Alvin: Who you calling an old geezer?
Sophia: What am I, Kreskin? How should I know what your name is?
Alvin: If you didn't have your eyes zapped with some ray gun, you could read it off my identification badge here.
Sophia: "Alvin Newcastle. Security guard."
Alvin: That's right.
Sophia: Why didn't you just buy the one that says, "Marshal, Dodge City."
Alvin: This happens to be a legitimate, officially authorized identification badge. Issued by the police department direct. And I happen to be a legitimate for real security guard.
Sophia: Well, you're doing a great job, Alvin Newcastle. Nobody stole the boardwalk since you've been sitting here. [laughs]
Alvin: Forget it. Just forget it. It's my fault for trying to be friendly. I'll go back to counting seagulls.

Sophia: What about your Edna?
Alvin: Edna?
Sophia: Did she like the beach? [seagulls squawk]
Alvin: You ever notice the birds?
Sophia: I'm asking you about your late wife, you're asking me about birds?
Alvin: At the park, they want you to feed them, but here they take care of themselves.
Sophia: Here they could die for clams casino, what's your point?
Alvin: I don't know.
Sophia: I'm asking about Edna.
Alvin: Edna?
Sophia: Your wife.
[Alvin looks around in confusion and begins to cry.]
Sophia: Oh, hey. I'm sorry, I- I guess I just can't take a hint. There's some things about Salvadore I still have trouble talking about. Of course, other things I'm not allowed to talk about unless I want the Scarpoli family to put out a contract on me. Hey, I- I made up that last part, trying to lighten the moment. I'm sorry, Alvin. Don't cry. That's okay. You cry all you want.

Dorothy: Here Blanche, you can add this to the pile.
Blanche: You're not serious. You're not giving this dress to the rummage sale. This is the best looking outfit you own.
Dorothy: You're right. I still look damn good in this thing.
Blanche: Well, I don't know about "damn good." That particular design does tend to accentuate your behind while simultaneously diminishing your cleavage.
Dorothy: Wait just a minute. Blanche, first you tell me this is my prettiest outfit, then you tell me I don't look very good in it. Now, which one is the truth?
Blanche: Both. But look on the bright side, honey, how often do you get out of your robe on the weekends?

Dorothy: Hi, Ma, where you going?
Sophia: Down to the boardwalk. I like to sit and watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water. Where are you going?
Dorothy: I'm off to the rummage sale. Would you like a ride?
Sophia: No, I wanna do cartwheels for six miles. Get your keys and let's roll.

Sophia: Someone sitting here?
Alvin: Cataracts or glaucoma?
Sophia: I can see there's no one sitting here. I was just being polite.
Alvin: If you say so. Me, I've got both. Cataracts and glaucoma. The glaucoma I handle with drops. For the cataracts, I had surgery.
Sophia: They used laser beams on me. Zap, zap. Just like that. No more cataracts.
Alvin: Dynamite.
Sophia: You black?
Alvin: Laser beams, huh?
Sophia: Gimme a break, you old geezer. The sun's reflecting off the sand.

Sophia: Hey, Alvin. I have an enormous veal and pepper sandwich here. I couldn't possibly finish it. You want half? I made it fresh this morning.
Alvin: Sounds more interesting than the tangerine I got.
Sophia: Prepare yourself for a real treat.
Alvin: Hey. I don't even know your name.
Sophia: Sophia. Sophia Petrillo.
Alvin: Italian?
Sophia: Take one bite of the sandwich and you tell me.

Sophia: Dorothy, I hope you didn't fix breakfast for me. I'm not eating home this morning. Someone's buying me breakfast.
Dorothy: Someone?
Sophia: Okay, okay. Quit badgering me. It's Alvin.
Rose: Alvin from the boardwalk?
Sophia: No, Rose, Alvin from the Chipmunks.

Blanche: Girls, guess what I found. Fernando.
Rose: That's not Fernando.
Blanche: Why, what do you mean, "that's not Fernando"? How could you tell?
Rose: All you have to do is look in his eyes.
Dorothy: Or at the price tag stuck to his back.

Sophia: My point is, there's always something interesting happening at the beach. But then again, I've always been a beach person. Not my Salvadore.
Alvin: Salvadore?
Sophia: My husband.
Alvin: You have a husband? Departed, I told you about him. Anyway, Salvadore hated the beach. He said too many people peed in the ocean.

Dorothy: Daisy. Didn't the Sunshine Cadets teach you anything about honesty and decency and respect for your elders?
Daisy: I think that was scheduled for the weekend campout at Lake Wakatake. I missed it, when I was grounded for catching a smoke in the boys' john.
Blanche: Dorothy, we're shafted.
Daisy: Do you think you could have the bike by this weekend?
Dorothy: Listen, Daisy, I don't like being intimidated, I do not like being threatened and frankly, kid, I don't like you. And I am not gonna buy you anything, and I am going to tell your folks what you're doing and then I'm going to call the school for bad girls and they will come and pick you up and put you in a sack and take you away and you will never eat ice cream or play jump rope again.
Daisy: Get real, grandma! Either way, I'll get the bike. My folks will feel terrible because two mean old ladies forced me to return my toy. And because it was ruined in the accident on the way back to their house.
Dorothy: Accident?
Daisy: See this water pistol? It's loaded with red ink.