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‘Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding?’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding?

102. Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding?

Aired September 21, 1985

Dorothy is upset at the prospect of seeing her ex-husband, Stan, after their daughter announces she is getting married.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: You walked out on me and you didn't have the decency to tell me you were leaving. I heard it from some lawyer over the telephone. A stranger, Stanley, a total stranger, told me that my marriage was over.
Stan: Dorothy, look, things happened.
Dorothy: Things happened? You're damn right things happened. Thirty-eight years happened. Thirty-eight years of sharing and crying and dreaming and fighting and loving and children and diapers and school plays and Little League. And worrying if you'd get through your gallbladder surgery. And wondering if I'd get through another Sunday dinner at your mother's house. And the lean years, when the business failed. And the good years, and the happy Christmases. All those things happened, Stanley. And because they happened, I deserved better than a stinking phone call from my husband's legal representative. You had a choice, Stanley, and you took the easy way out. And it was a rotten thing to do! But now you're here in front of me and you can't run away. And I finally get to have what you tried to cheat me out of. I finally get to say goodbye, Stanley.
Stan: Look, Dorothy, we-
Dorothy: I said goodbye, Stanley.

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Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Relax honey. I just want to get it all out of my system before he gets here. Now go ahead, call him.
Kate: I'll call him. You talk to him.
Dorothy: All right. If I can get through an entire wedding with him, I should be able to handle a simple phone conversation with that yellow-bellied sleazeball! [on the phone] Hello, Stan? Dorothy. Dorothy Zbornak The one who gave you the best years of her thighs. Yes, I'm fine, fine. Yeah, it has been a long time. Yeah, well, you know, after two years, I figured you weren't coming back. No, I'll tell you the reason I'm calling you, Kate is getting married. Yes, married. Yes, yes, in a few days, and I'm giving her a little wedding here in Miami and I wanted to invite you. Can you come? You can? Great. Oh, Chrissy can't, oh- Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, really? No, I didn't know that could happen from a tanning machine. Oh, she'll be thrilled to see you too! She's standing right here. Hold on.
Blanche: Dorothy, you were magnificent!
Rose: Oh, you certainly were! How did you do it?
Dorothy: I just kept telling myself that once he was here, he'd be close enough to kill.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, flowers! Oh, my! You know, your father used to bring me tulips every time we had a fight. Toward the end, our place looked like Easter in Rotterdam.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Well, a podiatrist. Well, that's a very fascinating profession. Tell me, Dennis, approximately how many feet do you see in a week?
Dennis: Between my partners and me, we see quite a few.
Blanche: Oh, it's a partnership.
Rose: Have you ever met Dr. Scholl?

Quote from Sophia

Kate: Uh Grandma, why don't you come with me and Daddy.
Stan: Come on, Sophia. It'll be fun. We can catch up with old times.
Sophia: No, we can't. I had a stroke. Luckily, my memories of you were wiped out!

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Oh, she's really upset. We better keep an eye on her.
Blanche: You're right. We better stick to her like a tight shirt on a sweaty farmhand! You know the type, with the big biceps and the hairy chest, just glistening in the hot sun... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Blanche, don't you think it's time we cut the cake?
Blanche: Oh, yes, I do, Rose!
Sophia: Who invited the priest? You know I can't cut loose with a priest around.
Rose: Sophia, he happens to be a very nice man.
Sophia: He gives me the creeps. He's been following me. They always follow the old people. It's like parking tickets. They got a last rites quota.
The Priest: Sophia, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.
Sophia: Buzz off, Padre.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Oh, my God! Give me that knife!
Dorothy: What are you doing?
Rose: I can't let you go through with this! Do you want to spend the rest of your life rotting away in some disgusting jail cell, bribing screws for cigarettes and toilet paper?
Dorothy: Rose, in Miami, it is not a felony to cut the wedding cake!
Rose: Cut the wedd... Oh, I thought you were gonna stab Stan.
Dorothy: Don't be ridiculous! I mean, do you honestly believe I would stab Stan at my own daughter's wedding?
Rose: Oh, no, I guess not.
Dorothy: Well, of course not! I would wait until after the wedding. There are too many witnesses.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: You're acting like a jerk.
Dorothy: Thanks, Ma. Thanks. That really makes me feel a lot better.
Sophia: Don't get smart with your mother! Listen, Dorothy, I love you dearly, but you're not the first woman to be dumped by her husband.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, Ma, it's not what he did. I mean, I've learned to live with that. It's the way he did it. The least he could have done was tell me to my face.
Sophia: If you're so angry with him, tell him. You don't have to kill him.
Dorothy: I know. But I want to.
Sophia: Dorothy, anger is a lot like a piece of shredded wheat caught under your dentures. If you leave it there, you get a blister and you gotta eat Jell-O all week. If you get rid of it, the sore heals, and you feel better.
Dorothy: Anger is like a piece of shredded wheat?
Sophia: You want poetry, you listen to Neil Diamond. You want good advice? You listen to your mother.
Dorothy: Maybe you're right.
Sophia: Of course I'm right. You think I got this old by being stupid?
Dorothy: You know, you're the greatest mother in the world.
Sophia: Tell me something I don't know.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, great, great, wonderful! My daughter is lost! Oh, I'm just terrible at giving directions!
Blanche: Dorothy, I gave Kate the directions over the phone.
Dorothy: And who are you, Rand McNally? You couldn't make a mistake?
Rose: Shall I set this down someplace?
Dorothy: No, Rose, go to the corner and open a stand!

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm so anxious about meeting this guy that Kate's bringing.
Rose: Do you think it's serious?
Dorothy: Well, they've been together now for six months. That's the longest she's been interested in any man since Paul McCartney.
Rose: Kate dated Paul McCartney?
Dorothy: Yes, Rose. They wanted to get engaged, but I insisted that she finish grade school.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy, do you know anything about this boy's family background?
Dorothy: All I know is that he's a doctor.
Blanche: A doctor! Well, the heck with his background! Do you have any idea how much a doctor makes these days?
Dorothy: No, I really don't care what he does for a living. I mean, the important thing is that he and Kate have a good relationship. 'course if they happen to get married, I will shout from every rooftop in Miami, "My son-in-law's a doctor!"

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I can't find my culottes!
Kate: Grandma, you look sensational!
Sophia: Relax, relax, you're already in the will!

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, all right, honey. Your wedding day should be the most beautiful day of your life. And if you want to invite your father, I'm willing to keep the peace.
Kate: Promise?
Dorothy: Promise. Then it's settled. Now call your father and tell the dirt bag he can come.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I can't believe Stan has the nerve to show his face at this wedding!
Sophia: The man has a right to see his daughter get married!
Dorothy: I never should have called him.
Sophia: You never should have married him!

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Hi, hi, hi!
Dorothy: Oh, hi, Blanche.
Blanche: Are my little wedding elves still busy packing their tiny bundles?
Dorothy: Wedding elves.
Sophia: It's that cheap hair dye she uses. It finally ate through!

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Let's get to the point. Dennis, what do you take home a week?
Dorothy: Ma!

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, Dennis, it's going to be a pleasure welcoming you into our little family! And I just hope that you and Kate have all the happiness in the world!
Sophia: Me too. And maybe one of your children will be a real doctor!

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Hi, it was really- [Dorothy slams the door; doorbell rings] Dorothy, it's Stan. Didn't you recognize me?
Dorothy: Of course I recognized you. That's why I slammed the door in your face.
Stan: Still the jokester, huh, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Yes. And speaking of jokes, Stan, that is some toupee you've got.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Oh, Rose. I'd like you to meet my ex-husband, Stan Zbornak.
Rose: Hello.
Dorothy: And this is his hair.
Rose: It's a pleasure to meet you both.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Hello. Who invited Donny Osmond?
Dorothy: Ma, this is Stan.
Stan: Hello, Sophia. It's the hair. It makes me look different.
Sophia: It makes you look stupid.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: And I'm not saying this because she is my daughter, but she was the best Abraham Lincoln the third grade ever saw. No, when she freed the second grade, there was not a dry eye in the house.
Dennis: Somehow I just can't picture Kate as Abraham Lincoln.
Dorothy: Oh, Stan, do me a favor? Take off your hair and hold it up to Kate's chin.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Listen, I have some pictures. Take a look at that stretch of beach, huh? That's our house. That's Chrissy on a new Hobie Cat. That's Chrissy in a hot tub. That's me and Chrissy at a luau.
Dorothy: Is she the one with the apple in her mouth?
Kate: Ma!
Dorothy: You know, she looks pretty good for being in the ground for two hours.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Have you ever met a man who knows how to push all your buttons?
Blanche: Just once. He was a cabana boy in Pensacola.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Honey, we just saw Stanley leaving. Are you all right?
Dorothy: I'm fine.
Rose: I wouldn't be fine! I don't know what I'd have done if Charlie had suddenly paid a visit!
Sophia: He's dead! You would have fainted!

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Are you- Are you really all right?
Dorothy: I'm feeling a little better.
Blanche: And tomorrow you're gonna feel a lot better.
Sophia: And the next day, maybe better still.
Rose: And the next day, maybe-
Blanche: That's right. And then one day, Stanley's gonna be out of your life completely.
Dorothy: Not completely. There will always be a little part of him that stays with me.
Rose: Of course, Dorothy. After 38 years, there are always bound to be some memories that stay with you.
Dorothy: I wasn't talking about memories. I was talking about this. [holds up Stan's toupee]


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