Dorothy: Hi, Ma. Hey, what is that smell?
Sophia: It's the sweet smell of success. It's my new entry in the cooking contest. Veal parmesan, my luckiest dish. It saved my marriage once.
Dorothy: Ma, you gonna tell a story?
Sophia: Please, does Heifetz rosin a bow? This is a tearjerker. Picture this. New York City, 1931. The Depression. Your father and I are newlyweds. One rainy night, we have our first fight. He says he's leaving, I say fine. He goes out the door, I start to cook. A few hours later, he comes back. He says he couldn't find a cab. We eat in silence. Halfway through, I look up. He's got tears in his eyes. He tells me, "This meal is like our marriage." The veal is like him, tough and stubborn. The tomato sauce is like me, hot and spicy. And the mozzarella is like our love: It stretches but it never breaks.
Dorothy: Ma, that's lovely, but I don't see what luck had to do with it.
Sophia: You were conceived that night, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: What's lucky is your father never knew or he never would have eaten my veal again.

Blanche: I'm not afraid of anything now. But I sure used to be. Not a phobia, exactly, but something just as bad. A recurring dream. Night after night, I had this awful dream that I was trapped in an enclosed space full of men.
Dorothy: Now what could that mean? Let's give this a second.
Blanche: Now, wait a minute. There's more to it. All the men were bald. Just me and a bunch of bald men. Oh, and I kept hearing the voice of God. Anyway, one day I just finally said to myself: "Blanche, you are bigger than this. You don't have to succumb to any dream. Unless it involves meeting Mel Gibson at an oyster bar." And just like that it stopped. Mind over matter, you can do the same thing, Rose.

Dorothy: What would you say about me?
Blanche: Dorothy, come on.
Dorothy: I told you, you can tell me. All right.
Blanche: Well, I would say I always felt safe having you in the house. And I would say I always enjoyed talking to you when I'd come home from one of my numerous dates. And I would say I always looked up to you like an older sister.
Dorothy: Thank you, Blanche. Oh, and I forgot one thing. I would also say you're fat.

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. What are you making?
Sophia: History.
Dorothy: You finally perfected your non-rolling meatball?
Sophia: Hey, just because you have a chin doesn't mean you're Jay Leno.

Blanche: It's good.
Dorothy: It's delicious.
Sophia: It's garbage.
Dorothy: No, what are you talking about?
Sophia: You can't fool me. I watched your faces. Neither one of you got the look.
Blanche: What look?
Sophia: The look that every cook knows and dreams about. The look of total instant pleasure. Your father put that look on my face once.
Dorothy: That's nice, Ma.
Sophia: Nice? I said once. We were married 52 years.

Rose: My Aunt Gretchen in Fort Lauderdale died.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose.
Blanche: Honey, I'm sorry. Were you close to Aunt Gretchen?
Rose: No, I couldn't stand her.
Dorothy: Wait a minute, Rose. Honey, if you didn't like your aunt, why are you so upset?
Rose: Because I'll have to speak at her funeral. I'm terrified of speaking in front of people. It's my biggest fear in the world.
Blanche: Well, why can't somebody else speak?
Rose: Generptionloken. It's a family tradition. It means the oldest niece has to give the eulogy. Well, not literally. Literally, it's a herring poacher you can wear as a sun visor. The family got together and they decided that was close enough.
Dorothy: Rose, I take it that no member of your family was ever a returning champion on Jeopardy.

Rose: I remember the last time I tried to give a speech. I was in high school. You wanna hear about it?
Blanche: Would you follow us if we tried to make a run for it?
Rose: Yes.
Blanche: You were saying?
Rose: It was my high school graduation. I was valedictorian.
Blanche: You were valedictorian?
Rose: Yes. I was fourth out of 19 graduating seniors. Anyway-
Dorothy: Wait a minute. Rose, if you were fourth, how were you chosen valedictorian?
Rose: The same way every high school chooses the valedictorian. We drew straws.
Dorothy: And you picked the biggest one.
Rose: I don't like to brag. Anyway, the topic of my speech was "There's a big world out there but you have to change buses in Tyler's Landing if you want to see it. " Now, graduation day came and everybody was there. The mayor was there, his wife, old Johannson, young Johannson, big and little Gustav, the Stringmeyer twins, fat Jerry...
Dorothy: Will you get to the point, Rose?
Rose: The point is I choked. Wimped out, froze on the spot. Since then, I have never been able to speak in front of a crowd.
Sophia: I say next time, we try and outrun her.

Rose: I'm ready to practice my eulogy. Blanche, if you'll stand over there by the barbecue. That's where Aunt Lib will be.
Dorothy: Where should I be?
Rose: Right there. That's where Uncle Gunther will be. Oh, and it would help if you'd hum.
Dorothy: Is that part of the Viking funeral?
Rose: No, Uncle Gunther just hums a lot. If he has something important to say he spells it out in salt. Unless he's quoting a song by the Four Tops. Then he spells it out-
Dorothy & Blanche: In pepper.

Dorothy: Honey, you were doing just fine.
Rose: Oh, that's because you were here. Tomorrow, I'll be out there all alone, staring at my relatives, who'll be ready to hoot and snicker at the first crack in my voice. They'll think I'm an idiot.
Sophia: Please, it's family. They know you're an idiot.

Blanche: Damn. I don't have one thing in black that isn't see-through.