Blanche: Oh, Myrtle, thank goodness you got here. You're just the person we need to liven up this party. Do some of those impressions you're so good at.
Myrtle: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Blanche: Jimmy Swaggart, right? That's just wonderful. Do another one.
Myrtle: The last time I saw her she was fine. I didn't even know she was sick. What happened?
Blanche: Wait, don't tell me. Uh, Claus von Bulow?

Myrtle: I'm talking about Sophia. How did she die?
Blanche: What do you mean, how did she... Excuse me. Rose, listen, I want you to think now, very carefully. When you sent out those invitations, you did remember to tell everyone Sophia's really alive, didn't you?
Rose: Blanche, I'm offended. How dumb do you think I am? I put it... I made the freaking hors d'oeuvres. Leave me alone.

Sophia: Hey, everyone! [mourners screaming] Thanks for coming to my wake. What do you think of the dress? [women exclaiming] Well, excuse me for buying off the rack.

Myrtle: Sophia, is it really you? You're supposed to be dead.
Sophia: Hold that thought. Rose, you forgot to tell these people I was alive, didn't you?
Rose: And I made the freaking punch, and I made the freaking decorations.

Blanche: Oh, I'm so sorry, Sophia. But, you know, the important thing is they all came. And And, when they thought you were dead, they were real sad. Now that counts for somethin'.
Sophia: I guess you're right. But I still wish my wake hadn't been such a disaster.
Rose: Well, look on the bright side. You'll have another one.

Dorothy: I don't understand what you're so upset about.
Blanche: The Rusty Anchor is my place, damn it. Not yours.
Dorothy: Blanche, you were the one who begged me to come down here. You were the one who told me to get a life.
Blanche: Well, I didn't mean mine! I didn't know you were gonna come in here and just take my place away from me. I would never do that to you, Dorothy. Do you see me going down to sing at the library? Well, do you?

Blanche: Dorothy, what are you doing?
Dorothy: I'm watching Amazing Discoveries. Look at that. The thing just shucks the corn off the cob. It just shucks it off.

Blanche: I cannot watch you spend one more night like this. You're coming with me to the Rusty Anchor.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, I told you, I am so uncomfortable with strangers.
Blanche: Now, now, don't blame yourself. They're just as uncomfortable with you.

Blanche: And speaking of being touched, it's nickel beer night at the Rusty Anchor. I'm gonna get my purse, you get changed, 'cause we're goin'.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, what if no one there wants to talk to me? What if nobody asks me to dance?
Blanche: Now, Dorothy, think, if there's somebody out there who is willin' to dance with a corpse, there's somebody willin' to dance with you.

Ron: Hey, you don't happen to sing, do you?
Dorothy: What makes you think that I- I sing, or would even want to? I mean, you know, some people might enjoy making fools of themselves in public, but, uh... Me, singing? I- I don't think so.
Ron: You sing, don't you?
Dorothy: A little.
Ron: Great. Uh, how about some Irving Berlin? Blue Skies? Always?
Dorothy: Maybe... Maybe some other time.
Ron: What'll I Do?
Dorothy: D flat is good for me.