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‘Larceny and Old Lace’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Larceny and Old Lace

321. Larceny and Old Lace

Aired February 27, 1988

Dorothy is concerned when Sophia starts seeing a guy who's always talking about his time in the Mob.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: What's the most romantic thing a man did for you, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, well, the most romantic thing was when Stan proposed. He took me to a very expensive restaurant, and I went to the powder room, and when I returned, there was an open bottle of Dom Perignon and two filled glasses. And we clinked the glasses in a toast, and Stan gave me a coy smile, and I winked at him, and then I just downed the champagne in one gulp. And it didn't go down smoothly. Later, Stan told me that he put my engagement ring in the bottom of the glass.
Rose: Aw. Aw.
Dorothy: It turned up three days later.
Rose: Where'd it turn up, Dorothy?
Dorothy: On the Home Shopping Network, Rose!

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Quote from Blanche

Rose: Blanche, what was the most romantic thing a man ever did for you?
Blanche: Oh, that's easy. When George and I were courting and it was getting to the intimate stage, we went for a date in his big old Packard. Well, halfway home, we ran outta gas. It was dark, it was cold. So we held each other close. Both of us knew, right then and there, this was the night. Sure enough, pretty soon the windows were all fogged up from the heat generated by our bodies. After we were married, I told George that the only thing that could've made that evening more romantic was if we'd had candles and wine and a big blanket. So, on our tenth anniversary, George fired up the old Packard, and we drove along the same route as on that date, and, would't you know, we ran out of gas on exactly the same spot. Well, George said, "Blanche, why don't you look behind that tree?" So I did, and there was a basket with candles and wine and two long-stem glasses and a big blanket. We had a perfect evening.
Dorothy: Oh. Oh, that is beautiful, Blanche.
Rose: But isn't it a shame you didn't look behind the tree the first time? You could have had two perfect dates.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh. I see you're with my two double-crossing ex-friends. I'll come back later.
Sophia: What do you think this is, the 7-Eleven? I'm not open all night.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: It's my fault. He thought the only way he could keep me was if he had money to buy me expensive things. I gotta convince him to turn himself in. If he doesn't, I'll go to the police myself. It's the last time I let a man toy with my affections. From now on, it's strictly physical.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Okay, Blanche. You landed on sports. Here's the question. "What famous football player wore panty hose-"
Blanche: Doug Curloff, Tampa Bay Bucs, New Year's Eve. We were at the Holiday Inn near the airport.
Dorothy: The complete question is, "-wore panty hose in a magazine advertisement?"
Blanche: How the hell would I know? If I want to see a man in panty hose, I don't have to go out and buy a magazine.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Okay, music history. Here goes. "What famous Mozart composition, completed in 1787, is a serenade in G for two violins, viola, cello, and double bass in four movements?"
Rose: Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.
Blanche: That's right. How did you know that?
Rose: Well, they always play it during the chases on The Bugs Bunny-Roadrunner Show. There was- There was this one where Elmer Fudd was chasing Bugs, and he stuck his gun down a hole in the ground that Bugs had painted-
Dorothy: Excuse me, Rose. Blanche, could I see the rule book? Thank you. [hits Rose on the head]

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia: What the hell are you doin' home? I thought you had a four o'clock beauty appointment.
Dorothy: I did. They finished early.
Sophia: On Christie Brinkley, they can finish early. You need every minute they can spare. Now get back there.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, I'm telling you, the man is bad news. He has no job. He gambles all the time. What kind of future does he have?
Sophia: Future? Please. He's 85. The man's got so little time, he only uses the ten-items-or-less line at the supermarket.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: Losing. It's strip poker.
Dorothy: That's it! Game's over.
Sophia: Who do you think you are? Donald Trump? You don't own this casino.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: She's always telling me what to do.
Rocco: Don't worry about it. My daughter treats me the same way.
Sophia: Kids. Once they're over 50, they think they know everything.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I wanted to ask you, do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?
Dorothy: I haven't noticed.
Rose: Hi, Blanche.
Blanche: Must you always be so cheerful, you empty-headed Mary Poppins knockoff?
Rose: [to Dorothy] Let me know if you notice anything.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Gee, what's my diary doing here? Next to a pair of pliers?
Blanche: Rose, whatever it is you're thinkin', it isn't true.
Rose: Good. Then George Bush isn't married to his mother.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: [o.s.] Sophia?
Sophia: I'm not in. Wait for the beep. Then leave a message. Beep.
Rose: [o.s.] Hi, this is Rose. I-
Sophia: Rose, shut up and get in here.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: All right, it's late, I'm tired, so listen up.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, you gonna tell us a story?
Sophia: No. I'm going to do shadow puppets. See? An elephant eating a peanut. Happy? Of course I'm gonna tell a story. Picture it: Morocco, the '30s.
Rose: The 1930s?
Sophia: No, 30 degrees. Do I look like Willard Scott? Of course the 1930s. Three close friends are haggling over a Camel.
Rose: How many humps?
Sophia: None! I'm talkin' about a cigarette. It was the last one. Well, anyway...
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, what does this have to do with the diary
Sophia: Suddenly I'm on Nightline. I was just tryin' to tell a story here.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Look at all that money!
Blanche: Gosh, there's thousands.
Dorothy: Where did this come from?
Sophia: Rocco's bag.
Rose: Where did Rocco get all this money?
Sophia: I don't know, but the next time we go to the Colonel, I'm getting all white meat and a biscuit.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: I do not believe this. There are thousands here.
Dorothy: Ma, how could Rocco have this much money?
Sophia: I'm as confused as all of you. All I know was he had that satchel when he went to the bank this morning.
Rose: Sophia, maybe you better tell us exactly what happened.
Sophia: When we got to the bank, he told me to keep the motor running. And five minutes later, he ran out at top speed.
Dorothy: And did you ever think of asking him why he was running?
Sophia: No. The man is taking diuretics for a prostate problem. His whole life is a 50-yard dash.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: But, Dorothy, you have to admit, it was very touching what Rocco did for Sophia.
Dorothy: It would have been more touching if it hadn't been a felony.
Blanche: Still, it goes to show you, your hair may turn gray, your skin may wrinkle, but you're never too old for romance. So, don't give up, girls.


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