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‘Joust Between Friends’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Joust Between Friends

209. Joust Between Friends

Aired December 6, 1986

After Blanche gets Dorothy a job at her museum, she is jealous of how well her friend is settling in to her new job. Meanwhile, Rose takes care of a runaway dog.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, you couldn't sleep either, huh?
Blanche: No, I guess it's the knife in my back.
Dorothy: Come again?
Blanche: I wasn't going to say anything about this, Dorothy, but I won't be able to sleep until I do. I feel that you have backed me into a corner. And when I am backed into a corner, I come out fighting like a wild cat. Unless I've had too much to drink, in which case I slide down the wall and make mad, passionate love on the carpet.

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Quote from Sophia

Rose: [as dog] Bye, Auntie Blanche. Bye, Auntie Sophia.
Sophia: I don't know how she gets away with it. If she was my age she'd be locked up at Shady Pines making boats out of popsicle sticks.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: I know I promised to take him back to the pound yesterday, but he wasn't feeling well. Frankly, Dorothy, I'm a little worried.
Sophia: Don't be, it was a hangover.
Rose: What?
Sophia: A hangover from the sherry.
Dorothy: Ma, you gave the dog sherry? That's terrible.
Sophia: I was having a few sips while I was rinsing out my underwear. It's a little thing I do Mondays and Thursdays only. Anyway, the dog walks in, looks up at me, and I swear it's your Uncle Aldo's face begging me for a drink. So I give the mutt a swallow, but he doesn't know when to stop, also like your Uncle Aldo. So we sing a little Puccini, stretch out on the couch and take a nap together. All in all, a pleasant afternoon.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Well, as long as you're here, would you like a tour?
Sophia: No thanks. If I want to look at pictures, I go to FotoMatt. Besides, Rose brought me. She's waiting outside with the dog. Hey, you ever stick your head out of a car window doing 50? What a rush!

Quote from Sophia

Mr. Allen: Hello. And who do we have here?
Dorothy: This is my mother Sophia Petrillo. Ma, this is my boss Mr. Allen.
Mr. Allen: Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Petrillo. What brings you to our humble home?
Sophia: Is he gay?
Dorothy: Come on, honey, I'll walk you to the car.
Mr. Allen: Goodbye, Mrs. Petrillo. Sorry you didn't have an opportunity to experience our museum. I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition, a magnificent pair of Gauguins.
Sophia: What are you, a pervert? I was married for forty-five years, I never even saw my husband's Gauguins!

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Blanche, what the hell are you talking about?
Blanche: You stole the closing banquet of the only art show I've ever put together.
Dorothy: I did not steal your banquet. Mr. Allen assigned it to me.
Blanche: And why? Why should he give it to you and not to me? I'm the one who's been working there for five years. I'm the one who's been wearing low-cut blouses and picking up pencils off the floor. I'm the one he always gropes at the Christmas party.
Dorothy: And they picked Sandra Day O'Connor over you?

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Honey, are you sure you're going to be able to pretend to be surprised at that banquet?
Blanche: Oh, of course. I've pretended to be a virgin half a dozen times.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, well, look at the cute little puppy dog. Hello there, honey. He likes me. He must be a male.
Rose: Then you don't mind if he stays till I find his owner?
Blanche: Mind? Mind? Of course I mind. You can't keep that filthy beast in my house.
Rose: Well, I thought you said he was cute.
Blanche: Well, he is, but a dog belongs outdoors in his natural habitat where he's free to roam and lick himself in the privacy of his own doghouse.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: He won't be any trouble. I'll keep him in my room. You won't know he's here.
Blanche: OK, but we're not the only ones who live here. Dorothy has to say it's okay, too.
Rose: Oh, Thanks, Blanche.
Blanche: But if he lifts his leg in this house, I'm rubbing your nose in it.
Rose: That seems fair.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I've had it. I've just had it. In the past few days I have been turned down for every available part-time job in Dade County that didn't involved selling cocaine.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, it's just so unfair. They shouldn't be able to do this to a fine teacher like you.
Dorothy: Oh, it's part of the experimental year-round school system. Every teacher is required to take a ten-week leave and my ten weeks are now.
Sophia: This wouldn't have happened if you'd taken the job I wanted you to take.
Dorothy: Ma, you wanted me to be a nun.
Sophia: Right. It's steady work, they supply the uniform and you're married to God. At least he's home every night.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Now, Dorothy, don't be upset. The poor little thing was lost. He followed me home.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Rose. You drive to the market. How did he follow you home, in a taxi?

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Well, Dorothy knows a great deal about it. She studied in Rome and she lectured in Paris and she has a very keen eye for color and light and form. She's always the first one to compliment me on my wardrobe.
Mr. Allen: Obviously Blanche thinks very highly of you.
Dorothy: Yeah, she's dropping off my résumé at the Vatican this afternoon.
Mr. Allen: Pardon me?
Dorothy: Now, that's just a little joke to ease the tension of the moment.
Mr. Allen: Right. Right. I tried to think of something funny to say this afternoon when Art walked in on us. But standing there in my shorts, nothing came to mind.
Blanche: Mr Allen. Does Dorothy get the job?
Mr. Allen: Oh, sure. I don't care.
Dorothy: Thank you, Mr. Allen. I hope I live up to your expectations.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: How come you're dressed so early?
Dorothy: Oh, I told Mr. Allen I'd come in early today so I could get the press list information ready before lunch.
Blanche: Dorothy, you're such a treasure. I hope that man appreciates you. Why, you've only been there for a week and you already know almost as much about running a museum as I do.
Sophia: It's a museum. What's to know? You bang in a nail, you hang a picture. Any idiot could do that.
Dorothy: Stop bragging, Ma. You're only saying that cos I'm your daughter.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Ma, it's 8 o'clock in the morning, what are you doing with the sherry?
Sophia: Don't worry. I'm not gonna drink it. I was just going to hide it from the dog.
Dorothy: Ma, come on, you expect me to believe that?
[After Dorothy sets the bottle of sherry down on the kitchen table, the dog runs up and hops on a seat right in front of it]
Dorothy: Promise me you won't drive.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Dorothy, look who I found.
Dorothy: Ma. What are you doing here?
Sophia: I brought you your lunch. You left your lunch at home.
Dorothy: Oh, thank you. But you didn't have to come all the way down here.
Sophia: Ah, it gave me an excuse to put my teeth in.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: [answering phone] Hello. Dorothy isn't here. She was arrested on a morals charge this morning. Mmm-hmm. You just never know, do you? Have a nice day.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Ma, gimme a break. The Di-Gel's on the bottom shelf. [realizing it's the dog] You. Come on. That does it.
Come on, out. Come on. Out. Move it. Out. Right now. Come on, now, this isn't fair. Come on. Now, I'm not falling for those big sad eyes and floppy ears and wet nose. The last time I did, it ended in divorce. And Stan couldn't even catch a Frisbee in his teeth. Oh, listen. Honey, it's not a personal thing. Now, I don't hate you. As a matter of fact, I once had a dog. A schnauzer name Wa-Wa. Yeah, well, I know that sounds strange, but you see my daughter was only two when she named him during a walk. And I figured between that and Number One, Wa-Wa was the hands-down winner. Aw, he was the greatest dog in the world. Present company excluded. Oh, I loved that dog. He was always with me. I thought I'd never be able to get along without him. And one day he died. I cried for a week. And I decided then I would never ever go through that again. So, you see, it's not- Oh, my God. I just spilled my guts to someone who drinks out of a toilet. Listen, I'm sorry, you are out of here. One Wa-Wa in my life was enough.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Look, I have had it with that disgusting dog. I have tolerated him as long as I can. He has got to go.
Rose: But, Dorothy-
Dorothy: No "buts", Rose.
Rose: OK, I'll need a few more days.
Dorothy: Alright, a few more days and that is it. Get me a doggie bone.
Rose: I don't know, Dorothy. I don't think you deserve one.
Dorothy: Not for me. It's to lure that mutt out of my room.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Here's your mail.
Blanche: Why don't you just tell me what's in it?
Dorothy: What?
Blanche: Well, haven't you already steamed it open or held it up to the light?
Dorothy: Look, please, Blanche, I have a lot of work to get done before lunch.
Blanche: Well, please don't let little old ineffectual, insignificant me get between you and your work.
Dorothy: Thank you.
Blanche: After all, I wouldn't want to come between your lips and Mr Allen's behind.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Blanche.
Blanche: Eat dirt and die, trash.
Sophia: Just hold it right there, Blanche.
Dorothy: Look, you stay out of this, Ma.
Sophia: That banquet you're so mad about, they're throwing it in your honor.
Blanche: What?
Dorothy: Ma, I told you, it was a secret.
Sophia: Your secret, not mine.
Blanche: Is this true?
Dorothy: Yes, it is.
Sophia: And now you feel like the dirt you wanted my daughter to eat, I think I'll go into the kitchen and have a nice, hard candy.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Dorothy, I- I don't know what to say.
Dorothy: I understand, Blanche.
Blanche: Oh, no, you don't. See, I used to think I was a miracle worker, that nobody could do what I do at the museum. And then you came and learned my job in less than a week and I realized any idiot can do what I do.
Dorothy: And you were afraid you couldn't find the right words to apologize.
Blanche: There are no right words, Dorothy. Words cannot begin to ease the pain I've inflicted on you. But I want to do something to make it up to you. I want to give you something personal, something from the heart. The most beautiful thing I own, to the most beautiful person I know. Let me see, I guess that would be my emerald earrings. I'm sure as hell not gonna give you those. But I want to give you something special. Something personal. I know, how about a personal check for $75? And on the bottom I'm going to write, "Because I was a big fat jerk."
Dorothy: Blanche, I don't want your check.
Blanche: Dorothy, please, I am trying desperately to find some way to tell you I'm sorry.
Dorothy: OK, I will take the check but I'm not going to cash it. I'm going to keep it as a reminder for the next time you behave like a big fat jerk.


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