Dorothy: Blanche, I didn't know you went out. Are you coming back from a date?
Blanche: You know, Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel.
Dorothy: Honey, If you didn't have a date, how come you're so dressed up?
Blanche: Well, I sat down and tried to think of a surefire place to meet men. It was so obvious I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before. The hardware store. I mean, hardware stores are alive with sexual energy. Tools, plugs, sockets, nude furniture, dirty stuff like that.
Sophia: Why are you home so early?
Blanche: Well, I saw a very attractive man in power tools. I piqued his interest with the usual hardware questions. "Where does this go?" "What does this do?" And he followed me to plumbing, where I bought a see-through shower curtain.
Dorothy: And, uh, where is he now? Tied to the roof rack of your car?
Blanche: No, there was something about him that turned me off. I think it was the way he cleaned his ears with his keys.

Dorothy: Honey, you know, anybody would feel out of her league in a room full of college professors. You should have a home field advantage. Why don't you invite him over here?
Blanche: Dorothy's right. We can create the illusion that you're interestin'.
Sophia: That's a hell of an illusion. Maybe we should just saw her in half.

Rose: You girls were right about getting Miles on my turf. Oh, Blanche, and I'm really grateful for you steering the table talk to things I know about.
Blanche: Well, you ought to be. It wasn't that easy working natural fertilizer into the dinner conversation.

Sophia: Come on, Rose, why aren't you ready?
Rose: I'm not going.
Sophia: How come?
Rose: Miles might be there, and I don't know.
Dorothy: Oh, now, Rose, don't say you're going to feel stupid. You are not stupid. You just march to a different drummer.
Sophia: Yeah, the little windup monkey banging on the snare drum.

Miles: Oh, listen to that music. Who says you can't go home again?
Rose: Canute Trollsted. You see, he took Ilse Frickerdeller up to Smooch Point to play hide the fingerborg. That's a thimble. Well, Ilse sat on his compass, and they got so lost they walked to Finland, and that's when Canute said, "You can't go home again."
Miles: Well, that's very, uh-
Rose: Stupid!

Rose: Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.
Dorothy: I wanna know exactly what he's said to make you feel that way.

Rose: What if Miles and I are dancing and I say something idiotic?
Blanche: Just breathe it in his ear. Nothing sounds idiotic if it's wet enough.

Rose: Dorothy, I really need you there. I need your shoulder in case he takes his away.
Dorothy: Oh, all right, I'll go. Ma, where are my dancing shoes?
Sophia: In the Smithsonian, right next to Fred Astaire's. How the hell would I know?

Rose: Blanche, you coming with us?
Blanche: Oh, you're kidding. Of course.
Rose: Oh, you'll love it.
Blanche: Oh! Nothing personal, honey, but those places are meant for desperate, hopeless people who can't find someone any other way.
Rose: Well, if you're sure.
Blanche: I'd rather be tied to a tree covered in honey and have a family of grizzlies lick it off. Why do I torture myself like this? Girls, wait for me!

Blanche: Dorothy, this is Alfred. He's an ear, nose and throat specialist. He says he's been lookin' for love in all the wrong places.