Blanche: Oh, these things happen between sisters all the time. I remember once my sister Virginia wouldn't talk to me for a month, all because I smiled at her boyfriend.
Dorothy: There. Listen to Blanche.
Blanche: Of course, I was skinny-dipping on his property at the time.
Dorothy: Don't listen to Blanche.
Blanche: All right, it was his bathtub. We were blowing suds off of each other when she walked in.
Dorothy: Blanche, what is the point of this story?
Blanche: Point? There's no point. I just like telling it.

Dorothy: Ma, what the hell is Dreyfuss doing here?
Sophia: Calm down. I just ran into Harry Weston. They're all leaving town, and they needed someone to watch Dreyfuss. I volunteered.
Dorothy: Yeah, well, unvolunteer.
Sophia: Why? You think I can't do it? You think I'm irresponsible?
Dorothy: Yes, Ma.
Sophia: You think I'm forgetful?
Dorothy: Yes, Ma.
Sophia: You think I'm irresponsible?
Dorothy: You already said that.
Sophia: That's emphasis. You never heard the "I have a dream" speech?

Rose: What should I do, Sophia?
Sophia: Well, this is a very complex and perplexing question. It has to do with honesty, friendship, love, hate all the biggies.
Rose: So what should I do?
Sophia: Please! Socrates sat under an olive tree in a sheet for years thinking about this kind of stuff. I'm a poor immigrant with a third-grade education. Give me two minutes!

Dorothy: Ma, face it. You cannot be trusted. Every time you get yourself into something like this, I end up covering for you. I am not gonna end up taking care of this dog.
Sophia: Did I ever mention that I almost died giving birth to you? The pain was so intense, they gave me a towel to bite on.
Dorothy: They gave you a towel at the hospital?
Sophia: What hospital? You were born on a pinochle table at McSorley's bar. Hospital? Like your father was a member of the Etna family. The closest he ever got to a hospital was when he came to deliver ice.

Sophia: Who's this?
Rose: Holly, this is-
Holly: Oh, wait, now, Rose, let me. She's feisty, zesty, and full of old-world charm, Sophia!
Sophia: She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap, Rose's sister. Don't mess with me, kid. I have the home-court advantage.

Blanche: Rose Nylund, if I didn't know better, I might think you were tryin' to steal my boyfriend.
Rose: I'm innocent, Blanche.
Blanche: Oh, I know it. That's why Gary's dating me. Ha ha ha!
Rose: He's a lewd, horny, oversexed beast with five hands!
Blanche: You don't have to build him up to me, honey. I like him fine already.

Blanche: Which sister is this, Rose?
Rose: My younger sister Holly. Frankly, I'm not too happy about it. This is a terrible thing to say, but I don't really like her. We haven't gotten along since we were kids.
Blanche: Why is she coming here, then?
Rose: Well, she's here on business. She's a world-renowned flautist.
Dorothy: She plays the flute?
Rose: No, Dorothy, she plays the flaut. It's a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba, except it's got hair on the bottom. Of course she plays the flute! I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a little wound up.

Blanche: Honey, what you looking for?
Sophia: Nothing.
Blanche: Now, Sophia, tell me the truth.
Sophia: All right. Dreyfuss is gone.
Blanche: He ran away?
Sophia: No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation. Of course he ran away.

Rose: Oh, girls, I'm so glad you're still up. I need to talk to you. I have a problem.
Blanche: Oh, honey, we know you do. You gotta stop buying your hair colorin' out of the 99-cent-or-less bin at the Pic 'n Save.
Rose: This problem has to do with Holly.
Blanche: Her hair's not the color of a Twinkie.

Rose: Wow, two Dreyfusses.
Sophia: No, one Dreyfuss. That's the point. I want to return the second, but I don't know how to tell which is which. That's where you come in. What do I do?
Rose: Well, there's only one thing I can think of. We used to do it back on the farm, and I may be a little rusty, but it's worth a shot.
Sophia: Whatever it is, do it. I'm desperate.
Rose: OK. Here goes. Dreyfuss, come here, boy! This one's Dreyfuss.