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‘Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

305. Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

Aired October 24, 1987

When Rose is asked to give the eulogy at her aunt's funeral in the Bahamas, she must confront her fear of public speaking. Meanwhile, Dorothy tries to brave flying and Blanche reveals a frightening dream about bald men.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. What are you making?
Sophia: History.
Dorothy: You finally perfected your non-rolling meatball?
Sophia: Hey, just because you have a chin doesn't mean you're Jay Leno.

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Quote from Sophia

Blanche: It's good.
Dorothy: It's delicious.
Sophia: It's garbage.
Dorothy: No, what are you talking about?
Sophia: You can't fool me. I watched your faces. Neither one of you got the look.
Blanche: What look?
Sophia: The look that every cook knows and dreams about. The look of total instant pleasure. Your father put that look on my face once.
Dorothy: That's nice, Ma.
Sophia: Nice? I said once. We were married 52 years.

Quote from Rose

Rose: My Aunt Gretchen in Fort Lauderdale died.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose.
Blanche: Honey, I'm sorry. Were you close to Aunt Gretchen?
Rose: No, I couldn't stand her.
Dorothy: Wait a minute, Rose. Honey, if you didn't like your aunt, why are you so upset?
Rose: Because I'll have to speak at her funeral. I'm terrified of speaking in front of people. It's my biggest fear in the world.
Blanche: Well, why can't somebody else speak?
Rose: Generptionloken. It's a family tradition. It means the oldest niece has to give the eulogy. Well, not literally. Literally, it's a herring poacher you can wear as a sun visor. The family got together and they decided that was close enough.
Dorothy: Rose, I take it that no member of your family was ever a returning champion on Jeopardy.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. Hey, what is that smell?
Sophia: It's the sweet smell of success. It's my new entry in the cooking contest. Veal parmesan, my luckiest dish. It saved my marriage once.
Dorothy: Ma, you gonna tell a story?
Sophia: Please, does Heifetz rosin a bow? This is a tearjerker. Picture this. New York City, 1931. The Depression. Your father and I are newlyweds. One rainy night, we have our first fight. He says he's leaving, I say fine. He goes out the door, I start to cook. A few hours later, he comes back. He says he couldn't find a cab. We eat in silence. Halfway through, I look up. He's got tears in his eyes. He tells me, "This meal is like our marriage." The veal is like him, tough and stubborn. The tomato sauce is like me, hot and spicy. And the mozzarella is like our love: It stretches but it never breaks.
Dorothy: Ma, that's lovely, but I don't see what luck had to do with it.
Sophia: You were conceived that night, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: What's lucky is your father never knew or he never would have eaten my veal again.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I remember the last time I tried to give a speech. I was in high school. You wanna hear about it?
Blanche: Would you follow us if we tried to make a run for it?
Rose: Yes.
Blanche: You were saying?
Rose: It was my high school graduation. I was valedictorian.
Blanche: You were valedictorian?
Rose: Yes. I was fourth out of 19 graduating seniors. Anyway-
Dorothy: Wait a minute. Rose, if you were fourth, how were you chosen valedictorian?
Rose: The same way every high school chooses the valedictorian. We drew straws.
Dorothy: And you picked the biggest one.
Rose: I don't like to brag. Anyway, the topic of my speech was "There's a big world out there but you have to change buses in Tyler's Landing if you want to see it. " Now, graduation day came and everybody was there. The mayor was there, his wife, old Johannson, young Johannson, big and little Gustav, the Stringmeyer twins, fat Jerry...
Dorothy: Will you get to the point, Rose?
Rose: The point is I choked. Wimped out, froze on the spot. Since then, I have never been able to speak in front of a crowd.
Sophia: I say next time, we try and outrun her.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I'm not afraid of anything now. But I sure used to be. Not a phobia, exactly, but something just as bad. A recurring dream. Night after night, I had this awful dream that I was trapped in an enclosed space full of men.
Dorothy: Now what could that mean? Let's give this a second.
Blanche: Now, wait a minute. There's more to it. All the men were bald. Just me and a bunch of bald men. Oh, and I kept hearing the voice of God. Anyway, one day I just finally said to myself: "Blanche, you are bigger than this. You don't have to succumb to any dream. Unless it involves meeting Mel Gibson at an oyster bar." And just like that it stopped. Mind over matter, you can do the same thing, Rose.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: What would you say about me?
Blanche: Dorothy, come on.
Dorothy: I told you, you can tell me. All right.
Blanche: Well, I would say I always felt safe having you in the house. And I would say I always enjoyed talking to you when I'd come home from one of my numerous dates. And I would say I always looked up to you like an older sister.
Dorothy: Thank you, Blanche. Oh, and I forgot one thing. I would also say you're fat.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I'm ready to practice my eulogy. Blanche, if you'll stand over there by the barbecue. That's where Aunt Lib will be.
Dorothy: Where should I be?
Rose: Right there. That's where Uncle Gunther will be. Oh, and it would help if you'd hum.
Dorothy: Is that part of the Viking funeral?
Rose: No, Uncle Gunther just hums a lot. If he has something important to say he spells it out in salt. Unless he's quoting a song by the Four Tops. Then he spells it out-
Dorothy & Blanche: In pepper.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Honey, you were doing just fine.
Rose: Oh, that's because you were here. Tomorrow, I'll be out there all alone, staring at my relatives, who'll be ready to hoot and snicker at the first crack in my voice. They'll think I'm an idiot.
Sophia: Please, it's family. They know you're an idiot.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Damn. I don't have one thing in black that isn't see-through.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, I don't believe my ears. Girls! The entire purpose of this trip is to conquer our fears. Why, if we back out now, that'd mean our fears have conquered us and I will not allow that. We are gonna march out that door right now, like the strong confidant women I know we are. Chins up, chests out, buttocks tight. I know "buttocks tight" has nothing to do with it, it just looks good. Buttocks tight, I said. Buttocks tight! Oh, forget it.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Will you just calm down? Drink champagne.
Dorothy: I don't like champagne.
Blanche: Go ahead, it might relax you.
Dorothy: Didn't make me relaxed. It just makes me wanna burp. I'll probably burp and the pressure in the cabin will change and we'll fly into a mountain.
Rose: That would be a good example of a mishap.
Dorothy: Rose, do me a favor, fasten your seat belt. Over your mouth!

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Dorothy?
Dorothy: We made a rule. No talking, it shakes the plane.
Rose: I just have to say one thing. If Blanche is right, and we are gonna die this afternoon, I'm glad we're together.
Dorothy: Yes, that's very comforting. Now, shut up.
Blanche: I know what you mean, Rose. We have had some very special times together. Like the time there was that hurricane and all the power went out for two days and we huddled together to keep warm and sang campfire songs and told stories.
Dorothy: Oh, yeah. And Rose admitted that Charlie was the only man she ever slept with.
Rose: And you admitted Stan was the only man you ever slept with.
Blanche: And I admitted my shoe size was really five and a half.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Uh, everyone? I was supposed to speak at a funeral this afternoon, and now I can't, but I'd still like to give my speech, if no one minds. I wrote some things down but I'd just rather talk. Uh, the funeral was for my Aunt Gretchen. I didn't know her very well. The only thing I remembered about her is she used to scare me. Jumping out of my closet at night, putting false fangs in her mouth, sometimes baying at the moon. Now her dying scares me. But there's a good part to being scared. You get to know who your friends are. They're the ones who help you not be scared. Maybe that's what Aunt Gretchen was trying to do all along. Help me not be scared. I think so. Goodbye, Aunt Gretchen.
Candy: Take a seat, lady. This isn't the Copacabana.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: So, tell us about the cooking contest.
Sophia: The competition was fierce. It came down to my mussels marinara, and Louise Pallito's chicken cacciatore.
Dorothy: Louise Pallito? Isn't she the one who brags about being Al Capone's piano teacher?
Sophia: True. 103 years old. Anyway, the judges voted. It was a flat-footed tie. That's when it went into sudden death.
Dorothy: And?
Sophia: I just told you, it was sudden death. Louise couldn't take it. She keeled over. Kaput! The funeral is on Saturday.
Rose: Sophia, that's terrible.
Sophia: You think that's bad? Guess who I volunteered to give the eulogy?


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