Blanche: Oh, I guess there must be a reason why women have babies when they're 20ish instead of 40ish.
Dorothy: Blanche, the only thing in this room that's 40ish is your hairdo.

Blanche: When my time comes, I sure want somebody to put me out of my misery if something tragic happens. Like I get a fatal illness, or I've lost my looks.
Dorothy: Tell us when, Blanche.

Rose: Sophia, I can't believe you're doing this. You know, this reminds me of the story of Gunilla Ulf's daughter, St. Olaf's very own angel of death.
Dorothy: Tell it, Rose. Tell it.
Rose: Really? All the way through?
Dorothy: All the way through. But please try to make the end come as close to the beginning as possible.
Rose: Well, Gunilla Ulf's daughter was a nurse at Cedars of St. Olaf Hospital. One night she was taking care of Sven Bjornsson, and he asked her if she would get him some more mouth moisteners and then kill him. Gunilla brought the mouth moisteners right away, but the killing thing seemed to go against everything she'd been taught.
Dorothy: You're doing beautifully, Rose.
Rose: He begged and he begged, and by her coffee break, she couldn't stand it anymore, so she pulled the plug and he died. Well, she was racked with guilt that night. Not only had she parked her car in a doctor's spot, but she was never sure whether Sven's pleading was the pain talking, or the medication talking, or the guy in the next bed talking! You see, the guy in the next bed was Ingmar von Bergen, St. Olaf's meanest ventriloquist.
Dorothy: Rose, we are going somewhere with this, aren't we? I mean, if not, I'm gonna cut out your tongue.
Rose: Yes! Sven came back to haunt Gunilla. Since then, every Tuesday night at ten. Nine, Central time. She hears noises. Some say it's the wind, but some say it's Sven's voice whispering back from the other side, saying, "Turn around quick. His lips are moving."

Bartender: Hi. Can I get you ladies drinks?
Sophia: I'll have a Manhattan. And don't slip me any of the cheap stuff.
Martha: I'll have another Harvey Wallbanger.
Sophia: You've seen quite a bit of Mr. Wallbanger tonight.
Martha: I'm celebrating, because I've just had an idea that will change my life. Order anything you like. I'm going to have the shrimp cocktail, the cream of mushroom soup, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, and the filet mignon.
Sophia: I like cholesterol as much as the next guy, but you're never gonna get blood to your feet again.

Rose: You know, back in St. Olaf, we had a surefire method for getting babies to sleep.
Dorothy: If herring, elk, or anyone named Sven figures in this, I don't wanna hear it.

Dorothy: Ma! Hello, Martha. Where were you?
Sophia: I'll give you a hint. The guest of honor had lipstick on her teeth and didn't give a damn.
Blanche: Who died?
Martha: My best friend, Lydia.
Dorothy: I'm so sorry.
Martha: She suffered so. It was a blessing in disguise.
Sophia: I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

Rose: Oh, that must be the baby.
Sophia: There's a baby coming?
Rose: A couple from my church are going camping over the weekend, and we get to take care of the baby.
Sophia: Good. Maybe now you'll get some food I can chew.

Martha: I'm going to miss her so much.
Sophia: I know. But you said yourself, the last few weeks were so hard on her. At least now she's resting peacefully.
Martha: I feel so bad.
Sophia: Hey, I'm the one who should feel bad. Lydia and I were wearing the same dress.

Maitre D': May I help you, madame?
Sophia: How d'you know I'm not a mademoiselle?
Maitre D': Because what man in his right mind would leave you to languish on the vine?
Sophia: If this was Sicily, you wouldn't have any lips left. Take me to my friend Martha Lamont's table, and try not to fall in love.
Maitre D': Miss Lamont is waiting for you at the bar.
Sophia: Oh, good. With luck, she found somebody who'll pay for dinner.

Sophia: Martha! You look terrific. Are those new knee-highs?
Maitre D': It's a new attitude - eat, drink and be merry.
Sophia: [struggling to get up on a bar stool] Hey, Jacques. Gimme a hand, and watch where you put it. [arms up] That was better than I thought it would be. Now I can't wait to get down.