TV Quotes

Sophia: Dorothy, you're home from school.
Dorothy: Aw, Ma, do you realize you've said the same thing to me just that way ever since I was in the third grade. It's sweet.
Sophia: It's not sweet, it's pathetic. 52 years and you never stopped off anywhere. Get a life!

Blanche: Dorothy, you're a substitute. Your job isn't actually to teach.
Dorothy: Then what is it?
Blanche: To keep the kids from burning the school down before the other teacher gets back.

Dorothy: No, normally, you'd be right. But this class knows that I'm filling in for the whole semester. I must say it's really nice having the same class every day and watching them grow and learn. And of course, they're not trying any of that usual substitute shenanigans.
Sophia: Is that "kick me hard" sign a fashion statement?

Dorothy: Oh, no, this isn't what you think. No, this isn't because I'm a substitute. This is because I am flunking the star of the football team, and he's not gonna be able to play on Saturday.
Sophia: Oh, what a relief. I thought you were the brunt of a joke. Turns out they really hate you. Dorothy, why don't you pass the kid so he can play? I doubt if The Canterbury Tales is gonna come up in a huddle.

Dorothy: Now, look, I want you both to know that I don't enjoy failing anybody. Especially this kid. But he's lazy.
In his book report on A Tale of Two Cities, he said he liked them both, but he really prefers Minneapolis, 'cause that's where Prince is from.

Rose: I just got back from having my teeth worked on.
Dorothy: Oh, what was it, a wisdom tooth? [all laughing]
Rose: My dentist touched me. I think he felt my breast.
Blanche: Oh, Rose, that's terrible.
Dorothy: What happened?
Rose: Well, when the nitrous oxide wore off, and my head began to clear, Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat, but I think he was up to more than that.
Dorothy: Well, why, Rose? I mean, what gave you that idea?
Rose: I don't think "wowee-wow-wow-wow" is a medical term.

Dorothy: Ma, this is Nick Odlivak, the football coach.
Sophia: I never thought I'd say this, Dorothy, but I think you can do better.

Dorothy: Look, that's my decision. Goodbye, Coach.
Coach Odlivak: All right, all right, all right. I'll tell you what. I'll sweeten the pot. You let Kevin play this weekend, and I'll take you out Saturday night.
Dorothy: You haven't read The Art of the Deal, have you, Coach?

Blanche: Honey, did you make the call?
Rose: Blanche, I appreciate you giving me the dental examiner's number, but when I thought about actually filing a report-
Blanche: Rose, people like your dentist count on their victims to back down. Honey, you have to have courage.
Dorothy: Rose, this is not unusual. In most cases when a person is molested, it's by a friend or a relative. Someone they know.

Blanche: Oh, Sophia. Thank you, honey. How perfectly lovely.
Sophia: Well, I was boiling water anyway to shrink the cyst on my backside. I figured, "What the hell? I'll throw in a tea bag and make myself a hero."

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out the door.
Dorothy: Ma, you have relatives who threw priests out of windows.
Sophia: That was business.

Dorothy: A fish wrapped in newspaper.
Sophia: Oh, my God! Dorothy, you know what this means?
Dorothy: White wine with dinner?
Sophia: Do I look like I'm laughing? Here, read this note.
Dorothy: "If Kevin Kelly doesn't play in Saturday's game, Dorothy Z. sleeps with the fishes."

Blanche: Rose, you obviously had a very traumatic childhood. I need to hear your whole life. I want you to start at the beginning and tell me your first memory.
Dorothy: Ma, I'm sorry. I didn't want your last days to be like this.

Blanche: Close your eyes and think back. What do you see?
Rose: A cow. A chicken, a goat, a lamb, a rooster- No, two roosters. A pig. There's a man with a gun. He lifts the gun up into the air. He shoots it and they're off. The pig takes the lead, the chicken is in second place, the roosters are neck and neck, right on the tail of the chicken. They're going down the back stretch-
Dorothy: Rose, Rose, Rose. Rose, before the menagerie rounds the clubhouse turn, you have to make the decision to confront Dr. Norgan.

Sophia: You're not alone. I have trouble confronting people.
Dorothy: Yeah, right, Ma. Like just the other day when you made the butcher cry.
Sophia: The man wouldn't trim the fat. What choice did I have?

Dorothy: Well, at least I stood up for my principles.
Sophia: This is the proudest I've been of you in my whole life.
Dorothy: Thanks, Ma.
Sophia: Can you believe it? My whole life and this is the proudest I've ever been. I'm depressed. I need a cookie.

Rose: You touched me. You fondled me. Didn't you?
Dr. Norgan: Rose, this happens to dentists all the time. A side effect of the anesthesia can be hallucinations, fantasy. It's like a dream. I probably brushed up against you and in your woozy state-
Rose: Oh, I am so sorry.
Dr. Norgan: It's all right, Rose. Well, listen, what do you say we take a look at that crown.
Rose: Oh, you must hate me.
Dr. Norgan: Rose, I don't hate you. You're a friend. A nice person. I look forward to our times together.
Rose: [mumbles]
Dr. Norgan: You truly are a considerate, compassionate, understanding woman. Lovely woman. Delicate. Innocent. Enchanting. Wowee-wow-wow-wow.
Rose: Stand back. I'm not afraid to use this.
Dr. Norgan: Rose, what are you doing?
Rose: Oh, darn you! I believed you. I even apologized to you.
Dr. Norgan: Rose, I forgot myself. It will never happen again.
Rose: You're damn right it won't happen again. Not to me or to anybody else. I'm reporting you to the State Dental Board.
Dr. Norgan: Rose!
Rose: There's just one more thing before I go.
Dr. Norgan: What?
Rose: [firing hose] Dance.

Kevin: Come in. Oh, no. You're not a substitute nurse too, are you?
Dorothy: I'm sorry about your knee. You know, you wouldn't have been blindsided if you'd stayed in the pocket.
Kevin: You know football?
Dorothy: I know everything.

Kevin: Listen, if you're feeling guilty about not influencing my life, don't. People have been trying to get me to be serious for years.
Dorothy: We made a deal. You promised me that I could tutor you once football season was over, and it looks like it is.
Kevin: Yeah, but this isn't exactly fair. I can't move.
Dorothy: I know. I know. It'll be like teaching fish in a barrel. Shall I begin?
Kevin: Do I have a choice?
Dorothy: Well, you could push the call button, but I'll be done with the book by the time the nurse gets here. So, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Good stuff, huh? "It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity. It was the season of Light."