Blanche: [answering phone] Hello. Morty. Threw your back out putting your boots on? You're in traction? Oh, I guess this means you're gonna be a little late? Oh, all right. [hangs up] Well, can you believe that? Because of one little slipped disc, Morty is not taking me to the barbecue.
Dorothy: What a shame. You'll miss the foot-stomping version of "Sunrise, Sunset."
Blanche: You know, this kind of thing has been happening to me a lot lately. I think it's because I'm going out with men who are too old for me. In the last year my average date has been over 60, bald, covered in liver spots and wears a truss.
Sophia: Sounds good to me.

Sophia: Where's Blanche?
Dorothy: She said to save her a seat. She saw a man smiling at her out in the hall.
Sophia: Everybody's smiling here. I haven't seen so many goofy smiles since the great denture swap at Shady Pines.

Dorothy: It's nice that you two have worked out your differences.
Blanche: I think the problem with him before was that he was on the rebound from Karen, but now that he's gotten over her, he's all mine, and I think we appreciate each other more. Everything old and familiar has become new and exciting.
Dorothy: That's nice. Maybe I should look up one of my old flames.
Sophia: Yeah, but not Stan. The other one.

Dorothy: I have some incredible news!
Sophia: You've been traded to the Rams?
Dorothy: Do you know that nasty butcher down at the deli?
Rose: The little guy with four fingers?
Dorothy: That's him. I don't know, but every time I order roast beef, he cheats me. I don't know how he does it. I stand and watch as he slices a big, juicy roast beef, but when I get home, I find these crummy, little, hard pieces, you know, from the end? Anyway, today I went in with a positive attitude. I told myself, "This man is my friend and I know he is going to give me a good cut of meat." Look.
Rose: It's a miracle!
Sophia: Oh, great. Pilgrims are gonna be showing up to kiss Dorothy's luncheon meat.

Rose: Well, Blanche, if something bad happened to somebody I care about, I'd be over in a shot.
Blanche: Well, I do care about him. I just have some things I have to do.
Dorothy: Like what?
Blanche: Look, I'm trying to keep this relationship casual. If I go to that hospital, I'm in and there's no getting out.
Rose: Don't be silly. All you do is follow the orange line down the middle of the hallways. They lead right to the elevators.

Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, is everything all right?
Blanche: Steven's back with his old girlfriend.
Rose: Are you OK?
Blanche: Oh, yeah. I'm fine. I guess I learned a little bit about missed opportunities and how sometimes you have to take chances. But all is not lost. I met a new man in the next bed. He's recently broken up with his wife, and the good news is he has the heart of a 25-year-old.
Dorothy: Hey, that's great.
Blanche: Yeah. As long as his body doesn't reject it.

Dorothy: Actually, we're not newcomers. We're just observing.
Mary Ellen: You must have a fear of committing.
Sophia: She had no problem committing me.
Dorothy: Look, joining a group, particularly a group like this, just isn't my thing.
Mary Ellen: I see. So, your thing is sitting on the sidelines and playing the cynic, bursting a child's balloon so he'll learn about the harshness of life early, pointing out what's wrong with the world rather than what's right about it.
Sophia: That sounds good. Where can we sign up for that group?

Dorothy: Blanche, why are you dressed like that?
Blanche: Because I am going to an authentic Texas-style barbecue, and my date is a real-life cowboy.
Dorothy: Morty Fishbein is a real-life cowboy?
Blanche: He's from Amarillo, Texas. He was the grand marshal of the B'nai B'rith rodeo for three years straight.

Dorothy: Rose, you're even more relentlessly cheerful than usual.
Rose: Thank you. It's because I've joined this group. They teach you positive thinking to bring health, success and love into your life. There's a meeting tonight. Wanna come?
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, come on. Forget it. This is just a fad. This is for gullible people who believe in magic.
Rose: Dorothy, you're not very open-minded.
Dorothy: I am so. Now shut up.

Mary Ellen: Welcome to Create Your Own Miracles. My name is Mary Ellen.
All: Hi, Mary Ellen.
Mary Ellen: You're special. You're special too, and do you know why? Because you're you, and there is nobody else like you in the whole world. Do you understand that?
Dorothy: Only an idiot wouldn't understand that.
Rose: Mary Ellen, I'm completely lost. Could you run that by me again?