Sophia: [doorbell rings] Doorbell! [doorbell rings] Doorbell!
Dorothy: Ma, what is the matter with you? Can't you answer the door?
Sophia: My butt's asleep, and you know, I'm kinda gettin' into it.

Blanche: Sophia, this is serious, honey. According to this book, if Rose doesn't confront Dr. Norgan, she could take her hostilities out on us.
Sophia: Tunnels. He loved to drive through tunnels.

Dorothy: Ah, I see some people have already signed your cast.
Kevin: Uh, yeah. Some of the guys from the team. Uh, are you signing it?
Dorothy: Correcting it. There is no K in victory. Oh, yeah, and we'll just change this to: "Ms. Zbornak eats shiitake mushrooms."

Blanche: Oh, Sophia. Thank you, honey. How perfectly lovely.
Sophia: Well, I was boiling water anyway to shrink the cyst on my backside. I figured, "What the hell? I'll throw in a tea bag and make myself a hero."

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out the door.
Dorothy: Ma, you have relatives who threw priests out of windows.
Sophia: That was business.

Dorothy: Ma, this is Nick Odlivak, the football coach.
Sophia: I never thought I'd say this, Dorothy, but I think you can do better.

Sophia: Dorothy, you're home from school.
Dorothy: Aw, Ma, do you realize you've said the same thing to me just that way ever since I was in the third grade. It's sweet.
Sophia: It's not sweet, it's pathetic. 52 years and you never stopped off anywhere. Get a life!

Blanche: Dorothy, you're a substitute. Your job isn't actually to teach.
Dorothy: Then what is it?
Blanche: To keep the kids from burning the school down before the other teacher gets back.

Dorothy: No, normally, you'd be right. But this class knows that I'm filling in for the whole semester. I must say it's really nice having the same class every day and watching them grow and learn. And of course, they're not trying any of that usual substitute shenanigans.
Sophia: Is that "kick me hard" sign a fashion statement?

Dorothy: Oh, no, this isn't what you think. No, this isn't because I'm a substitute. This is because I am flunking the star of the football team, and he's not gonna be able to play on Saturday.
Sophia: Oh, what a relief. I thought you were the brunt of a joke. Turns out they really hate you. Dorothy, why don't you pass the kid so he can play? I doubt if The Canterbury Tales is gonna come up in a huddle.