who I was secretly seeing after school, help me with the details. Everything went perfectly. Oh, the town had never seen a funeral like mine. Hundreds of people, beautiful eulogies. And then, just as the minister was getting everybody in a frenzy of grieving, I rushed out and said, "Yoo-hoo. It's me, Blanche. I'm not really dead." Well, the next thing I knew, my daddy was horse-whipping that riverboat captain and dragging me off to a religious girls' school in Atlanta. My daddy didn't get angry, but once you did, he was a real peckerwood.