Rose: [laughing hysterically]
Dorothy: Rose, it's not that funny.
Rose: I know. I think I better keep the lid on this paint thinner.

Blanche: Sophia, I've decided to wear this little watch on a chain, nestled cunningly in my cleavage. What other accessories do I need?
Sophia: Implants.

Donald: You know, Rose, we have a special section set aside for local artists. When you finish the series, maybe we could hang them in the museum.
Rose: Wow! Hanging in the museum? Well, none of my relatives ever hung in a museum. Oh, wait. Uncle Gustav. Well, actually, he hung in the barn. But that was only when he discovered his horse had defeated him for water commissioner.

Sophia: Oh, so you're studying for your interview?
Dorothy: Uh-huh. I know it's a lot of added responsibility, but I really want this job.
Sophia: Then why are you reading the racing form?
Dorothy: The racing form? Why would you think I'm reading the racing form?
Sophia: You can't lie to your mother. Mothers always know when you lie. Don't you think I knew what your brother Phil was doing in the bathroom when he said he was oiling his baseball glove? He was working on his Simplicity patterns.

Rose: Blanche, you're gonna have to face that man sometime.
Blanche: Look, I appreciate your concern, Rose, but I will not go into that museum today. I have my dignity. I have my pride.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, your copy of Slung magazine just arrived.

Rose: [breathing heavily]
Blanche: Rose, what are you doing?
Rose: I heard the creative process is a lot like giving birth, so I'm doing my Lamaze breathing.
Blanche: Oh. For a minute there, I thought I wasn't the only one with the invisible man fantasy.

Rose: You know, Blanche, I was thinking about that story you told us about you and Donald.
Blanche: You mean when I dropped my robe and stood there in all my nakedness and asked him for a romp?
Rose: Right. I was wondering if maybe you were too direct?
Blanche: In what way?
Rose: How can I explain this? OK. You see this little possum in my St. Olaf painting? Well, every year she goes into her mating ritual, and gives off little signals. I mean, she releases a scent, she changes the way she stands, she makes tiny little whistling noises.
Blanche: I do that.
Rose: Yes, but don't you see? That's all she does. I mean, she plays hard to get. And believe me, it works. I mean, men find her very attractive.
Blanche: You mean males?
Rose: No, I mean men.

Sophia: Blanche, I need you to take me to the eye doctor. It's time for a new prescription.
Blanche: I thought Dorothy was taking you.
Sophia: I don't know any Dorothy.
Rose: She's your daughter, Sophia.
Sophia: I'm being dramatic, you moron. I mean, I spit at the name Dorothy. I have no daughter. [tries to spit] I have no spit.

Blanche: Honey, can't you go to the eye doctor tomorrow?
Sophia: Please! I can hardly see my own hand in front of my face.
Blanche: That's my hand, Sophia.
Sophia: Oh, thank God. I saw so many liver spots, I thought I was being attacked by a Dalmatian.

Rose: Blanche, you can't stay home from work forever. Can't you just swallow your pride?
Sophia: There's no room for it. She just scarfed down a bag of Chips Ahoy.
Blanche: Why are you insulting me?
Sophia: It's a defense mechanism. I guess it's to hide my feelings when I'm deeply upset.
Blanche: Oh, well, I understand. In that case, I won't take it personally.
Sophia: Thanks, you human mattress.