Rose: I should've known this was gonna happen. You should never work with friends. You're fired.
Blanche: You can't fire me. That's against the law. That's sex discrimination.
Rose: Oh. Well, I'll give you one more chance. Wait a minute! How is it sex discrimination?
Blanche: Well, that's what I was doing this afternoon when I didn't get this work done.

Dorothy: OK, Ma, if this is what you really want to do...
Sophia: It's not what I want to do, it's what I have to do. Dorothy, today is my anniversary, and I barely remember getting married. You know, I hate getting old. You always seem to be losing something. First it's your eyesight. Then people are telling you to turn down the TV set when you can barely hear it. And you could live with that. But this? They're trying to take something from me that I just won't give. I can't let this happen, Dorothy. I can't lose my Sal. Not again.

Dorothy: Ma. Ma, Mr. Hernandez has to go.
Man: [opens closet door] I'm meeting the wife and kids. We are going ice-skating.
Sophia: Dorothy! Oh, my God! Can you believe it?
Man: Hey, Puerto Ricans can ice-skate! Jeez!
Sophia: Dorothy! Dorothy, look! It's the carving. See? "Sal loves Sophia."
Dorothy: Oh, Ma!
Man: You're Sophia?
Sophia: That's right. And I remembered. I mixed up the rooms, but I remembered. Of course. I thought the carving was in the kitchen. Sal used to hang his salamis in here. Dorothy, I may be fading, but I'm still holding on to some of the big things.
Dorothy: Yeah, and you might get more back.
Sophia: "Might"? I insist! All I need is a little more spunk. Imagine finding that carving in here! Kitchen, bedroom, I knew it was a room I was good in!

Rose: When are you gonna get the survey done?
Blanche: Rose, let me explain something. Now, in this world, there are two kinds of people. One is an industrious, hardworking, give 100%, pain-in-the-butt-to-everybody-else go-getter. I am not one of those people.

Sophia: Oh, lucky me, I can remember from now on. My whole past is gone! I could have slept with JFK and don't even know it!
Dorothy: Ma, I don't think so. You're not mentioned in any of the books.
Blanche: Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Dorothy: Ma, come on, now. He also said that there are things that you can do that might bring back some of what you've lost. I mean, we could talk about the good old days, reminisce with old friends. Honey, you have to look on the bright side.
Sophia: I've had a lifetime of bright sides. I'll just have to learn to do without them.
Dorothy: Oh, dammit. I hate watching what this is doing to her.
Blanche: I hate watching what it's doing to you.
Rose: I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginning of video rentals.

Salvadore: Sophia, I see from upstairs you've kind of lost your spunk. What's the matter?
Sophia: I'm slipping, Sal, and it's frightening. I'm even forgetting you, forgetting the good old days.
Salvadore: And what, I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?
Sophia: That'd be a start!
Salvadore: Nah, the Sophia I know is a survivor. That's why we got married. You beat out a lot of other women.
Sophia: Oh, yeah, there was a helluva long line waiting to get to you, Sal! What's the name of that girl with the warts?
Salvadore: You see? Some things you do remember.
Sophia: Yeah, but only some things. I'm 83, Sal. I don't have the energy for this.
Salvadore: You have lost your spunk. You know, maybe I don't find you so attractive anymore.
Sophia: What?!
Salvadore: You're not the same Sophia. I wonder how Gladys and Charlemagne are doing. Sure, the guy rewrote history, but can he juggle?
Sophia: Salvadore Petrillo, you miserable baciagaloop! If you so much as look at another ghost-
Salvadore: See? There's the spunk. It's still there. But use it for yourself, not on me.
Sophia: You think I can be OK?
Salvadore: If I didn't, would I have made the trip?
Sophia: I miss you, Sally.
Salvadore: Hey, I'm always with you. And when the time's right, see you at my place.

Blanche: I need the professional care of the most talented hairdresser in Miami, [French pronunciation] Robert. Oh, he's brilliant. Do you know he was the first one ever to use mousse?
Rose: I'd check my facts if I were you, Blanche. Mr. Ingrid of St. Olaf has been using moose ever since I can remember. Of course, it's his own professional secret which part of the moose he uses. But it'll keep your hair in place in winds up to 130 miles an hour.
Blanche: I just don't believe you, Rose!
Rose: Ask Conway Twitty.

Dorothy: Ah, look! The Jersey shore, summer 1939.
Sophia: Pop sure loved playing with you kids. Why do I look so upset?
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, don't you remember? Pop was a big fan of Jean Harlow's back then. You hated it when he made sand breasts in front of the children. [chuckles] He was really some character. Oh, look at us.
Sophia: Oh, boy, your father sure looked stupid.
Dorothy: Stupid? Ma, this was one of your favorite pictures. Oh, Pop looks so proud.
Sophia: The idiot's dressed like an organ grinder.
Dorothy: Yes. Yes, he is. Remember, we had no money, and he refused to go on assistance. He vowed that he would take any job to feed his family. And we had meat on the table every night. I don't know he did it on 10 cents a day. Where's the monkey?

Blanche: Woe is me. Woe, O, woe is me!
Dorothy: Problem, Blanche?
Blanche: Yes. It's my hair. It has split ends, it's dull and listless, it makes my face look...
Dorothy: Its age?
Blanche: If you're gonna make fun of somebody, make fun of Rose.