Dorothy: Honey, what happened?
Blanche: Well, I was in my aerobics class when I noticed this gorgeous man checking me out. So during the buttocks lifts, he motioned for my number. Well, I didn't wanna appear easy, so I rolled over on my back and flung my legs over my head.
Sophia: That's what I call giving him the brush-off.

Michael: Mom, this is the best breakfast I've had in ages.
Sophia: Me, too. When we're alone, she feeds me lumpy oatmeal and black bananas.

Dorothy: Honey, how's your back?
Blanche: Terrible.
Sophia: What did the doctor say?
Blanche: Well, after saying I am the most spectacular specimen of the female anatomy he has seen since Miss Julie Newmar. He said I have a back problem.
Dorothy: Thank God you went to a specialist.
Blanche: He said no activity for a week. I have to wear a corset and stay on my back with my legs elevated.
Sophia: That's the same thing you did last Saturday.

Dorothy: It's not that we don't get on. It's just that we think differently. I think he should settle down and find a job. He thinks he should be travelling over the country, trying to find himself.
Blanche: Maybe what Michael needs is a little exposure.
Rose: Exposure to what?
Dorothy: To plutonium, Rose.

Dorothy: Well, I remember the first time I felt I was getting older. I was visiting my daughter in New York. She had one of those old, walk-up apartment, five flights up. Oh, it got harder and harder each year to climb those stairs. And finally, one year, I couldn't make it without stopping. Boy, it depressed me for weeks.
Blanche: Oh, my God. Is that what I have to look forward to, 15 years from now?

Sophia: In Sicily, everything is set up. Dates, marriage, death. Especially death. That's why whenever I go into a restaurant, I sit with my back to the wall. Except any diner in Newark, where if you're against the wall, you stick.

Dorothy: Michael Zbornak, you get out of that bed right now.
Michael: Believe me, Mom, I'd like to. But in light of the fact my clothes are hanging on the doorknob, I don't think it's such a good idea.
Rose: Oh, my God. They're naked.
Dorothy: People usually are in this situation, Rose.
Blanche: Unless they're all dressed up in costumes. Sorry.

Michael: Grandma, listen.
Sophia: You, listen. How dare you come into our home and act like a common gigolo? You've embarrassed me, your mother, our friends. Not to mention that poor, stupid, flat-chested girl. You've broken my heart. I'm ashamed to call you my grandson.

Rose: Oh, sorry. I guess I'm still in shock. I've never seen Bridget in bed with a man before. Except Raggedy Andy.

Dorothy: What do you mean she is too good for him?
Rose: Well, he doesn't even have a job.
Blanche: Well, neither does Henry Kissinger but he's still highly regarded.