TV Quotes

Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, you did a pretty good job focusing this for Rose. And for me. I have to admit, you would have made a very good psychologist.
Sophia: Great idea, Pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour.

Blanche: Do I smell aftershave?
Dorothy: The coach was here, trying to get me to compromise my principles.
Blanche: I don't see what the big deal is about passing this boy. Why, in my neck of the woods, they practically gave grades away.
Dorothy: Blanche, in your neck of the woods, men named Bubba get into law school.

Dorothy: Father, this is my mother, Sophia Petrillo, my roommate, Blanche Devereaux.
Blanche: Hello.
Father O'Mara: Blanche Devereaux? I've heard quite a bit about you.
Blanche: All good, I hope.
Father O'Mara: I'm sorry, I can't reveal things learned in confession. But it's nice to match the name up with a face.

Sophia: So did you teach anybody anything today?
Dorothy: Well, I tried but it seems none of the kids are interested in learning how to diagram sentences. I really don't get it. Am I the only one who thinks diagramming sentences is fun?
Sophia: You talk like this on dates, don't you?

Sophia: Blanche, I'm trying to decide what to get Dorothy for her birthday. What do you think about this? "Good looking single white male seeks fun times on a regular basis."
Blanche: Well, it's something she doesn't have.

Blanche: How could he do a thing like that?
Dorothy: Believe me, just because men in the medical profession wear white, does not mean that they're angels.
Blanche: He did something horrible and unethical, and he has to answer for it. We are gonna find out who the proper authorities are, and you're gonna lodge a formal complaint.
Rose: I wish men would have breasts just for one day. Then they'd know what it's like to be judged by some physical trait. I mean, just because I'm built like this, you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb.
Sophia: Rose, you're too hard on yourself. I know people who think you're dumb over the phone.

Sophia: [doorbell rings] Doorbell! [doorbell rings] Doorbell!
Dorothy: Ma, what is the matter with you? Can't you answer the door?
Sophia: My butt's asleep, and you know, I'm kinda gettin' into it.

Rose: But there are other considerations. What if I were wrong? The last time I had courage, I confronted Lukan Ulfnooner, St. Olaf's moodiest plastic surgeon.
Dorothy: Thank you very much, Rose. That was a great story.
Rose: Nice try, Dorothy. Anyway, Doctor Ulfnooner did some work on my mom. And do you know who she came out looking like? Raymond Massey.
Dorothy: Rose, that's terrible.
Rose: Well, that's what I thought when I accused him of malpractice and ruined his business. Unfortunately, little did I know...
Blanche: Know what, Rose?
Rose: That was the look she was going for.

Blanche: Rose, just because you had one bad experience doesn't mean you shouldn't confront Dr. Norgan. Now, you were taken advantage of.
Rose: Blanche, I was groggy. And I'm not 100% sure he did it. And as far as being taken advantage of, look who's talking.
Blanche: I beg your pardon. Why, when I submit to a man's advances, it is with my consent. A woman has the option to say no. Honey, you weren't given that option. You were given nitrous oxide!
Sophia: By the way, Blanche, when did you ever say no?
Blanche: Did I say there was going to be a question and answer period after I spoke?

Sophia: What's going on?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche is telling me about Freud.
Sophia: Why you asking her? I'm the one who slept with him.

Blanche: Sophia, this is serious, honey. According to this book, if Rose doesn't confront Dr. Norgan, she could take her hostilities out on us.
Sophia: Tunnels. He loved to drive through tunnels.

Dorothy: Kevin, what're you gonna do when you're out in the world competing with young men who have applied themselves? Like Ralph Zaldin. You know, the boy whose underpants you turned into a hat yesterday after school?
Kevin: Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Ms. Zbornak, but Ralph Zaldin's a geek.
Dorothy: Oh, a student pays attention, works hard, gets good grades. Does that make him a geek?
Kevin: No, that makes him a dork. A geek is more like, you know, somebody with no friends, stays home every Saturday night, nose always buried in a book.
Dorothy: [to Sophia] One word out of you and I cut off your supply of Metamucil.

Dorothy: Ah, I see some people have already signed your cast.
Kevin: Uh, yeah. Some of the guys from the team. Uh, are you signing it?
Dorothy: Correcting it. There is no K in victory. Oh, yeah, and we'll just change this to: "Ms. Zbornak eats shiitake mushrooms."

Sophia: Dorothy, you're home from school.
Dorothy: Aw, Ma, do you realize you've said the same thing to me just that way ever since I was in the third grade. It's sweet.
Sophia: It's not sweet, it's pathetic. 52 years and you never stopped off anywhere. Get a life!

Blanche: Dorothy, you're a substitute. Your job isn't actually to teach.
Dorothy: Then what is it?
Blanche: To keep the kids from burning the school down before the other teacher gets back.

Dorothy: No, normally, you'd be right. But this class knows that I'm filling in for the whole semester. I must say it's really nice having the same class every day and watching them grow and learn. And of course, they're not trying any of that usual substitute shenanigans.
Sophia: Is that "kick me hard" sign a fashion statement?

Dorothy: Oh, no, this isn't what you think. No, this isn't because I'm a substitute. This is because I am flunking the star of the football team, and he's not gonna be able to play on Saturday.
Sophia: Oh, what a relief. I thought you were the brunt of a joke. Turns out they really hate you. Dorothy, why don't you pass the kid so he can play? I doubt if The Canterbury Tales is gonna come up in a huddle.

Dorothy: Now, look, I want you both to know that I don't enjoy failing anybody. Especially this kid. But he's lazy.
In his book report on A Tale of Two Cities, he said he liked them both, but he really prefers Minneapolis, 'cause that's where Prince is from.

Rose: I just got back from having my teeth worked on.
Dorothy: Oh, what was it, a wisdom tooth? [all laughing]
Rose: My dentist touched me. I think he felt my breast.
Blanche: Oh, Rose, that's terrible.
Dorothy: What happened?
Rose: Well, when the nitrous oxide wore off, and my head began to clear, Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat, but I think he was up to more than that.
Dorothy: Well, why, Rose? I mean, what gave you that idea?
Rose: I don't think "wowee-wow-wow-wow" is a medical term.

Dorothy: Ma, this is Nick Odlivak, the football coach.
Sophia: I never thought I'd say this, Dorothy, but I think you can do better.